• OK, it's on.
  • Please note that many, many Email Addresses used for spam, are not accepted at registration. Select a respectable Free email.

Animekitty's video blog

Local time
Today, 11:27
Joined
May 16, 2015
Messages
6,299
Location
Birmingham, UK
#2
I feel the need to do that with my hands too... Your idea about the time simulation is interesting, I think there are elements of truth to the notion. I do think there are synthetic humans sharing our world with us, but how serious are you about you being one of them?

I'm sure you know by now that I disagree with perscription pills. They'll fuck you up Jer. I think you need to look else where for your self esteem, what did you say to me the other day? You are smart.. but you're not going to win the nobel prize by repeatedly taking IQ tests.

Cool book by the way. I think you should spend more time writing, you should come join me over at PRC, everyone there would like to hear about your experiences.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#3
I feel the need to do that with my hands too... Your idea about the time simulation is interesting, I think there are elements of truth to the notion. I do think there are synthetic humans sharing our world with us, but how serious are you about you being one of them?
I am open to the possibility. Photo realism is just 9 years away. So in 2025 they could reenact 2016. Biologically I think synthetic humans are not possible because they live in the computer not physical space. What we would call synthetic humans would be more to do with personality. My sister says she can see the personality of a person from the way their face transforms. Some people can see auras but she can see their face transform to what is on the inside. It is an advanced form of Synethesia.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

To get to the point, I think the most likely scenario is that I am just encountering synchronicity's. It would mean that these odd happenings were created by normal smart people that want to see how I would react. Facebook runs experiments with your data. So I am not a simulated human in a video game. Some smart people are actually running experiments and I am a real biological human.

I'm sure you know by now that I disagree with perscription pills. They'll fuck you up Jer. I think you need to look else where for your self esteem, what did you say to me the other day? You are smart.. but you're not going to win the nobel prize by repeatedly taking IQ tests.
I am neutral when it comes to IQ tests and I do not take random tests all the time. What I want to know is not a self esteem issue but more to do with inclusion. I like to talk to people not necessarily about IQ because that gets boring fast. I do not think they measure everything about who I am. I love learning and overall it is difficult to find people I can relate to in my city. My school records are just something else I want to learn about myself. And with talking to people, my sister is the only person I can talk to about complex issues who understands them right away. I like her physical presence.

As with the pills I take, the new psychiatrist explains everything about what they do and how they help me. This I the first time in a long time that I could talk to a real doctor. He understands my concerns. I told him about my anxiety and my OCD and he explained that one cause of my problems is the autonomic nervous system. He explained that under constant stress my organs can not talk to my brain in a relaxed state of awareness. I am disconnected to them so the signal don't get trough. When I began to take the pills I do now, my body feels relaxed and I have less OCD symptoms. My anxiety and depression also lowered. Because of this. I am now more self aware without all the tension. The reason I had anxiety was because I felt trapped by my circumstance. So now I do not have to worry about my inability to do stuff. If I can't do something its is not a problem any more. I don't get sad and I do not feel trapped by it. I feel fine about it. I do not have to be constantly worried about leaving things unfinished. It used to be that when I could not think about a solution, I tried to force myself to think about it. This caused all the tension. But now I feel fine and can shake it off, its no big deal.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

Cool book by the way. I think you should spend more time writing, you should come join me over at PRC, everyone there would like to hear about your experiences.
What does PRC stand for?
It sounds interesting but I would need a link.
 
Local time
Today, 11:27
Joined
May 16, 2015
Messages
6,299
Location
Birmingham, UK
#4
Pegasus Research Consortium.
Link's in the Interesting Websites subforum here.
The member Gigas has some matrix related threads running over there.. as does the Matrix Traveller.. I think you'll find the place interesting .
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#7
Just decided to turn this into a regular Blog.

