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Emotional unintelligence

majohnso

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Do you broadly agree, that by default, we INTPs are Emotionally unintelligent?

have you done anything to change it, and what has worked?

i personally feel i have learnt about emotions and peoples responses in a more prescriptive fashion and through errors made and learnt, rather than having that ability to always know the right things to say or do, and connect that way

thoughts?
 

nanook

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i reject the wording.

-super high intrapersonal intelligence. (not ultra mega tho, i leave that title for my gurus)

-super shitty interpersonal intelligence.

a profiler, not a pep talker. a translator and thus reconciler but not a diplomat or trader. i understand people and their general (intrinsic) motives and meanings, not the external situations they are in and their feelings or motives or needs and desires relative to those situations. my trouble starts with imagining their situation itself, meaning it is a problem of perception, before it even becomes a problem of feeling.


in a word, i am introverted, not extroverted.


When i compare how i take care of someone to how an ISFJ does it:

They encourage empowering motivations relative to a situation that is simply taken for granted. They may take your side and judge your enemies.

I help to see the meaning and nature of that situation in a totally new light, which will modify feelings and motivations relative to it in rather unpredictable but usually positive manner. A better understanding always allows for more hope or for relieve from the urge to achieve impossible feats - tyrannical expectations people have of themselves.

So i would not say that i am a worse "listener" than a feeling type.

But i am a hundred times less of a guiding/reassuring authority than that ISFJ, so few people will even consider opening up to me. People fear what interpretation i will come up with this time and i never give them a sense of certainty about anything. Certainty doesn't exist in my worldview. (Huge contrast to ISTP)

So regarding intrapersonal (introverted) intelligence, i think the T/F dichotomy is not important. It's just different approaches to the same goal - knowing and supporting the subject.

But regarding extroverted interaction, i simply step on everyone's toes, unless i hide on a chair in a corner, cross legged.
 

Haim

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No , just maybe for some aspects.
I would say that it more that I internally don't care for people and their shit, therefore my brain does not spend much efforts and time to improve the interaction.
I just don't have much experience.

Another thing is I am very different to other people, people like to be with people the same as them, I am not sure I would even get along better with myself, as I am also used to non intp people, would I know how to behave?

The third reason might be not related to intp at all, maybe to ADHD, being flooded with emotions is probably a state my brain try to avoid, like hearing load noise it might be too much to handle, this lead to a strive to void emotion state.

Forth might be lack of little (and big) facial expressions, which make people hard to read me(even more)
 

Ex-User (14663)

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It's all trial and error.

I go out. As often as possible, and with as little alcohol as possible.
 

Pizzabeak

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I wouldn't romanticize it but who knows. It probably doesn't matter unless you have some end goal in mind. There are so many possibilities, one of them has to be right. Confidence is probably a bigger issue to contend with. Any intuition you can muster up probably helps out regardless. I think people can still like you but it takes longer. Most of the time I think, it's just people wanting you to say what they want to hear. But sometimes you need more than that.
 

Animekitty

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INTP's are some of the most emotionally intelligent.
 

Hadoblado

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I'm not very emotionally intelligent. When I am engaged and happy, I think I do okay, but that engagement is not sustainable.
 

Minuend

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Short answer, I'd say no. INTPs probably have to most degree the ability to be "emotionally intelligent" like other types. I think the lack of it is more often to having experienced abuse, trauma, being autistic etc. Also, people of other personality types who lack in that area might end up scoring INTP which would reinforce the impression of INTPs being less gifted

Maybe stating the obvious here, but not prioritizing what other people feel and think doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of awareness and understanding of it
 

PmjPmj

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It's utter nonsense that NTs are emotionally unintelligent.

Bitch, I studied psychology and counselling. When it comes down to it, I can empathise like a motherfucker. Thing is, I can spot senseless drama a mile off. It's like a beacon shining bright in the night. Therefore, no - I will not indulge your trivial bullshit. When you sincerely need help, you can count on me to be there.
 

Polaris

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I thought I was very good at understanding other people when I was younger, and because I had this Dunning - Kruger thing going with that, I made an excessive amount of social and emotional blunders. I mean, I was terrible because I had "studdid psikollogi" and written an essay on anxiety when I was like, 17 and therefore thought I was really, really good at understanding people.

I am always wary when someone claims to really really understand people, because in most cases it turns out these individuals are the absolute mostest shittest at understanding people, but because they have no meta about this whatsoever, blunder their way through while people are left squirming and writhing around them like collateral damage. Why? Because they are so consumed by their own "ability" to understand that they aren't actually seeing the other person at all, and just end up making that person want to avoid them like the fucking plague. I know, because I have been around numerous individuals like that, and I absolutely hate them and their forced "understanding".

If I want you to understand me, I will initiate that process, thankyouverymuch:beatyou:

So I learnt that the best way to understand someone is to take a step back and just listen, and observe visual cues. This was not something that came naturally to me, I had to learn to read people.

It is probably relevant that I have been diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum.
 
