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Dark thoughts

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
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I think we should have a thread about dark thoughts that come to our mind.

Y'know, to avoid the enlargement of a jungian shadow.
 

Rebis

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I'm attracted to one of my flatmates. We've been doing a lot of activities recently but I don't have any commitments like messaging them incessantly during the day. We went shopping earlier but plain and simple I notice she smelt bad. I think we've been pretty close to opportunistically hitting on each other but due to sobreity and such there hasn't been an easy gateway to it. We're having a party in our accommodation and she's been messaging me drunk to come in for a smoke, I did but left because it didn't seem like we were moving and it was super loud. Now they're looking me to go up to the student treehouse to smoke with them.

I think I started it though: I messaged her 12 times to go to a club while I was super drunk, think it give her the hint that I liked her. She told me quite literally "I'm kind of an attention whore" (Her words, not mine). She knows someone I was interested in a while back and I was pretty into her, flattering her with compliments 24/7 so I think she thinks I'll give her that treatment. Now it's self-sustaining: I started it and she's reciprocating.

TLDR: the smell is distracting me, even if they don't smell like that right now. I've always had a weird rule in my head I shouldn't go for flatmates, though two people in my flat have a stable relationship so maybe it isn't all that bad.

TLTLDR: Pretty much being an asshole for nitpicking here.
 

Rebis

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Well I had a smoke with them but since we're not on the same level it's best not to develop it as such. It'll make me seem uninteresting if we're not on the same plane, if you get me.
 

Rebis

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I keep getting paranoid that someone that I know will search this forum and find me. If someone's behaviour changes relating to a post I have put up, I'll be suspicious at times that they could easily find what I've posted.
 

Rebis

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Are we aware that on some level, we're generally the more insane types of people out there? That's not to say I take issue in this, I just wonder if we're all self-aware of our idiosyncrasies. This is sort of what I want this thread ot facilitate: a concretion of our thoughts seperate from our behaviour.

Sure, dark thoughts are not inherited from our MBTI, but they are articulated better than other types. In a neutral, amoral manner.

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Rebis

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I've been getting recent bursts of social energy, i just sent like a few hundred messages to an old friend in an hour and a half, it's been exhilerating. Talking to these people that're old friends from 6 years ago, I am absolutely amazed at how much I've progressed from then. Looking back, and comparing myself to thess people I've literally apexed them in so many different ways which is fantastic for my residual anxiety back then. It was a terrible school, no one believed in me and for a while my ego resided in proving people wrong. It was such a terrible school. I wasn't even allowed to do moderately difficult science classes as it was up to their disgression. The single-core science classes were laughable, especially the test questions. So, so bad.

Thankfully I didn't hold onto such an ineffectual stubbornness for too long, I got the main benefits: Exploded self-development, fantastic confidence, constantly running towards failure and generally crafting a life against what people expected. I still have that drive in some ways but it's less of a conscious effort.the unconscious pursuit of becoming better has stuck with me for the most part.

Anyways, I just want to go back to my school, talk to some people in my old school which were seen as competent but ultimately didn't get anywhere. The typical high-school fantasy of giving your teachers a big fuck you for trying to play the hand of fate on your life. To my high school teachers: Fuck you, retards.

I deifnitely had a big problem with authority

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The Grey Man

Denken ist schwer
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Forgot to sedate myself with whiskey before going to bed :(
 

Tomten

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My mother had a severe stroke a year back. The stroke has left most of her body paralyzed. It has also left her with great difficulties communicating: She can't speak, but she occasionally nods her head in response to questions (but she does not seem to understand the questions asked of her very well, or at all in some cases). She points her left hand at things she wants and screams when she is in pain (and the latter happens really really often). So what is my dark thought? I sometimes wish she had died from that stroke instead of this.
 

Rebis

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Forgot to sedate myself with whiskey before going to bed :(
Dark times my friend.

My mother had a severe stroke a year back. The stroke has left most of her body paralyzed. It has also left her with great difficulties communicating: She can't speak, but she occasionally nods her head in response to questions (but she does not seem to understand the questions asked of her very well, or at all in some cases). She points her left hand at things she wants and screams when she is in pain (and the latter happens really really often). So what is my dark thought? I sometimes wish she had died from that stroke instead of this.
Understandable, we all have horrible thoughts but behaviour is the defining quality.
 