I am very insecure. I have a hard time emotionally trusting others. I feel vulnerable and small. I am afraid of failer. The smallest things can ruin my normal day. I feel helpless. My energy can run low, I cant solve problems requiring mental effort. I am depressed I am not doing anything meaningful. I get anxiety from not knowing what to do.

I am very sensitive.
When things get too much I shut down.
I keep to easy things so I do not have to exert mental effort.
If it's not worth it I don't do it.
I have no close intimacy.

I need to be emotionally stronger but feel alone.
I feel too much like a failer to try anything with my low energy.
That is why I need to feel my emotions more.
I can't cry when I am sad and hold it all inside.
It is because I have no one to cry to.

I should focus on resilience.
This goes against all ingrained tendencies to feel weak and helpless.

The significant part is to let go of all the held in emotions I have.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#8
Dream last night
I pulled off a strip of dead skin from the back of my right hand. A big flap developed on my wrist that I could see my tendons and redness under the skin of the hand. I tried to closed it after shivers were in me. Everything fused back together. The hand was fine again. But it was very disturbing.

I think this has something to do with vulnerability and violation.
I would not want anything going under the skin so the skin opening up means I was supremely shaken.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#9
Because of my nervous breakdowns and holding in my emotions, I cannot handle criticism. I get taken advantaged of allot (Jungs say this happens to Si types). I get so upset when I get into debates I shake a lot. Because I hold in my anger and my sadness I become a nervous wreck. I cannot express them so it messes me up on the inside. I then can't handle debates where it takes so much effort to remain calm and say what I think is true and counter-arguments my brain makes it so I can't get my thought straight. Instead of having a mental break down I just quiet. everything is just fucked up. I become unstable. And I am frustrated that I feel like I am being judged and I can't defend myself. I just quit. This always changes my behavior. I am scared of making the same mistakes so I become hypervigilant. When I have banned from INTP forum in 2011. I cried when asking to come back. I stopped being myself and just did what I thought was safe, I went slowly and I became more sensitive and weaker. I hate when that happens. It means I am less assertive than before. I am meeker and docile. But there is no other option. If I can't defend myself I don't want the breakdown. So I retreat and become even meeker and submissive. I have no other options. Every little judgment I perceive hurts and I can't do anything about it. I'm just broken.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#10
This video of Einstine perfectly illustrates what I mean by the ability to hold thoughts in your head. He can see his thoughts and manipulate them. Since I have aphantasia I can't see my thoughts. Working things out for me is severely limited for that reason.

 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#12
Energy is low all the time. I spend more time listening than looking. I feel too tight inside to look. I am trying to pay attention more. To loosen up. It's been compressed and bundled up such a long time. I just want it gone. So I can be fluid. So things don't stop me from paying attention. Things we difficult so my mind just curled up trying not to make it worse. I just want things back to normal.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#13
With speed, I noticed the motor commands are slow. And they are slow because of mental blockage. It seems that some part of my frontal lobes is inhibiting fast thinking. Anxiety is the freeze response of the amygdala. Everything tightens up physically and mentally. The control mechanism is stuck. So you need to sit still and feel the stuck parts of your brain. Feel how it's tight and let it untangle. Go slowing with exposer to those things you have trouble with doing fast. This conditions you to not tighten up and you go much faster. You can close your eyes it thing are too much. Control is the biggest part because you can guide everything into a looser state and balance everything. Your body can be involved keeping a frame of reference for control mentally. Simple things like walking in Walmart. The point is to pay attention and look in your brain and guide it softly. Then things speed up fast.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#15
Pick one thread to post random irrelevant videos with no content ak. Your video blog or new maps of hyperspace. I suggest your video blog. Otherwise I'm going to start merging them at my discretion.
I'd rather new maps of hyperspace be closed since I can no longer operate in it as I wish.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#16
Suppressing the shaking it fused into my system. Now it feels numb and the nerves are hot and cold at the same time. I feel like I need to move slowly because the feelings are too much. Just moving makes me feel sensitive to the shakings that was suppressed. Trauma is supposed to go extremely deep into a organisms nervous system. I think I have a mild trauma reactivated. Today was stressful.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#17
I was thinking what it takes to be a staff member of INTP forum. And it has to do with emotion. Staff have to have that control over their emotions along with being socially smart to understand situations and disputes. They have to be socially smart and emotionally smart so they can correctly make the right decisions. There would be problems if they involved too much of themselves personally in moderation. They have to be objective and neutral as possible.

