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Confessing your love for someone as an INTP

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Bill Cosbor, conqueror of universes
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I know most of us are no real Casanovas, but how do you guys do this? It's a real cliché concept, but almost all of us have to do it sometime... It's so scary. Finding the right moment, finding out how to bring it... oh boy.
 

Bird

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I really like it when I receive shittily drawn animals
and a cutesy little note.

For example:
A bear saying "I cannot bear missing you"


Or:


A llama saying "Llama in your heart please, I'm sorry."
 

Pepper

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I generally just open my mouth and spew out a string of bungled, but well meaning, words at some inopportune moment which are generally received by either a blank stare, a "what?" or, worse yet, a thank you.

*sigh*
 

EyeSeeCold

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We INTPs are too intense for most people, so especially "confessing your love" will freak someone out.

I've found that subtlety works wonders. Most females can pick up on it, the ones who can't aren't worth my time. :cool:

I have tried the cold, "Hey, can we talk?" approach. I've been turned down twice that way.
 

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@ Pepper & EyeSeeCold: My plan was going up to her and just saying I like her, but now I'm doubting that ahah.
What kind of subtlety do you mean?

@Bird: Would all girls like that?
 

Bird

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@ Pepper & EyeSeeCold: My plan was going up to her and just saying I like her, but now I'm doubting that ahah.
What kind of subtlety do you mean?

@Bird: Would all girls like that?


Okay, this is a very good point.



Probably not. I'm a little peculiar.



Some of my "friends" really enjoy
flowers or like you can buy stars?
I'm not sure on the particulars
but I'm sure google is. And things
that don't involve money: love
poems. Uhmmmm there is one in
particular I would like to suggest
only I cannot recall his name for
the life of me. Oh Yeats. Duh.
Or write your own. Just nice little
things. Girls like nice little things.

And if they don't they are just using
you and you don't need that.
 

CoryJames

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You can't usually just jump right into it. Most (note the most) of the time, it isn't the cinematic, epic, sudden, perfectly receptive moment. There are quite a few prerequisites to a successful profession of love. You need to make sure she is completely happy, and not wanting for anything more from the moment. The moment should be proceeded by at least a few hours of time together, in which you perform chivalry to the highest degree. You want her attention to be completely focused on you. This is easier in an isolated environment, but can still be accomplished in a public forum if you have the game. You obviously should be looking her in the eye, but you need to convey, (and this takes practice), an energy with your eyes, an intensity so to speak, so she can understand that what is coming isn't just words. And, this is the hardest bit, and the most dispassionate, you need to be sure she already loves you back. If you put her on the spot with this, and she isn't ready for it, you seriously hinder or even cripple the possibility for a future successful profession.

I do not mean to say that this is the only method for going about it. This guideline is from my own and my closest friends' (term used lightly, its just hard not to know everybody's life stories when you go to a boarding schools of less than 300 students for 5 years) experience, it might not apply to everyone. There are contradictions to every rule, and I even have one from my own experience. I myself have dropped the L bomb 3 times in my near 20 years. Perhaps my most intimate relationship (this is saying a lot for an INTP), was with my latest girlfriend (now ex, sadly), and my own rule was completely broken. We met through a mutual friend by accident, over skype of all things. We talked a little bit that night, first jokingly over the camera, then more seriously off. We exchanged numbers, and the conversation never ended, not for the next 11 months. We became fast friends (she is a very smart girl, and I love a good rapport and intellectual stimulation), but did not meet face to face (she went to a different boarding school) for two months. She lived six hours from me, but spent most of her time not at school at a friends house who lives less than an hour away. Over a Christmas break she needed to be picked up from the airport, as she was flying up from a Florida family vacation before her family to spend some time closer to her school friends, but her friend was out of town that night. I offered. Took her to dinner. Went to drop her off at her friends (she had a key). Spent 4 hours parked in the driveway just talking. Kiss happened. Saw her three more times that break before she had to go home. It was amazing. It just felt right. Saying goodbye was terrible.

I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to see her again before going back for another stretch at our separate boarding schools, and having to go back to talking over the phone or on the computer, and I felt regret at not being complete honest and forthcoming about how I felt about her, somewhat out of fear and somewhat out of not being able to find the right words. I was afraid of losing her, and I wanted another chance. So the next morning I woke up extra early, drove 6 hours and arrived at her house unannounced, knocked on the door, got her ginger brother, asked for Emily, she came out, hugged me, looked at me confused, and said what are you doing here. I blanked on my six hour solo drive planned, rehearsed speech about my feelings. So I said I love you. To which she responded with crying. Then kissing me. Which confused and hurt at first until she told me "no it's good tears".