Ex-User (14663)

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I don't like old people. I just don't speak their language, man.

but it's probably just due to the fact that most people are boring as hell and that becomes even more pronounced as they get older.

edit: tbh I don't know wtf I'm saying, I just wanted to say something negative
 

Rebis

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I don't like old people. I just don't speak their language, man.

but it's probably just due to the fact that most people are boring as hell and that becomes even more pronounced as they get older.

edit: tbh I don't know wtf I'm saying, I just wanted to say something negative
To add to this anytime a old person gives me a handshake, or I need to get past them to grab an item, or even old relatives that hug me I feel like I'm sacrificing a part of my health: I read a study quite a while ago saying that early-onset dementia in youth can be triggered by salivation from old people, in other words it is not necessarily bound by age. In posting this I tried to check my sources there and couldn't find anything concrete so I'm optimistic I can eliminate this fear. I started thinking of the interactions vampirically: their brains lighting up at social interaction, while transmitting diseases through kissing young children and such. It was fucked up I gotta say. Imagine if the whole world became captivated by this reasoning, it'd be a precedent for genocide. Now that's truly fucked up. Dangerous thoughts.
 

EndogenousRebel

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I read a study quite a while ago saying that early-onset dementia in youth can be triggered by salivation from old people, in other words it is not necessarily bound by age.
That sounds like major league horse shit. The health care industry would let it be known if it were true. But yeah I think there is a class old people that feast on flesh and souls of the youth.
 

EndogenousRebel

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A good analogy for the human condition is a extremely short play being recorded, the lead performers being virtuosos in front of a bourgeoisie audience, the theater being located inside a bigger theatre, and everything outside that theatre is a fucking mess.
 

Rebis

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"He reached hastily into his pocket. The bum had stopped him and asked for a dime, then had gone on talking, as if to kill that moment and postpone the problem of the next. Pleas for dimes were so frequent in the streets these days that it was not necessary to listen to explanations, and he had no desire to hear the details of this bum's particular despair."
 

Child

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I don’t think I am emotionally on the same level as my classmates. They were all saying the last time they cried for some reason, any they were all like,”Omg I cried yesterday because I got a bad grade” or “I cried this morning because I was listening to a sad song” and then I was just like “wait seriously?” I think my classmates are just sensitive though. Or maybe I’m a robot like everyone says. Also, why are people scared of so many things? And why are they scared of things like sharks and planes but not people? People kill each other all the time, and sharks and planes rarely kill people.
 

peoplesuck

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I think im more in touch with my soft side, and my rough side, than most people. I think most people deny how kind humans can be, and just how violent. We are living in this somewhat peaceful, somewhat violent world, I wish humanity would pick a side and make something happen here.
What would the best ideology be?
I think it would be something like destroying evil. Does it it make you evil to kill a murderer? I dont think so, I think the best ideology would be a magnifying mirror, whatever you reflect, gets magnified and sent back. Destroying bad, supporting good. I think evil could be defined as hurting other beings, destroying the world.
Everyone seems to be crazy, and the people we like, are the same type of crazy as we are.
People are products of their environments, so idk if you would really call a bad person bad, fire isnt bad. To kill the people who never chose to be how they are, or to sit by the sidelines and allow them to burn the world down. I dont see a problem with putting out dangerous fires. Not all fires harm things, some can be quite handy.
Is it more evil to kill what is essentially innocent, or to allow evil to happen? This is a tough issue humans wont agree on.
I think my outlook on humanity is fairly dark, and im not even sure if its bias. Maybe I just keep running into psychos, maybe its just how people are.
well, if you cant beat them, avoid them at all costs and never become them.
:cat:
 

Drvladivostok

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My mother had a severe stroke a year back. The stroke has left most of her body paralyzed. It has also left her with great difficulties communicating: She can't speak, but she occasionally nods her head in response to questions (but she does not seem to understand the questions asked of her very well, or at all in some cases). She points her left hand at things she wants and screams when she is in pain (and the latter happens really really often). So what is my dark thought? I sometimes wish she had died from that stroke instead of this.
My grandfather also had a stroke attack 6 years ago, he already had severe diabetes and Alzheimer, he could barely walk and his feet was so swollen he needed a cane, he also couldn't articulate words very well, sometimes using hand gesture, he also spontaneously cried from time to time, when it happened he was in the shower (A helper was showering him), cracked his head, by the time he was in the hospital we has completely paralyzed, he ended up in a come for 6 weeks, the last 2 he spent being strapped to a respirator, the choice to pull the plug on the life support completely devastate my mother. I also have the same opinion.
 

