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Being Misunderstood

Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
36
#1
Often, my comments illicit rage from others. This is generally because they have either misinterpreted my position or have not actually heard it. The unfortunate thing about being a thoughtful person is that many arguments actually require a substantial amount of time to express, and people are generally unwilling to allow someone more than 20 seconds to express their ideas in casual conversation. This is not a problem amongst other intellectuals such as those in my PhD program but has caused serious strife with members of my family and some of my friends. I was curious if this was a 'common thing' for the 'INTP.'
 
Joined
Apr 26, 2013
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Shallow grave
#2
If people are raging at you when you talk (you even recognise that you’re a long-winded talker) then the problem is probably in the way you speak, and looking for validation from other INTPs is not going to help, but rather reinforce the negative trait you’ve developed.

Speak more concisely and you’ll probably have a more receptive audience.
 

Pyropyro

Magos Biologis
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Feb 3, 2012
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#3
That's a bad academic trait actually, not something INTP-centric.

What field are you are in by the way?
 

Serac

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Jun 7, 2017
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#4
Most people are automatons, wired to respond to certain words in particular ways. In order to have a normal social interaction with them you need to know what words are wired to which response, and then you just press the buttons basically. It's not too entertaining for you, obviously, because you know in advance the whole conversation almost verbatim, but I guess that's just one of the nuisances one has to deal with it in life. Becoming socially adept is in large part being able to predict these various responses.

But also remember that inducing rage in someone with your words is not necessarily a bad thing – it can be a great source of entertainment for you.
 
Joined
Jan 9, 2016
Messages
99
#5
Being misunderstood is usually caused by someone introverting themselves, that is if they're generally "normal"(aren't explicitly diseased in the mind or body).

That being said though, fuck people, really. Most people don't want to waste the effort on you. Even if you do learn to better communicate yourself, if you're anything like me then youll just feel disgust everytime you sacrifice verbal precision to appease that sick social instinct most of us have.

Basically you've got two options, cut out a piece of soul(true nature) and sacrifice it to the god of comfort and peace.

Or you could sacrifice comfort and peace, slay your protecting angels and offer them up to the lord of the flies and you'll truly be free

or not and you'll damned to perdition
 
Joined
Jun 2, 2018
Messages
3
#6
Often, my comments illicit rage from others. This is generally because they have either misinterpreted my position or have not actually heard it. The unfortunate thing about being a thoughtful person is that many arguments actually require a substantial amount of time to express, and people are generally unwilling to allow someone more than 20 seconds to express their ideas in casual conversation. This is not a problem amongst other intellectuals such as those in my PhD program but has caused serious strife with members of my family and some of my friends. I was curious if this was a 'common thing' for the 'INTP.'
I would say that it is a common thing for the introvert. I recall "introverts" are defined by needing to "think before they speak." I learned this in an MBTI workshop, where they also highlighted the idea that extroverts tend to talk over each other and even expect this in conversations. In contrast, as an introvert I tend to wait for the other person to finish speaking before saying my part.
However, I've come to notice that "time," such as time to think while conversing, is treated differently depending on what region you live in. I'm from the US, for example, and the east-coast is faster-paced as compared to the midwest.
I tend to give a person three seconds after they stop speaking to add anything more. However, I knew an INTP where I've had to give him up to 10 seconds to fully think things through before speaking my turn.
 
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
236
#7
I'm surprised to read your post because I have been dealing with this on a daily basis. Feeling misunderstood is the worst. At least for me, it's like speaking a different language and having no one understand you. Powerless to express yourself.

Usually, I would try to explain myself and correct their misunderstanding. This takes a lot of time and back and forth, and I feel exhausted after it all. Especially having to do this constantly. Then, I realized, that it isn't my burden to make the other person understand. Communication is a two way street. Both parties should make an effort. If the listener is not making an effort in active listening, it is unfair for the speaker to feel responsible for that. Even if it creates a misunderstanding, or anger, that is on them, and not us. We don't have to go around correcting other people's mistakes. It's actually their loss.
 

higs

My word is my bond.
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#8
Seriously ? Like actual rage ? What are you expressing so poorly as to elicit rage XD ? Please give example, we need more to go on if you want to benefit from our awesome collective wisdom.
 

Hadoblado

The choicest fuckboi
Joined
Mar 17, 2011
Messages
4,932
#9
Most people who are misunderstood are so because they lack communication skills. If it takes someone with a PhD to decipher what the hell you're saying the problem isn't everyone else, it's you.