Socially aware and emotionally I am not stable. I cannot really tell what is going on. I am sensitive besides. I cannot be as assertive as some can. I do have a great deal of self-control but it comes from holding everything inside and not expressing my true feeling. That's why I fold like a paper bag on most any encounter. I do not have the inner strength to assert myself, it takes all my willpower not to fall apart. Cause I know I can only sustain logical thinking so long before I can't handle the emotions that seep into the discussion which becomes a debate and then an argument. All my energy is taxed and I cannot reason anymore.

This happens at different rates for people. Staff can reason better, are assertive not internally weak, have more energy, are more emotionally neutral having better judgment, have high social intelligence adding to better reasoning. Overall they are just smarter and better at handling conflict. This is something I wish I had. The biggest thing about myself that would have to change is my internal weaknesses. I would have to become more emotionally neutral instead of just caving into every little thing. I am too emotional and I hold it inside.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#20
Nervousness.

Anxiety disorder
A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities

People may experience:
Whole body: fatigue, restlessness, or sweating
Behavioral: hypervigilance or irritability
Cognitive: racing thoughts or unwanted thoughts
Also common: anxiety, excessive worry, fear, feeling of impending doom, insomnia, nausea, palpitations, poor concentration, or trembling
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#21
I feel inadequate.
I feel like a failer.
I have mental blocks.
Thinking takes too much effort.
Nothing seems to come out of my mind.
I am tired of doing nothing but everything is too hard.
I suppress my emotions because of this. I feel blunted.

I need a project I can work on and not get stuck.
I am a low energy person because I failed so much that's why it takes so much effort.

I do a lot of research I just need some practical implementation.
I need to think what that would be.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#22
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#23
I do not think in real time.
Some can think at the same time they see a movie.
I cannot see my thoughts so they are mostly low-resolution outlines.
Working things out in my head is just slow.

I can still keep track of the logical order and reasoning of a discussion.
I know what people have said and what makes sense, I keep track of whats said.

I just can't go as fast as normal.
I go faster when I know something.
But thinking something new makes me slow down tremendously.
Some think of new stuff automatically, I can't.

Thinking new stuff fast is hard.
Thinking in real time is hard.
I cannot see/hear my thoughts.
I have trouble working things out.

Its a problem with my internal feedback mechanism.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#24
Si (internalizes selective experiences that have left a major impression on them)
Se (gets a full picture of all the details of what they focus on which is everything)

Fi (affect springs forth from within intensifying in the person)
Fe (affect requires an external source to sustain the person)

Ti (concerned with originating new ideas and expanding them further)
Te (concerned with practicality, getting things done, finishing things)

Ni (insights just come out solely from the inside as epiphanies, sudden realization)
Ne (potential is seen in the outside world for everything that could happen)

Animekitty (ISFJ)

Si (internalizes selective experiences that have left a major impression on them)
Fe (affect requires an external source to sustain the person)
Ti (concerned with originating new ideas and expanding them further)
Ne (potential is seen in the outside world for everything that could happen)
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#25
Processing is analogous to manufacturing.
You turn a crack and a line makes tuna cans.

If there were 6 people turning the crack,
I would be the slowest person turning it.

It takes me 6 times longer to work with information than the fastest person.

Some people are ten times faster.
And some people work with information 100 times faster than me.
They have Processing speed at 115.

My brother is 15 times faster than me.
He gets mad at me for being slow.

I need to pause quite some time to process.
People that are fast can get things out immediately.
Something new happens and the response immediately.