Cognisant

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A friend of a friend's mother died recently, lung disease, passed out while smoking and they noticed because she had dropped the cigarette and set herself on fire, she died in hospital while breathing 100% oxygen, or so my friend says, I'm not sure they actually give patients such a dangerous (to them and everyone in the room) amount.

We remarked how cruel it is to try and keep someone in such a condition alive, that rather than prolonging her suffering with oxygen they could have ended it swiftly and painlessly with nitrogen. I'm worried my own mother will die in such circumstances, I'm worried that I'll have a stroke or something and be unable to either live or kill myself.

I reckon someone could make a business out of this, a hitman agency where people go to take out contracts on themselves.

There's an agency and a bank, you purchase a contract with the agency which the bank holds in trust, you make regular payments to the bank to keep the contract closed, the interest on the amount paid for the contract goes to the agency. The bank wants to keep you alive so you keep making payments, when you stop making payments they have no incentive to keep the contract closed. The agency gets to keep whatever amount of the contract remains after they've paid the hitman who killed you, if you die of natural causes before the hitman can kill you the bank gives the money to an elected charity or relative.

This gives the hitman an incentive to be not-too-subtle in killing you and the agency will prefer hiring hit men who kill their targets decisively as this is after all the service their clients are paying for. Legally I imagine it would be a lot like marijuana in Australia, technically illegal but not something the police actively pursue you for or most people in the public have a problem with.

Just imagine some guy in leathers and a motorcycle helmet rolls up on a hospital, walks past the line up to the front desk and states a name, the nurse doesn't look up just stares at her screen and states a room floor and bed number as if talking to herself. Indeed everyone in the room is pretending he doesn't exist as he proceeds to the ICU, respectfully giving way to doctors and nurses attending to a moving stretcher, when he gets there he finds the bed, checks the clipboard, comes up alongside while pulling a small silenced pistol out of his jacket. Turns off the heart monitor, presses the barrel to the patient's chest and puts a single bullet in their heart. After checking their pulse he puts the gun away then turns around and walks out, being ignored by everyone as he goes, giving a quick nod to the receptionist before he leaves.
 

sushi

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if i could commit genocide against stupid people-conformists i probably would. most likely SJs

is there anything worse than death a human can suffer?

there is already hired hitmen on the darknet.
 

dair

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The anniversary of my grandfather's death is approaching and it feels surreal to contemplate. Although everything about his death felt/feels surreal. I find myself grateful he passed before covid and the many of the tumultuous events of 2020. Keeping him safe from covid would have turned me into an anxious paranoid mess. If he had caught it, I don't think I could've lived with that kind of failure.

Strokes really suck. They throw into sharp relief how mechanical we really are: the vulnerability of our physicality. We wear thin, just the same as the tread of a tire. The mind is not simply itself. It works in tandem with so many other systems that we don't even really identify as 'us.' Something as simple as a mechanical failure in your body and you die a little bit. Not even death is black and white as it turns out. Some die bit by agonizing bit. He had wanted to die, probably for a longer time than I even knew. He waited too long though and had lost that autonomy. He sabotaged his health where he could in that self negligent, denial way common among depressives, but the night he died, he did not want to die. That ardent wish gave way and he was instead afraid.

I think in hospitals at least they keep you drugged enough out of your gourd that you don't fight or fear the process; provided the nurse isn't pinching your opiates.
 

peoplesuck

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if i could commit genocide against stupid people-conformists i probably would. most likely SJs

is there anything worse than death a human can suffer?

there is already hired hitmen on the darknet.
The problem with that attitude, is that it doesnt work well. I naturally would choose to use brute force too, but in most cases, diplomacy actually works better. People create a lawless zone, call it chaz, people who think they are doing good come along, little do they know, there are some real evil people coming with them. You could say,
" let them all die, they chose to go there". The problem with that juicy line of thinking, is that people make mistakes, people have misguided beliefs. People can learn from things, you dont have to kill them, let them learn their lesson, and be a better man, and help them. I may be more forgiving since Ive been a complete dumbass most of my life, but in some cases, diplomacy and forgiveness are best.

