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Am I egotistical? (I really, really apologize for the lengthy rant)

Decipheris

What is this thing you call "happiness"?
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Honestly, who cares?
In which I provide my own analysis, I suppose, and then ask for yours.

Do I spend a lot of time thinking about the great things I’m going to achieve in the future? Pfft, I don’t even know /what/ I’m going to do in the future. I’d like to think I’ll make something nice out of my life, but will that really happen? I don’t know. But I know that if I don’t, it’ll surely drive me crazy. :’) In general I’m a restless person. Do I embellish every story I tell to make it more impressive? Pfft.. very seldom. I’d prefer to be modest and lying isn’t part of that. Do I want to be the center of all attention? I think not. Do I feel like I’m better than others? Usually, no. Though it depends on the surrounding company, I suppose.. it’s not that I think I’m morally or ethically better than anyone- well, perhaps in some cases- but if I’m in a group with obvious crass and oblivious buffoons, I’ll take over on the assignment because I figure no one else is able to do it. Perhaps that doesn’t sound very modest of me, but I’d rather get the assignment done than sit there all day. I’d also say I’m a wee bit more ethically sound, at least by popular standards, than at least some of the abusive people I know. (And I say that because I strive for purity, and they are hardly what could be considered “pure”. Nothing about the way they have ever treated anyone has been “pure”.)

But here I am striving for perfection, when such can’t ever be obtained. :’) Regardless, I try to be the best person I can be. However, it’s true that I don’t always take into consideration the feelings of other people as I should. Or I do, but have the tendency to run away from problems as well as confrontation. I feel as though I’ve had enough trouble in my life and I’ll admit I’m worn out, but that’s likely my fault- at least recently- and technically no excuse for the way that I ghost people. I’ll reach out to multiple people and then become overwhelmed because I can’t keep up. And then I block them (usually only if I scarcely know them) or delete accounts when I suspect someone found out about said accounts or I don’t know how to tell people on there that I need a break and can’t keep up anymore. To elaborate, I try to give a lot of myself to those that I consider friends or more and I endeavor to be as supportive as I possibly can, within reason and to the extent that it is [usually] comfortable for me depending on the sort of friendship/relationship I have. And I’ll admit that it’s draining. I want the person to feel happy and good about themselves and I want the friendship/relationship to work. Sometimes I can’t even keep track of what I tell people, however, because there are varying comfort levels I have with others and seldom is any relationship the exact same as another. Am I selfish? Sometimes, yes, in the way that I described above, though it isn’t with malicious or vindictive intent. I also more often than not prioritize the happiness of others than my own; I don’t like people taking care of me, so I try my best to take care of other people. When I’m upset, I can be very passive-aggressive and will express that, in which case I want you to know how upset or hurting I am and I want you to feel what I felt. /That/ is a bit selfish and something I need to work on. :’) Again, I’m not often very assertive and it frustrates me when people are oblivious to how they’ve affected me. Though I’m really not helping myself through passive-aggressiveness, as it may leave the individual even more clueless..

Am I sensitive? Hmmm, yes. Very, because I have extremely high expectations of myself and whenever I receive criticism from others that doesn’t show that I am successfully fulfilling those expectations, I take it very personal. At the same time, however, I try to take note of it so that I can improve.. and then I become overwhelmed because my perfectionist starts shining through. Or proceed to wallow in completely self-induced misery and pity. Every now and then, I’ll put up a “front” to give the appearance that I haven’t been heavily affected, but I wouldn’t say I put up a “grandiose facade”. I’ll just quietly simmer in the corner or feel sick to my stomach. However, for that which I try very, very hard on and take pride in, I do expect praise and when I don’t receive it, I’m aghast and seek that validation from others. If my work or efforts are continuously rejected, then I really don’t know what to do with myself and am in shock. That’s a situation in which I have a little arrogance.. or a lot, and may proceed to complain about it and become very defensive.

Do I need to feel as though I’m in control? Yes, sometimes. Over my own life, certainly, and I’m quickly inclined to subtly work against you if you try to run it for me. If not that, I blatantly refuse to comply. For instance, if you try to tell me to abide by a contract of twenty-two rules in which I can only wear dark lipstick on Fridays, wear completely black outfits just twice a school week, and open my window’s blinds until 6:00 in the summer, (as I have been forced to comply with before) I am really going to have an issue with that. And if I absolutely /must/ go through with it, I’ll find loopholes. :P I will not always submit to you just because you’re a figure of authority. More often than not, however, I prefer to go with the flow and don’t much care if you drag me along to some place. If I don’t want to be there, I’ll disassociate. I don’t feel a need to plan out all of my travels in advance; I’ll just improvise as it suits my fancy. As long as I have control over myself and my own individual life, then all is well. However, I apologize if I’m coming across as arrogant; if I am, I’m fairly certain it’s because for much of my life, I was very sheltered and controlled to the extent that I couldn’t take showers by myself until I turned eleven, I wasn’t allowed to brush my hair, I always had to lie to my therapists and my mother used to threaten to throw me in a mental hospital when I didn’t follow her every order. ✌Very fun. I say this not for pity, but rather because I think that’s part of the reason I am the way I am now and I may also still be very bitter about it.