Guess the moral of that ramble is that cinematic sometimes does happen and works too. I also think it might show that I have some unresolved feelings for that girl. I did not plan on sharing/typing all that when I clicked reply. Damn.
 

CoryJames

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Okay and I typed all that under the impression that you meant love love. Not like love. Rereading the thread makes me realize the futility of my response, which compounds my negative emotions about rediscovering my feelings for my ex.

More Damn.
 

CoryJames

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My response to the newly discovered point of your threat:

Confessing like and receiving a good reception is easy-ish. But it takes a bit of time. Step one. Flirt with her. I use the pull push pull method personally. It requires immense subtlety and mastery of it comes purely with practice. Find ways to spend time with her, alone or in public, doesn't matter. Give her attention, small (very small) praises and compliments. Make her think you might like her. Then be jokingly (NICELY!) sarcastic and tease her a bit, get her a little (LITTLE) off balance. Make her unsure if you like her. Take the ball back into your court. Then be nice and show your liking her again, maybe a bit moreso. Don't be generic, don't compliment and focus on what she already hears from other chaps, point out the weird little things you like she hasn't heard before. But still don't come outright with it. Do it jokingly and teasingly. Intrigue her. Make HER want to spend more time with YOU. Keep doing this, confusing her about your intentions, making things new and exciting and unconventional from what she is used to. Soon enough she will be the one chasing you. And when it is obvious she likes you back, then you can just come outright and say it. You can even be cheesy about it. She will be happy and relieved to finally know for sure, and give you a good reception.

Again. My experience. Almost always (and I don't say this in vanity) met with success. I sorta discovered it by accident, then honed it into an art. After a while you'll even be able to squeeze the whole process into a single conversation over the speakers at a frat party...although I think the environment, alcohol, and nature of the girls who attend frat parties sorta helps with that.
 

EyeSeeCold

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@ Pepper & EyeSeeCold: My plan was going up to her and just saying I like her, but now I'm doubting that ahah.
What kind of subtlety do you mean?
The problem with a straightforward confession is that it gives them an ultimatum: Yes or no. Kiss you or walk away. What are they supposed to do? Females, most of the time, are just as shy and confused as you. This is why you have to ease into it, to let them become attracted to your personality.

Try to find a way to associate with the person you fancy regularly. Facebook can break the ice, but you have to keep it to a minimum. Only use it to give yourself an alibi to talk in person.
 

Gather_Wanderer

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Do you have to say it? I mean, I've been seeing this girl for a few months now--came out of nowhere really--and she has to be, by far, the best I've ever been with. All kinds of good comes from it and we have yet to have any sort of discussion about relationship or love-declaring kind of things...Well, she has more than once subtly told me about how much she likes me, and seems to be even more private with her feelings than I (truthfully, I don't think I'm that private. If asked, I tell. That's how I've always been.)

Anyway, we both know where we stand and never feel the need to talk about it. Things are seeming to develop nicely on their own.
 

Vrecknidj

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I know most of us are no real Casanovas, but how do you guys do this? It's a real cliché concept, but almost all of us have to do it sometime... It's so scary. Finding the right moment, finding out how to bring it... oh boy.
It all depends.

Are you talking about someone you're all dizzy in the head about? Is it possible you're in the grip of an anima projection?

If it's real. If he or she is "the one," and you know it, and you know he or she knows it, then just bring it up. Be honest. Be yourself. Encourage and admire the other person to be himself or herself.

And everything will turn out fine.

Worked for me 22 years ago. My wife I and, before we were that, met in May of 88 and were married in November of 88. Sometime in late June we knew. It hasn't all been sunshine and roses since, of course, relationships that are real aren't like that.

But, we're different people, we're different types, we have different interests and different points of view. But, I'm me, and she's her, and that's that.

Dave
 

cheese

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How did you 'know', Vrecknidj? I hear about this but I have no idea what it means, especially since it's a concept not accepted by everyone. Could you elaborate on what you mean? What thoughts and feelings were associated with that knowing?

And how do you distinguish between anima projection and the real deal? Was your wife not that for you? (I remember you saying something about feeling dizzy/light-headed with her, even now on occasion.)
 

Dimensional Transition

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Well, to clear things up. I've been talking to her for about 2-3 months now, and at first I just thought she was a nice girl, but then she started smiling every time I saw her, waving and stuff, and a week ago or something we 'accidentally' touched shoulders. Normally you wouldn't like lean against someone when standing next to someone right?
She's very mysterious though, I know some stuff about her, but she keeps everything about herself so short and simple. I would like to know more. It's awesome.