I think in hospitals at least they keep you drugged enough out of your gourd that you don't fight or fear the process; provided the nurse isn't pinching your opiates.
Makes you wonder what the solution to a hospital would be. Perhaps a more natural life, filled with dangerous activities. Simple things like hiking, using hand tools, can certainly end your life.. getting old beyond autonomy is a terrible way to go
 

ZenRaiden

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The dark oh so dark. OK let me in. OK so you want my bad person thoughts?
I know humans are kind of great creatures. We endured a lot and we covered the Earth.
The thing is sometimes I think humans will not make it. I think we are dumb. Not in conventional sense. I think rats for example are much smarter and badass than humans.
So I think rats will be here long after all of human kind is gone.
Cats and dogs? Not sure about. We love em, but rats are another level.
 

Instrident

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Deliriously sedated, Wooo, the drugs kicked in. Dark thoughts abound.
 

Animekitty

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I care too much
I should stop caring
nobody cares
I am sad
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
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I care too much
I should stop caring
nobody cares
I am sad
“There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein
 

BurnedOut

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I don't want to antagonize you. But speaking of dark thoughts, while I was reading the first few posts which were all written by you, I really felt that I was reading a creepypasta !
 

Animekitty

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To have in life is selfish.
I am not selfish.
So I don't have anything.
I wish I had something.
But that means I need to be a little more selfish.
 

Instrident

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Mind: What the hell is wrong with me, I'm loosing my shit, no, that's not possible. I shouldn't have said that, oh but if you hadn't I'd make you wish you had.
You should probably sleep though, nah fuck it that's too much effort. I'm kind of hungry...wtf...the fridge is like downstairs and it would take ages, yeah but why does that matter, listen to your gut, NO I'm NOT doing it...Just do it. Cmon. Feel the hunger? Yep that's not gonna subside. Maybe if I slee....told you that was out of the question.
FUCK my life. I'm going downstairs.
 

Muteki

Existence reflects upon itself
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In a way, simply allowing others to suffer, in the hopes they'll learn better from their own negligence rather than attempting to help them. As has become unfortunately apparent, many people seem to find the greatest growth upon overcoming deep hardship. I'll coin I might feel a sort of "morbid joy" to see others going through dark issues, seeing if they can overcome on their own, learn or deteriorate, and possibly become more insightful or interesting due to it.
 

EndogenousRebel

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In a way, simply allowing others to suffer, in the hopes they'll learn better from their own negligence rather than attempting to help them. As has become unfortunately apparent, many people seem to find the greatest growth upon overcoming deep hardship. I'll coin I might feel a sort of "morbid joy" to see others going through dark issues, seeing if they can overcome on their own, learn or deteriorate, and possibly become more insightful or interesting due to it.
Stress always has been a tool for growth. But the 'what doesn't kill makes you stronger' mentality is deeply flawed. Stress should be applied over time and with ample opportunity to recover. Stories of people that are successful who came from a history of trauma are far and few between despite journalistic presentation of them. Most who experience unbearable amounts of stress over a short time suffer from debilitating/disadvantageous mental distortions.

I agree that with the right attitude and resourcefulness one can emerge with an experience that pushes them forward, but I disagree that a traumatic experience makes someone more 'able.' Most people would do well to have a parental/mentor figure that can orient them in the right direction, not to solve their problems for them, but help them solve it themselves. If someone falls in water and you stop, wait and see if they are drowning or not- I don't want to say it's your obligation to do so, but if you know they can't swim and you don't help, well it's very telling.
 

Muteki

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I was hoping that would all go without saying really, but here we are. It is only a possibility for few to begin with. Obviously unrealistic for most but for those with certain potential, but a romantic outcome I like to ponder on I thought might be suitably dark
 

EndogenousRebel

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Excuse me if I'm being redundant, but the only part of what I wrote that goes without saying is that some people can manage their trauma, and some people can excel because of it, as you implicate in your reply.

I failed to convey the big idea of why I wrote that: Even people that start in poverty and end up graduating from Harvard and having a successful career continue to deal with their trauma well into adulthood. Who's to say that without said stresses one wouldn't be just as or more successful? It takes a certain level of.. self-righteousness (takes one to know one) to assume ones assessment and choice to intervene or not intervene in ones troubles will bring about more good. Devils in the details, sure, let the kids put forks in the outlet, "they'll know better later, curiosity has it's costs and pain is a part of life." Everyone should be able to tolerate suffering on some level, but that quoted "insight" won't immediately come to them and people are liable to draw destructive conclusions that domino into other conclusions lowering their overall quality for years to come, no matter how competent someone is. There is simply no way of knowing how one will react to circumstances, and we can't read minds. It's just safe to offer a helping hand whenever possible.
 