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TheManBeyond

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Objects in the mirror might look closer than they
- i don't want to understand people, i can only understand them if they are not in my way. but it just means i don't listen. emotional problems have no solution. they are things we cover up with more problems so new problems replace old ones. that's all. there's nothing to explain or understand.
actually this makes me understand the meaning of sarahah: you don't know yourself until someone notices all your bullcrap.

- it is a problem to be reactive. i am. in the few situations were i was really affected emotionally i did the wrong thing, and they are heavy in my shoulders and they squizze my throat sometimes. but these happened 3 or 4 times in my whole life. in those yeah, sure i wanted explanations, details, references, and all that crap. but when u leave that zone, u realize that like in my first point, there's nothing to understand.

but u have to try to look at it with perspective, and think really about how much energy u invest into emotions. i decided to invest them in my music or artsy stuff. to really love a woman is really risky in my case. for the other things like family and Friends, i'm a joke. sometimes i get a bit sad. but that's just fuels for what's to come.

this doesn't mean we cannot confort another person, we can pretend we care to make that person feel good. that's a fact, and that's what i try to do most of the time.
 

redbaron

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It's utter nonsense that NTs are emotionally unintelligent.

Bitch, I studied psychology and counselling. When it comes down to it, I can empathise like a motherfucker. Thing is, I can spot senseless drama a mile off. It's like a beacon shining bright in the night. Therefore, no - I will not indulge your trivial bullshit. When you sincerely need help, you can count on me to be there.
How to "empathise like a motherfucker"

1. Dismiss all matters you're unequipped to handle as "senseless drama"
2. Only deal with matters you can solve with little effort, pat self on back for job well done
3. ???????
4. Congratulations motherfucker
 

Hadoblado

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It's utter nonsense that NTs are emotionally unintelligent.

Bitch, I studied psychology and counselling. When it comes down to it, I can empathise like a motherfucker. Thing is, I can spot senseless drama a mile off. It's like a beacon shining bright in the night. Therefore, no - I will not indulge your trivial bullshit. When you sincerely need help, you can count on me to be there.
In the case that you are emotionally intelligent, does that mean NTs are emotionally intelligent? After-all, you studied psychology and counselling. Doesn't that just make you an exception?
 

Haim

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In the case that you are emotionally intelligent, does that mean NTs are emotionally intelligent? After-all, you studied psychology and counselling. Doesn't that just make you an exception?
You are asking for statistical tendency, of course there will be low,middle and high "emotionally intelligent" NT people, the question is if the average is lower or higher compered to other types.

a calculator level computer can take us to the moon, my PC can run Crysis, next is a stupid human mind which is much more powerful than my PC , then we have my brain which is much more efficient, really with all that power it can not handle simple thing such as people trivial shit?of course it can, but it would be a waste when one can fly to the moon or create Crysis and play Crysis.
 

PmjPmj

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How to "empathise like a motherfucker"

1. Dismiss all matters you're unequipped to handle as "senseless drama"
2. Only deal with matters you can solve with little effort, pat self on back for job well done
3. ???????
4. Congratulations motherfucker
Pretty much this.

Remember to shout down any argument made from a place of emotion. Eviscerate their victim complex with hard facts. Show them that they are stupid and unlovable. Hold a mirror to their face whilst they blubber and say "Look. Look at your stupid face".

Can't for the life of me think why the counselling gig didn't work out.
 

PmjPmj

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In the case that you are emotionally intelligent, does that mean NTs are emotionally intelligent? After-all, you studied psychology and counselling. Doesn't that just make you an exception?
In my experience, no.

My NT friends/family have consistently been the ones who come through for someone in times of turmoil, be it with effective action or words of wisdom.

People assume us cold because (in my experience) we're reluctant to ride atop the drama llama. We can easily discern between someone having a bad day and somebody existing in their own personal hell. When the latter, you can guarantee we'll be by your side - no matter how dark things get.

On the other hand, I've found that the F people I know tend to waste inordinate amounts of energy on fluffing people, indulging their day-to-day moans and groans... yet are nowhere to be seen when everything has gone to hell.

Interesting, that.
 

Hadoblado

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You are asking for statistical tendency, of course there will be low,middle and high "emotionally intelligent" NT people, the question is if the average is lower or higher compered to other types.
I know. To which the answer is no.

Because if thinkers were as good at feeling as feelers then MBTI would be an intelligence test, not a personality one.

a calculator level computer can take us to the moon, my PC can run Crysis, next is a stupid human mind which is much more powerful than my PC , then we have my brain which is much more efficient, really with all that power it can not handle simple thing such as people trivial shit?of course it can, but it would be a waste when one can fly to the moon or create Crysis and play Crysis.
And yet humans are insanely complex and unpredictable, with the greatest minds on earth still having difficulty predicting them in groups or as individuals. The exact same 'power' you refer to as evidence for our ability to socially navigate human interaction is a factor of the complexity of human interaction.

RB's assessment seems spot on to me.
 

Animekitty

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My empathy score (calculated by Facebook) puts me at 1 in 2,330.

not sure on accuracy
(little understanding how Facebook big data analytics works) :tinykitball:
 

Pyropyro

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As an autistic and an INTP, I find gaining emotional intelligence as something akin to walking with your hands. It's hard to learn and awkward to wield but it is learnable and you can make do with it.