Their throughput is high.

What I should try to do in not go so fast.
It causes too much anxiety/pressure to speed up.
Not knowing what to do is worse when your slow figuring out situations.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#29
My ability to think.

Hold information and
manipulate it at speed
IQ 92

Verbal and Spatial/logic
IQ 130

Quote from a blog
"Intelligence is the ability to synthesize information usefully."
Animekitty's view:

Map reality, manipulate/change the map to change reality. (survival)
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#31
Feel scared to make posts.
I need to censor myself,
that wasn't the case before.
But its the price for safety.
I don't want to get Hate.
I have to follow the new political correctness.

(I feel very uncomfortable)
It will go away soon.
Try not to make any mistakes.
Being upset fades with time.
If I appropriately express myself I'll be fine.
But beforehand, I was more myself.
If you cannot fully express yourself you feel restricted.
Before I expressed myself as I wanted.
Now it's scary to think that expressing myself could result in social reprehension.

From what I have experienced I will need to suppress myself. (social repercussions)
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#32
Cooking IQ

Processing speed -
The ability to internalize the instructions and quickly follow through on the steps.

Working memory -
The number of steps in the instructions you can remember at one time.

Perceptional reasoning -
The ability to locate and monitor if the food looks ready or done.

Verbal -
More complex meals have more complex language instructions.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#35
Si - reviewing
Ni - realization

Se - experiencing
Ne - triggering

Fi - glowing
Fe - transparency

Ti - introspective mental manipulation
Te - direct external manipulation
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#38
Creativity begins with putting things together. Putting things together requires understanding the steps involved. To know the steps requires reverse engineering a problem to get a finished product or end result. Problems can be decontracted in many ways but some are more elegant or efficient. The number of variables matters. Because problems can be too big for some people. A solution may be unsophisticated if one is taking a Jerry-rigged approach. I notice someone says something over my head and my response is not as good as it could be.

So a person needs to keep many things in mind and what steps need to be taken. Anything creative requires this. Sometimes I feel stuck and not creative at all. Some people have brains that have a loop that puts things together automatical. Or at least knows how not to become stuck and work on themselves to keep the loop going. Throwing stuff against the wall until it sticks.

I know that I have some kind of loops inside me, it is just underutilized because I do not know the direction it goes in. I know it gets stuck if it goes in the "wrong" direction. I hope I can find the right direction.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#40
It's been a year but finally, my heater and cooler have been fixed.

I was so hot just an hour ago, I live in the desert.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#43
Sits in room with pen and paper notebook.

Nothing happens.

--------------------

Feedforward networks need continues input to produce results.

Feedback networks generate with minimal input, just internal reflection.

--------------------

not sure I know what to do anymore.

my brain doesn't seem to reflect in ways needed for something to happen.

nothing comes out of my head.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#44
Ni - perspective
Se - fidelity

Si - composites
Ne - potential

Fi - meaning
Te - empirical

Ti - rational
Fe - customary
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#46
This drawing reminds me of the girl I met in 2009.
She was very self-aware and perceptive and just knew who I am.
I simply got this feeling around her that we were both present with each other.
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#47
INFP (Animekitty)

Fi - meaning
Ne - potential
Si - composites
Te - empirical

INFJ (Michael Pierce)

Ni - perspective
Fe - customary
Ti - rational
Se - fidelity
 
Local time
Today, 04:27
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
5,846
Location
subjective
#49
I can not feel anything. Everything is bottled up and there is only pain. It is numb inside. And twisting in my mind. My core is faded from awareness. I need my emotions to wash over me. I cant let them cramp up. Nerves tightening down my body. Everything is tangled inside and it needs to be loosened. All the trama binds me, makes me hesitate and freeze. I shake on internally and externally. I'm so tight, I have to relax. But that means I must feel everything. I cannot suppress in any longer. I have to give into it. Stop holding on to it. Let it go.

Heal myself.
 
Top Bottom