Animekitty

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My dog died in 2018.
I wonder where she is now.
She was made of atoms but the thing is that atoms do not disappear.
Atoms simply move position. So she can't just be gone. The proximity of her atoms just changed.
Some people see consciousness as only an epiphenomenon of a body machine.
But there is no reason for qualia such as sweet and sour, red and blue, for love.
No reason what so ever. Atoms bouncing around are just atoms bouncing around.
So what if you go somewhere else when the atom change proximity.
My dog Bubu is still alive somewhere.
But if Death is infinite nothingness then that is a dark thought.
 

Muteki

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There's all sorts of odd evidence out there of differing possibilities after death. What's also interesting is the apparent "nothing" before we were even born. Eons upon eons of "time" passing and not even a hint of that do we even comprehend. To us the universe may as well have popped into existence the moment we're conceived. Perhaps it would follow that upon death that instantaneous event would simply repeat at some random point once again. Almost sounds like a conceptually feasible idea of reincarnation doesn't it. Even then there's more layers one could add to it as well.
 

Animekitty

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Trama may be too hard to overcome. It all depends on one's disposition to handle it. I feel like crap all the time, I have low energy levels, I feel sleep-deprived after sleeping the required amount. How do I overcome this? One thing is that I need to do things, take anti-depressants but most of all I need to see the point is doing things. In the back of my mind is a blockage. I feel like no one loves me. Emotional trauma prevents me from unblocking myself. If it could be released then energy would flow in the right areas. It is a self-regulation issue. I hold myself back because I don't expect to be understood, I can't be happy because deep in my brainstem it is stuck and I can't feel anything. I feel numb. Being numb causes depression, low energy, and overall feelings of crappiness not wanting to be able to do anything. Emotional numbness happened because I suppressed my sadness. I did that because I could not do anything about it. No one was there for me to feel sad. I hope to get better but I need to get rid of the numb feelings and feel like others care.
 

Instrident

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I've never found the right word to describe myself. Coward, fool, idiot, average, disappointment, failure, basic, loser, anonymous, never tries enough, never does enough, never eats enough and never sleeps enough. Those are all projections I've come to partially accept. But I don't accept it in the literal sense. That is, I believe I am many of those things in the current mindstate. Doesn't matter how smart I think I am, always will be someone who far surpasses me. It's miserable. IT's sad, it hurts, it's lonely. All the time. All the damn time. Then I remember the days when I never had such thoughts. Such bliss. Euphoria. The only way to achieve anything remotely close, are drugs. I'm so very tired of this. All of it. I have no-one, it's my own damn fault. I care too much. I care too much. What is left but a shadow, as indeed that's all I can glimpse anymore. What is left but hesitancy, doubt, loss of self. What a wonderful world, indeed.
 

EndogenousRebel

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There are studies that show that the more arousal (scientific term) someone experiences when remembering an experience, such as a negative traumatic experience, the less accurate that memory is. It kills me that I feel like I am an exception to this. I think of events leading up to the negative memory and come to the conclusion that I was in complete control and of sound mind when they happen. I wish I could ask people that were around me when I had them, but I don't keep in contact with them. Hopefully I'll see them soon, but I doubt they will remember, everyone kinda just moves on with their own lives.

I learned to stop idealizing/putting the past on a pedestal. The only thing I am in control of is what I do now, and what I do now can change my future to something better. Change is hard, but even the smallest change can make a exponential difference if consistent. We create our own meaning with the commitments we take and resolve to. I am very lucky to have people to share meaning with, I would be a husk of a person without them, only living for myself. That really is the worst thing. With attachments comes the risk of losing them, but having love and losing is better than having nothing, as is well quoted.

We are not always aligned with what is good for us, sometimes we are actively working against what is good for us. People assume they know themselves, but in reality self-awareness is a lifelong skill that decays when not practiced. What could be the thing that you are desensitized, besides your own consciousness?
 

Muteki

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Used to be of a similar mindset once, becoming so submerged in my own past, my own mind, the influences of the world. That cycle of pointlessness and dread bearing it's weight, existential as types like "us" seem to be. I finally began a breakdown of ego against the sheer scathing of self-loathing, and reached a series of epiphanies.

What is the point. That endlessly repeating notion.

For any of it. That I decided to place such value on the past, the opinions of others, even the plainly accepted expectations and standards I was taught to follow from a young age. That I continued to allow such learned, external, and ultimately abstract concepts to dictate my very thoughts. Things so basic and ingrained in the human condition many may never so much as consider how it all truly affects their psyche.