Yes, you have to consciously look for social cues and jot down best practices but hey, you got that innate INTP encyclopedia for that kind of stuff right?
 

nanook

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I strongly believe that all psychoanalytical intelligence is based on intuition, because my definition of intuition is simply comprehension of processes. And everyone can perceive a process, everyone has some intuition, but "being intuitive" means actively associating any process with all similar processes and thus growing smart about what invisible organic structures (static = sensation) may be responsible for them. So for example the concept of a trinity of child, parent and grown up (transactional analysis) is a sensation (a visualized organic structure) inspired by intuitive observation or repetitive/similar processes (transactions).

Analysis is of course also depended on thinking and i think Ti is superior here. Additionally introversion makes you obsess about the human subject. This means INFJ and INTP are the most understanding psychologists. Other types have other features though, they may be motivational coaches and such.

Not all understanding of people is analytical though. As i said before: I have great difficulty internalizing the worldly situation a person is in, when they describe it. This is a problem of sensation, in fact mostly a lack of extroverted sensation. Once i analyze the mechanics (the process) of their situation via intuition i am good to go. But i can't even grasp, that a person actually exists physically, if i only hear a voice on the phone. Are they comfortable? Are they horny? Are they bored and crave adventure? Such things are rather beyond my imagination. I must see it with my own eyes, to acknowledge it. Talk about your day at the office. I can hardly recall much of it, unless i have been in that office myself and know what your colleagues look like. I can not bear listening to stories that don't lend themselves to analysis. This is all sensation and i can't imagine it properly.


ISTP are much better at interacting with people in real life, but they are not at all understanding types. They just get short bursts of intuition through which they make suggestions about what you ought to do about your situation. Their concern is your situation, not acknowledging much of how your mind operates in time. If really smart and educated, they can become more similar to INFJ though.

of course if "emotional intelligence" means feeling, then thinking types are crap at it. my general experience with this message board is also that it attracts some of the least emotionally intelligent people. by which i mean people make judgements that have zero mercy and that objectify humans. best example is a believe in death penalty. there is just literally zero emotional intelligence involved. but i always doubt either the introversion or the intuition of such people. objectification is just extroverted by definition. entp are often mighty conmen. it's intelligence gone evil. this comes from objectification but also from incoherent unconscious Ti. conscious Ti grasps a concept like "do unto others as you would have others do unto you". but entp don't usually give a fuck about such petty philosophical attachments. bad for business. you will never score if you don't fuck someone over.
 

nanook

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@Polaris

i think you are sort of too hard on yourself. we can only understand other people to the extend that we can understand ourselves. your understanding of the limitations of your understanding is only an example of that. naturally teenagers suck at understanding others, because they have no clue about themselves. but you have grown some real understanding and your early confidence was probably an intuition about your typological potential. many people grow less understanding. much sympathetic and empathic talk does not involve real understanding at all. it is nothing but kind gestures that make people feel good, but leave them as confused as they were before.


if people have poor understanding, they would better keep it to themselves. feeling sensors assume that understanding is not even possible, but thinking types can be painfully assertive about their theories. i am the same, except there is more to my theories than i can usually explain in words and i would say that if my theories seem wrong, its more often a problem of misunderstanding on the receiving side and also an imprecision on my side (intuition is naturally fuzzy, that is precisely it's genius), than a case of stupidity. stupidity and failure is not the same.
 

Haim

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I know. To which the answer is no.

Because if thinkers were as good at feeling as feelers then MBTI would be an intelligence test, not a personality one.



And yet humans are insanely complex and unpredictable, with the greatest minds on earth still having difficulty predicting them in groups or as individuals. The exact same 'power' you refer to as evidence for our ability to socially navigate human interaction is a factor of the complexity of human interaction.

RB's assessment seems spot on to me.
When an smart INTP(or any high intelligence) focused on people, in his life, he sure do it well the same he can be better on other complex systems.

I meant that trivial things are not interesting.
 

Turnevies

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i reject the wording.

-super high intrapersonal intelligence. (not ultra mega tho, i leave that title for my gurus)

-super shitty interpersonal intelligence.
Agreed completely. This is partially learned as well, but I believe to have an above average knowledge of my 'deep' self and the one of others. Maybe it is exactly the lack of natural feeling that forces INTPs to become more concious about these things. We don't stay home from work with a 'burnout', because we calculate precisely the right amount of work we have to do beforehands and then do it. If we happen to be mistaken, we accept the consequences without fuss. Similarly, we won't just start buying particular clothes because publicity tells you you should do so to have an 'identity' that counts or so. We solve problems or deal with it, but are unlikely to resort to whining (don't get me wrong, at some point ventilating can be necessary for everyone, but we have a high treshold).

Also, I do like deep conversations sometimes, especially when drunk.

On the other hand, there are things other people are much better in. There are those people that instantly see from other's face every slight nuance in their emotion and I am almost completely oblivious to this (well, I don't really try hard either). Similarly, when people tell a story, I tend to forget to look sad myself when there comes a sad part. The main emotions I express are funniness or seriousbusinessness.
 
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