Oh and Cory, don't worry, I enjoyed reading all that text (:

But yeah, I guess it'll always be tricky.
 

LPolaright

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I usually go with a lot of drama, trying to connect things that are not connected and mumbling about loads of theories about love and I remind her of the long time we had together and try to manipulate it into a lovely metaphor and after all that conversation I go like "bottom line is... that I love you" and then comes the shock.

My girlfriend that has been with me for 3 years now responded "Ahhh...". She wanted to say it back but I think she was confused with all my metaphors and theories and just didn't know what to say even though it was obvious I was going to say it.

Bottom line, don't over-think it - if you do, you are just going to stall and procrastinate it. That's what I did and I almost lost her. When it comes to it you will know what you want to say but it'll never come out as you wanted it to.
 

walfin

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Yes, just ask her out and say it directly and confidently. Don't waste time. The less confident you are, the more likely she'll find you creepy.
 

Bird

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Please keep in mind I am not like other girls:
if you were to tell me you loved me after
two - three months and we do not spend hours
together daily; as soon as you utter those
words I will be done with you. Too soon. Too soon.
 

CoryJames

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Well, to clear things up. I've been talking to her for about 2-3 months now, and at first I just thought she was a nice girl, but then she started smiling every time I saw her, waving and stuff, and a week ago or something we 'accidentally' touched shoulders. Normally you wouldn't like lean against someone when standing next to someone right?
She's very mysterious though, I know some stuff about her, but she keeps everything about herself so short and simple. I would like to know more. It's awesome.

Oh and Cory, don't worry, I enjoyed reading all that text (:

But yeah, I guess it'll always be tricky.

So you want to confess your love to someone whom you have done nothing more physically intimate than rub shoulders with? Damn, I envy the nature of your conversation.

But in all seriousness, I hope that was simply a poor choice of words for the title. You need to shift the circumstances of your relationship with this girl. Personally, I don't like rejection, so I generally try to make sure I KNOW a girl feels the same way about me as I do her before I admit any feelings, which I tried to explain how to do in previous posts. If you aren't a coward like me, you could always just come straight out and tell her you have feelings for her, and her reaction will clear up how she feels.

Either "making" her like you or finding out if she does is the next step you must take, but I wouldn't languish in your position much longer, or if she DOES like you, she might feel you don't like her back and girls have a tendency to move on very quickly when they feel they aren't getting feelings reciprocated. They have a need for attention in that sense.
 

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So you want to confess your love to someone whom you have done nothing more physically intimate than rub shoulders with? Damn, I envy the nature of your conversation.

But in all seriousness, I hope that was simply a poor choice of words for the title. You need to shift the circumstances of your relationship with this girl. Personally, I don't like rejection, so I generally try to make sure I KNOW a girl feels the same way about me as I do her before I admit any feelings, which I tried to explain how to do in previous posts. If you aren't a coward like me, you could always just come straight out and tell her you have feelings for her, and her reaction will clear up how she feels.

Either "making" her like you or finding out if she does is the next step you must take, but I wouldn't languish in your position much longer, or if she DOES like you, she might feel you don't like her back and girls have a tendency to move on very quickly when they feel they aren't getting feelings reciprocated. They have a need for attention in that sense.
Maybe a bad choice of words, English is not my mother language.
But yeah, I'm very inexperienced in this. Damn. Now I'm really doubting this again. I thought waving and smiling constantly, laughing and stuff was enough of an indicator?
And 2-3 months too soon? I've known her longer, just never talked to her. All other girls I've asked for advice tell me I should hurry up!
Boy this is confusing haha

Edit: I've decided this is creepy and should stop over-thinking this.
 

CoryJames

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It isn't creepy. It is normal to get weird over girls. I do agree you should hurry up though. Tell her you like her. Whats the worst that could happen. She doesn't like you back. Then you at least know.
 

Jesse

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Just talk to the dam girl. It's obvious you both want to see where things go. Also don't use the L word, unless it's like.
 

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Just talk to the dam girl. It's obvious you both want to see where things go. Also don't use the L word, unless it's like.
Oh.
I had no idea. I'm pretty ignorant in stuff like that.

Also, what's the worst that could happen: That I'll have to live with really awkward confrontations with her and her friends every week...
 

kantor1003

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As someone else asked, I don't understand either; why say that you love her? Especially seeing that you haven't even been intimate. Is it that you think that saying the L word will be your ticket to a relationship?
Obviously, I would not say it. At least not at that stage (are you two really anything other but friends?) It can freak her out. You should rather show it physically using body language, touching, and by teasing and flirting. Let her say it to you first:)
 

Gather_Wanderer

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I think I should clarify my earlier statement, want to avoid confusion, etc.