Very little of myself, I realized, was determined by anything other than external experiences and various acquired social constructs. "I" was virtually nothing but a vague concept.

So on what basis, through what lens, should I think or view anything at all.
Could such a thing as objective meaning really exist.

It would be difficult for me to continue my string of thoughts after that with only words. Hopefully I'm artful enough in writing for at least some of the meaning of this odd little piece to get through.

Words on a screen can only mean so much.
 

Animekitty

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Very little of myself, I realized, was determined by anything other than external experiences and various acquired social constructs. "I" was virtually nothing but a vague concept.

So on what basis, through what lens, should I think or view anything at all.
Could such a thing as objective meaning really exist.
Identity is something we can choose to have outside social constructs if we turn inward and generate from within. Meaning is simply balancing, finding the center. Objective meaning is understanding where this center is. Mostly it starts with the interlocutor. The interlocutor set boundaries between the participant being centers of communication and the balance is the center of all centers.

So to find the center is where mean(ing) is. First the center of self then the mitigation with the outside world.
 

Muteki

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It's moreso just sharing the premise of the resolutions I came to in the past, but you seem to get the idea in your way. I think it's a pretty strange and fascinating mental shift after enough inner turmoil, our "dark thoughts". Maybe our 'type' is simply more innately predisposed to it.
 

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Once I isolated the problem I was able to handle it. Work through the trama instead of ignoring it. Feeling the emotional pain and releasing it. Gaining my energy back. Most important; feeling ok a little bit more. Getting back in my center, my core, the brain stem, kundalini. I am getting back into my body and perceptions. Flexibility. I am taking it all in.

Still, I need to go deeper. I'm not going to get there all at once.

I keep my real dark thoughts private because it makes me too vulnerable. They would make me look like a sicko. Damage my reputation. I keep almost everything to myself. But mostly I block them out so my mind is not constantly ruminating on them. I have nightmares not so much of fear but dread. That is where I deal with them. Not consciously but in the dream state.

I am a sensitive person and have high empathy so seeing others harmed is very emotionally damaging to me. Trama gets deep into you. This protects you in an evolutionary sense. Avoid all things similar to what caused this trauma. But what if you are traumatized over and over again. You become numb to it as another defense mechanism. I do not mean acclimated to it where integration makes you handle it. I mean it numb in the sense that you are so desensitized that you can't register new stimuli. To become un-numb you need to release the pain inside and to do that you need to gently reinvigorate the nervous system.

I am not a ruminator of dark thoughts. I ignore them as much as possible but on occasion, they pop up so I have mild PTSD. mostly my anxiety is so bad I can't function. I went to the psych hospital and when I got out I was more traumatized than I went in. Not because they did anything to me but that I was constantly on edge. I did not feel better until 2 weeks ago when I went back on Gabapentin. So I must get my nervous system working again. Flush out all negativity and heal myself. I need to integrate the trauma so that I have a healthy tolerance for what hurt because I was too sensitive.
 

Muteki

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Most people will naturally react negatively to bad experiences, thoughts, emotions etc.
Another ingrained human response, you could say.
Challenging that basic principle instead I think is far more interesting.
Maybe something closer to a "truer" way of thinking.

Finding possible ways to adapt to and/or coalesce that darker side of one's psyche, gaining an element of objectivity and change over it, rather than attempting to evade, hide, or brute force away your inner demons.

Try an existential crisis over it sometime, does wonders for the sanity.
 

Animekitty

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I am always in an existential crisis. I have trouble seeing meaning in things. This is because I lost my purpose after high school. I became a zombie. Like Jesus in the wilderness. I asked questions felt empty inside. Only in 2019 did I begin thinking about evil in me. I have a Christian background and I was looking into occultic principles. Inducing hallucinogenic mental states. Becoming in tune with the forces around me, I just lost it. My rational mind turned off, I was on instinct. But I did think of things. Horrible things.

I confronted them but more just sprang up. My mind just makes up terrible things. That is why I think of other things because there is nothing I can do about them. They just keep coming. I have not come to the root issue. I feel like I am a bad person, a worthless human being. Religious things had to do with his but mostly it came from my mother. She was the best parent she could be but she was developmentally delayed. That means she had the mind of a child and could not have a real parental relationship with me. She is dry boring and dull. I cannot talk to her as an equal and this makes me sad.

I feel I am not loved and so worthless and so the bad thoughts occur. The bad thoughts reinforce my worthlessness so I don't have them. Bt if I can confront the pain of the core issue I can move on.
 
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