Anyway. Do I always have to be right? Well, it doesn’t feel particularly nice to /not/ be right and I may argue incessantly for a little bit if it’s something I strongly believe in. However, I do try to be as open-minded as possible and if what you’re saying is backed up by what appears to be credible information, I might look into it and reconsider, assuming I don’t end up procrastinating instead. ^^’


Do I always need more? Am I never content? I can be content for a little while, but then I quickly become restless and need to keep going again. I don’t “need more” in that I want to become rich or famous, but I do want to make the most of my life as is possible. One of my aspirations is backpacking through Europe and other places, another is buying my own Colonial/Victorian home and refurbishing it, and yet another is possibly creating my own music, writing a few books, and trying to become as well-rounded as I possibly can. I want to organize my thoughts in little journals so that I can keep track of them and I want to be able to express myself fully and perhaps even dabble in a little Grafitti Activism. Unfortunately, I’m seldom able to even begin to go through with any of my goals or aspirations. I think it could be the supposed ADHD, if I’m to be completely honest. Or simply episodes of mania - I’ve no idea.

Am I competitive and must always win? If it’s something I’m very passionate about, then I suppose I can become very competitive. But then I suppose that goes back to the whole “I need to be perfect”, so of course I don’t take it well when I lose.

Do I require constant recognition? Somewhat. I judge my worth by the opinions of others, unfortunately, and in that sense I lack independence of the mind.

And lastly, do I lack empathy? Pfft.. no. I definitely don’t think so. If I block something out hard enough, perhaps, and over-emotional people admittedly freak me out, so while I may still care, I’ll start to back away because I don’t know how to handle them. ^^’ But I do generally feel for other peoples’ situations. As well as animals. And bugs. Step on a roly-poly or beetle and I’ll yell at you, which is actually more related to compassion. In regards to empathy, I’m pretty empathetic.. granted I believe you deserve the empathy. This goes back to wanting to see people happy and the like. If you don’t have too many clothes, I’ll want to buy you clothes and if you’re lacking in money and can’t pay your bills, I’ll want to send you money. When I buy birthday cards, I like the blank ones more so that I can actually fill it with thoughtful words rather than simply “wishing you a happy birthday!” .. In my opinion, merely giving someone the latter and signing your name is quite shallow and lazy. If you’re sick and I truly care for you, then I’ll want to bring you breakfast in bed and bundle you up in blankets and I’ll be very sad that you’re sick and want to make you as comfortable as possible. And then I’ll tell you that even though you’re sick, you’re a cute little blanket bundle anyway. :’)

So, yes. That’s all. ^^’ I’m very sorry for the ridiculous length of this post..
 

Cognisant

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Do you want to perfect yourself to be the best you can be or is the pursuit of perfection really because you want to be seen as perfect by others?

Don't fall into the trap of needing the validation of others to feel good about yourself, it's inauthentic, true self esteem comes from yourself.
 

Pizzabeak

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No, you should be good. As a female, it sounds like Fe or Si. Small talk is one thing, but I think it can take hours of discussion before any understanding even begins to be approached and even then, we'll probably never get to the bottom of it, which people could have an inherent tendency to not want to, and disregard, out of some unconscious fright. Females occupy one of the more interesting societal roles. Typically life is easier for (white) females. You don't have to work too hard and can get away with being "mediocre". I'd imagine the only thing you really have to look out for, is sabotage or rivalry from other girls, including family. That could make your life harder.
 

Jennywocky

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That's a lot to parse in the OP, but basically you sound like you expect a lot of yourself (being a perfectionist) and do a lot to have a good reputation / be valued by others and you just can't possibly keep up with that for the rest of your life. This is coming from another early-life perfectionist who always wanted to be ultra-responsible and do the right thing in every situation while tailoring myself to only show each person the parts of me that would sync up with them -- it's impossible to keep track of eventually, impossible to get everything right and do the right thing in every situation, etc. Eventually I just threw it all away and realized I had to live more for myself and not worry so much how others perceived me. Some people would see me as marred in some way, and others would still value me and/or sync up with me, and I needed to be okay with that.