Of all the people I know who felt misunderstood (every second person basically), pretty much all of them had the power to improve their communication but didn't, opting to blame everyone else instead.

Usually (and I'll note you haven't provided any examples) it's about missing the context. Good things to say can be bad things to say if the context is wrong, I expect you get this, but maybe not the scope? People's expectations are fluid, human sociality is complex. Speech is both limited and ambiguous and people rely on external assumptions to fill in the gaps. Not only this, but motivation is often subconscious, so while you may think you're talking about X for reason Y, it might be obvious to everyone else that this isn't the case (stuff like humblebragging, in/out-grouping, and virtue signalling come to mind). If you're bad at this stuff you're the last one to know.

At the very least you should consider propriety. While for the most part I can talk about anything to anyone, I'm not going to talk about eugenics or whatever with my mum because her world view isn't that flexible. If conversation is predictable like Serac says, you should be able to game it to avoid the outcomes you don't want. This might mean finding more like-minded people so compensate for the drop in social activity.
 

Serac

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Joined
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#10
^Yes. Being misunderstood all the time is a result of not being good at communicating one's thoughts, and that, in turn, is a result of not being good at putting oneself in the counterparty's shoes. In short – lacking empathy.
 
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
236
#11
I disagree with this. Listening is a skill that many people choose not to exercise.
Most people who are misunderstood are so because they lack communication skills. If it takes someone with a PhD to decipher what the hell you're saying the problem isn't everyone else, it's you.

Of all the people I know who felt misunderstood (every second person basically), pretty much all of them had the power to improve their communication but didn't, opting to blame everyone else instead.

Usually (and I'll note you haven't provided any examples) it's about missing the context. Good things to say can be bad things to say if the context is wrong, I expect you get this, but maybe not the scope? People's expectations are fluid, human sociality is complex. Speech is both limited and ambiguous and people rely on external assumptions to fill in the gaps. Not only this, but motivation is often subconscious, so while you may think you're talking about X for reason Y, it might be obvious to everyone else that this isn't the case (stuff like humblebragging, in/out-grouping, and virtue signalling come to mind). If you're bad at this stuff you're the last one to know.

At the very least you should consider propriety. While for the most part I can talk about anything to anyone, I'm not going to talk about eugenics or whatever with my mum because her world view isn't that flexible. If conversation is predictable like Serac says, you should be able to game it to avoid the outcomes you don't want. This might mean finding more like-minded people so compensate for the drop in social activity.
^Yes. Being misunderstood all the time is a result of not being good at communicating one's thoughts, and that, in turn, is a result of not being good at putting oneself in the counterparty's shoes. In short – lacking empathy.
 

Serac

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#12
That may be so, but if one is consistently failing to communicate with people, first and foremost I would focus on myself. In fact even this happens in a minority of cases, I would work on my own communication skills. It's a strategy that cannot lose.
 
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
236
#13
i i/
That may be so, but if one is consistently failing to communicate with people, first and foremost I would focus on myself. In fact even this happens in a minority of cases, I would work on my own communication skills. It's a strategy that cannot lose.
This is true but the strategy can lose. No matter how much you explain something, the other person isn't going to understand unless they want to understand. People have filters that let them hear what they want to hear. It's like breaking your head against a brick wall sometimes.
 
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
423
#14
it's worth examining if the cause lays in interest/world-view incompatibility or low communication skills.
Can't exclude both happening simultaneously.
Ppl owe you nothing. Same for you.
 

Hadoblado

The choicest fuckboi
Joined
Mar 17, 2011
Messages
4,932
#15
Fair Ruminator, a lot of people are bad at listening too. It could be a mismatch between interests etc..

I see it as this: Either the talker is bad at social stuff and should put some effort into getting better if they want people to listen, or the audience has issues, in which case the talker should expand their social circles to include people they can talk about their interests with (though this may require the former anyway), and stop making rage-inducing comments to people who don't want to hear them. You should have a sense of what people are prepared to talk about and adjust accordingly. Otherwise you're holding them hostage in a conversation they don't want.

I'm opposed to any conclusion that paints the talker as helpless to change their circumstance unless that actually is the case.
 

Pyropyro

Magos Biologis
Joined
Feb 3, 2012
Messages
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Philippines
#16
People do listen but on their own terms, you just have to package your ideas on these terms or modify the environment to suite your speech.
 
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