At some point (assuming a typical relationship development cycle) you will probably say that you do, in fact, love her...if you love her. I would just suggest you don't force the words out of your mouth, just to fulfill some sort of requirement. I would just remember that, if anything.
 

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Woah woah. Obviously I regard the word differently than some others here.
I also use the word love to describe my appreciation of my friends, or my cat for that matter.
Okay, so I won't use that word.

This has become such an interesting thread, everybody has different views on what to do, lots of contradictions. It's almost 50/50.
 

JarNew

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LOLove

There's this one chick who has pretty much brainwashed me along with my own self brainwashing to believe she is my soulmate.

I confessed my love for her in an essay on FaceBook at the end of the summer. She told me she "totally respected that". But didn't have any love for me back... FriendZONE FTL

I hung out with her a little over a month ago then met up with her a few days later to get something and then I was going to ask her to hang out. ALL of my cursed feelings returned after hanging out with her so.....

I decided to buy her a flower. When I met up with her she was with a dude so after I got my shit I immediately left. I put the flower on her windshield along with a note addressed to the dude she was with. I wrote LOL on the note

I got her a pink rose which is supposed to represent "Secret Love"

Love is an illusion, confess it in a cumshot

But figure out what she likes, hang out with her [his?] friends and ask questions. When you chill with her look around her room for items which look like gifts. Depends on the girl
 

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Bill Cosbor, conqueror of universes
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Damn that's a sad story, I feel sorry for you man... You've not given up trying though, right?(With other girls of course)

I've never ever been to a girls' room. Or well, with two exceptions. When I was 12 at a party with a lot of other people, and a year ago when I went to my friend and from there we went to his girlfriends' house and they ended up cuddling there and I just left.

I think I know what she's into, essentially we both like somewhat the same things because else I wouldn't really bother talking to a girl anyways. She's not into space though, or plants.
 

CoryJames

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EyeSeeCold

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"No battle plan survives contact with the enemy"
 

Lostwitheal

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I have an existential map. It has "You are here" w
Uhmmmm there is one in
particular I would like to suggest
only I cannot recall his name for
the life of me. Oh Yeats.
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
 

JarNew

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lol yea chicks are into lame stuff for the most part.

if you know what she's interested in and what you're interested in and what your common interests are, maybe do something BIG with her that is in relation to those interests. Idk if that was too vague.

I just read in another thread that you feel rejected.

That was my exact problem because back then I had no self confidence at all. I THOUGHT about it way too much. I THOUGHT I had to be her ideal person but what originally attracted her to me was my sense of humour and just me being me. Which was essentially me putting on an act of badassery not caring about other's opinions of me and being obnoxiously funny (didnt really anyway) to impress her. BUT SHE LIKED IT!

Now I know this may sound hard for you to do when you think about it... but just be yourself

Confessing love.. Are you sure you're not just infatuated?

Do you really know her? Her goals, her dreams, her past?

Don't rush it, take it slow.......


Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
This is amazing.

Also OP, don't be afraid to use suggestive hypnosis or to influence her in positive ways toward your own worldview
 

zackp24

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I guess I'll just echo what most people have said here, be slow, be subtle. Definitely don't just straight up tell her you love her. I did that, and she handled it extremely well; we remained good friends and actually grew much closer later on, but it also marked the starting point of year of incredible pain and emotional difficulty that I'm just now coming out of.
 

Melkor

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Why bother?

Love dies like everything else, it just has to be left long enough to starve.
 

gephura

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My response to the newly discovered point of your threat:

Make her think you might like her. Then be jokingly (NICELY!) sarcastic and tease her a bit, get her a little (LITTLE) off balance. Make her unsure if you like her. Take the ball back into your court. Then be nice and show your liking her again, maybe a bit moreso. Don't be generic, don't compliment and focus on what she already hears from other chaps, point out the weird little things you like she hasn't heard before. But still don't come outright with it. Do it jokingly and teasingly. Intrigue her. Make HER want to spend more time with YOU. Keep doing this, confusing her about your intentions, making things new and exciting and unconventional from what she is used to. Soon enough she will be the one chasing you. And when it is obvious she likes you back, then you can just come outright and say it. You can even be cheesy about it. She will be happy and relieved to finally know for sure, and give you a good reception.
.
That is true. It definitely works on me. Damn, my psyche was just unravelled :confused:. I feel so generic now!
 

CoryJames

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Sorry love, you ladies aren't the mysterious and unique princesses most of you fancy yourselves as. You are just as predictable as us men, for the most part.
 