I guess, the question is -- are you happy being who you are and doing what you are doing? If not, then maybe you'd be happier not trying to control so much of your image and/or who knows what about you, as well as making sure you do what you do for your happiness rather than to fulfill someone else's expectations.

for example: "When I buy birthday cards, I like the blank ones more so that I can actually fill it with thoughtful words rather than simply “wishing you a happy birthday!” .. In my opinion, merely giving someone the latter and signing your name is quite shallow and lazy. If you’re sick and I truly care for you, then I’ll want to bring you breakfast in bed and bundle you up in blankets and I’ll be very sad that you’re sick and want to make you as comfortable as possible. And then I’ll tell you that even though you’re sick, you’re a cute little blanket bundle anyway. :"

Fill out a blank birthday card if YOU feel good about doing that and feel happy that they will feel like it's individualized. (For example, I will find unique birthday images to post on people's FB for their birthdays, when I have time. I do want them to be happy, but I do it because I like to do it rather than it being a chore or a way to impress them -- and if I am busy and miss some birthdays or can't, then oh well.) If you are making someone feel better when they're sick by doing all this stuff because you feel good doing it, then go ahead and do it do it do it; if you find that you are doing it to avoid looking shallow or lazy or that you don't care, then consider not doing it. And so forth.

You don't have to work too hard and can get away with being "mediocre".
wtf dude. a lot of "white women" I know depending on the subculture are constantly running themselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy. Maybe you feel we can just be mediocre, but typically we don't think that way based on what we think is expected of us, even when we know it's bogus. it's a different situation than some other subgroups, perhaps (I would say a black woman in my culture has her own set of issues, if you want to make race an issue), but it's a problem nonetheless.

Personally, I still have to vet this idea, but the general tendency is for not much to be expected of white females professionally (from the cultural level) but a ton expected socially, while for white males people don't expect a lot of you socially but you'd better produce (professionally) to prove your worth. Not fair for anyone but that seems to be the expectation, at least from a more conservative cultural expectation.
 

Pizzabeak

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wtf dude. a lot of "white women" I know depending on the subculture are constantly running themselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy. Maybe you feel we can just be mediocre, but typically we don't think that way based on what we think is expected of us, even when we know it's bogus. it's a different situation than some other subgroups, perhaps (I would say a black woman in my culture has her own set of issues, if you want to make race an issue), but it's a problem nonetheless.

Personally, I still have to vet this idea, but the general tendency is for not much to be expected of white females professionally (from the cultural level) but a ton expected socially, while for white males people don't expect a lot of you socially but you'd better produce (professionally) to prove your worth. Not fair for anyone but that seems to be the expectation, at least from a more conservative cultural expectation.
I guess you can't really look at it selfishly. Other people have their own problems and may not have you in mind. It's typically okay to place high value on yourself, and to have high standards or be high maintenance and not just date anyone, or be friends with them. I think if it's a race issue, and from white girls's perspective, it could be prejudiceness, or that people have their own set of beliefs or worldview that influences their perception or what they should do.

It could be based on the idea of equal pay, white men and CEOs usually make the most money. There could be more women in stay at home roles, or other more part time jobs, although there are a lot of women entering the workforce recently too. There are still some things they can do in terms of having a voice, or enjoying living life. I don't want to say it's about art and what who can contribute in terms of originality, so if anyone has expectations, I'd think it's most people who have a standard of life. It doesn't have to be luxury, and whatever could be expected can be taken too far, if appraised at all, the value may suddenly increase beyond anyone's reasonable possible means. It's putting people's body on a pedestal, which isn't considered healthy. People always think small talk, or just saying anything means they're hitting on you, when they could just be being friendly.
 

Jennywocky

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wtf dude. a lot of "white women" I know depending on the subculture are constantly running themselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy. Maybe you feel we can just be mediocre, but typically we don't think that way based on what we think is expected of us, even when we know it's bogus. it's a different situation than some other subgroups, perhaps (I would say a black woman in my culture has her own set of issues, if you want to make race an issue), but it's a problem nonetheless.

Personally, I still have to vet this idea, but the general tendency is for not much to be expected of white females professionally (from the cultural level) but a ton expected socially, while for white males people don't expect a lot of you socially but you'd better produce (professionally) to prove your worth. Not fair for anyone but that seems to be the expectation, at least from a more conservative cultural expectation.
I guess you can't really look at it selfishly. Other people have their own problems and may not have you in mind. It's typically okay to place high value on yourself, and to have high standards or be high maintenance and not just date anyone, or be friends with them. I think if it's a race issue, and from white girls's perspective, it could be prejudiceness, or that people have their own set of beliefs or worldview that influences their perception or what they should do.

It could be based on the idea of equal pay, white men and CEOs usually make the most money. There could be more women in stay at home roles, or other more part time jobs, although there are a lot of women entering the workforce recently too. There are still some things they can do in terms of having a voice, or enjoying living life. I don't want to say it's about art and what who can contribute in terms of originality, so if anyone has expectations, I'd think it's most people who have a standard of life. It doesn't have to be luxury, and whatever could be expected can be taken too far, if appraised at all, the value may suddenly increase beyond anyone's reasonable possible means. It's putting people's body on a pedestal, which isn't considered healthy. People always think small talk, or just saying anything means they're hitting on you, when they could just be being friendly.
Sorry. I have read this three times and I'm not even sure how it addresses my post or what you're trying to say. Is there a main point here that actually ties it to what I said, expressed succinctly?
 
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