Stoic Beverage

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I'm not sure, but it's rather chilly.
I'm no expert, and haven't tried this, so if you get shot down I claim no responsibility. However, this is how I'd go about it. (Or, more specifically, plan to go about it next time the situation arises)

Just chat and try to get to a bit of a quieter spot. Finish a sentence, then say "Anyway, I like you. Wanna go out?" While she's processing what you just said, look over with a sincere, hopeful smile and a raised eyebrow.
If you're usually more for deep conversation, as I assume you are, that'll probably catch her off guard. I imagine she'll either recoil mentally, or find it charming. Not sure which. Good luck!
 

CoryJames

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As I have not tried Stoic Beverages style, except as a joke with female friends to mess with them, I will not say it doesn't work. However, I will say that my technique, which our new friend Gephura affirmed, is almost always successful. Doesn't matter what league she is in, what you look like, how cool you are. If you can make it so she can't get you off her mind, it's like a golden ticket. You get to go inside of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, if you feel me.
 

gephura

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Sorry love, you ladies aren't the mysterious and unique princesses most of you fancy yourselves as. You are just as predictable as us men, for the most part.
I actually often find men more enigmatic once you pass the acts they have to perform to come across as 'manly'. But that's just my point of view.
 

CoryJames

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I do believe our status as men and the subsequent gender role we have as the initiator gives us a bit more wiggle room to be different. It is true though, a lot of men feel the need to reassure themselves and those around them, "I've got a penis and I know how to use it".

I do my best to avoid such peacockery, if you'll allow me my Doctor Seuss moment. Not only do I recognize it as unnecessary, but it also makes me stand out a bit too.
 

indigofireflies

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It would be nice if there was any advice about how we INTP girls should go about expressing our feelings for someone... especially when they said the 'L' word and you sat there, gawking pretty much like this ---> :storks:
 

CoryJames

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That probably means you jumped the gun with it cupcake. And as for guys? Come on now...we are easy, or so most of your "sisters" claim. Sex, sandwiches and beer, right?

There have gotta be some girls who can give better advice than me. If there aren't I could try my best.
 

gephura

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Can't help you there. The situation you just described feels all too familiar.

Saying it myself is another problem. Any experience on that?
 

gephura

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That probably means you jumped the gun with it cupcake. And as for guys? Come on now...we are easy, or so most of your "sisters" claim. Sex, sandwiches and beer, right?
.
Unfortunately, although there are guys like this in abundance, I don't care for this type.
 

CoryJames

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I was sarcasming at you. You'll find that men, especially those here, are not as simple as you think. I feel like the guys here, while not always your typical "ladies' men" have a lot to offer to any woman. Intelligence. Good listening skills. A challenge (trying to get emotional availability). Humour, though a bit dark I must say. Not someone you can walk all over or get to do what you want with the usual sexual blackmail. The sort of stuff that gives a relationship substance, and excitement.
 

gephura

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I was sarcasming at you. You'll find that men, especially those here, are not as simple as you think. I feel like the guys here, while not always your typical "ladies' men" have a lot to offer to any woman. Intelligence. Good listening skills. A challenge (trying to get emotional availability). Humour, though a bit dark I must say. Not someone you can walk all over or get to do what you want with the usual sexual blackmail. The sort of stuff that gives a relationship substance, and excitement.
Ignoring sarcasm is one of my few joys in life.

But in all honesty, I would welcome that kind of substance in a relationship.
 

indigofireflies

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I was sarcasming at you. You'll find that men, especially those here, are not as simple as you think. I feel like the guys here, while not always your typical "ladies' men" have a lot to offer to any woman. Intelligence. Good listening skills. A challenge (trying to get emotional availability). Humour, though a bit dark I must say. Not someone you can walk all over or get to do what you want with the usual sexual blackmail. The sort of stuff that gives a relationship substance, and excitement.
Sarcasming? I'm going to start using that word from now on.

I'm actually having a bit of that in my relationship -- I've never met someone who I could be fascinated by and who could, in return, deal with my oddly logical insanity.

But the L word? He was asking for this, really. >.>

Maybe there are more secret girls that will answer my plea. D:
 

CoryJames

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Simple answer House. He wasn't ready for that step. There is no magical solution to make him want to hear that or say it back. Just time, and trust. It takes work.
 

CoryJames

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Or you could take the advice of Jared I felt was so potent I captured it forever in my sig. And by forever I mean until someone says something funnier.
 

indigofireflies

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Simple answer House. He wasn't ready for that step. There is no magical solution to make him want to hear that or say it back. Just time, and trust. It takes work.
Hold up a moment. I think you are under the impression I was the one confessing my feelings for him -- it's the other way around.
 
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