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Feeling very depressed about life.

Jared Landon

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I can't seem to get out of this mode of constantly feeling depressed about myself and my life. I don't have any friends. I don't even know how to find friends. I'm a INTP-T and have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm a friendly person but don't feel like I can connect with anyone. I try to stay busy with projects or hang out with family but I want desperately to have a rewarding social life.

I feel like the only people I could ever really connect with are other INTP-T Avoidant type people. I think that anyone else would either judge me and look down on me or just not be able to relate to me or me to them.

Whenever I'm in a social situation, I do my best to be likeable but I feel like I can never really show my true self or open up about myself. I just wish I could find others like me. It's great that this forum exists but I'm not someone is content to have cyber friendships. I want friendships in my actual life.

I don't know how to find anyone. It seems like I've tried everything. I don't see any point in living sometimes. I'm a loner but not because I want to be. I want a life.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Let me just start with, you are worth it, you matter, and you are not alone

Do you believe that the source of your depression is specifically circumstantial or something with your biology? Do you remember a time where things were in a positive outlook?

You long for connection. I can't tell you how many times I used others as a barometer for my own sanity and standing in the world. I would get an intense feeling to socialize, mostly stemming from my insecurity and uncertainty with the world, and when I would get that release I would realize I am right on track if not more advanced in many ways and this feeling would subside. I still miss people and want to catch up, it's just that idea that other people will help you make a more stable model of the world, which can be very helpful soothing.

I'm just going to leave it at this. At least try to improve yourself in some way, don't lose hope and let yourself degenerate and make your situation any worse than it is. Again have that hope that somehow someway you will find what you want. It's honestly a matter of time if you really do try to improve yourself and seek out the relationships you want. I liked Moody's advice in your intro thread, very practical. Anyhow, good will to you
 

Ex-User (14663)

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are you willing to change yourself to fix this problem, or are you considering yourself a static object
 

Jared Landon

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Change myself if what way? I'm not static but I am me and I don't want to be someone else to attract other people. I don't know what to improve. Even though my posts make me sound like I'm constantly moping around looking down at my feet but I'm not. I think I generally have a good, easy going attitude.

Sure I could go to the gym and get buff but I'm not out of shape right now. Not enough to be an eyesore. The only thing is that I'm not outgoing. It seems like everyone else already has friends and doesn't need me. The few times that I've tried to make the first move and invite someone somewhere have failed.

I think that I must appear desperate to other people. I really don't want people to know how lonely and isolate my life has been so I'm pretty apprehensive about letting people know much about me. I really need to trust someone a lot before I can do that.

I wish I could find other people who share my personality traits but I guess we all hide out at home all the time and when we go out we act like we're not like this. I thought maybe I could post personals ads on some websites or use some social apps but that doesn't work. Most people online are just looking for sex or relationships. Knowbody is looking for friendship. So I guess hoping to ever meet anyone I can really relate to is pretty unlikely.
 

EndogenousRebel

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I wish I could find other people who share my personality traits but I guess we all hide out at home all the time and when we go out we act like we're not like this. I thought maybe I could post personals ads on some websites or use some social apps but that doesn't work. Most people online are just looking for sex or relationships. Knowbody is looking for friendship. So I guess hoping to ever meet anyone I can really relate to is pretty unlikely.
I mean this in the most sincere way possible: This is nonsense. Either you double your effort to meet people or you just continue to get more depressed. You are duly undercutting yourself when you say you want to meet and connect with people, but at the same time don't want to let them see you for who you are. Don't align your identity with being lonely, or you will actively seek it out, and others will see your insecurity from a mile away, you enacting a self-fulfilling prophecy and a cycle that leads you straight into the dirt.

Do you feel fear around this? This forum has a history of... Let's say promoting exposure therapy. Do that. Expose yourself to yourself and others, and with time it will become easy. Think of yourself as a scientist, and do not see "negative outcomes" as a failure, but progress. It will take effort, but if you continue as you are, as I've alluded already, you won't have anyone to blame but yourself. You aren't doing yourself any favors. I know changing self-talk can be hard, but you gotta orient yourself in this way. Hell go out and have some beers in a pub or whatever, anything is better than passivity.
 

Jared Landon

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I have tried. I use to be very shy and awkward but I worked on my social skilled and I'm a lot better now. I worked on projecting my best qualities. I went out and socialized and made some friends. But I felt that the friends I made we made with an idealized and incomplete version of myself and who I really am and that my friends wouldn't like the whole me.

A lot of people seem to over value extroverts and under value the introspective and sensitive people of this world. I look around and I only see one of those personalities getting validated. I could go out and meet more people but don't want to make friends with people who I can't bare my soul to.
 

Jared Landon

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I'm all for self improvement but it seems like I have to be someone else to gain anyone's approval. It's like if I grew up in desperate poverty and then won the lottery. I could buy a big house and some expensive clothes but I would never really fit in with people who were born rich.
 

Jared Landon

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By the way, sorry for the typos. I'm write on my phone and not proof reading everything.
 

EndogenousRebel

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I relate to what you say about certain personality types being more valued than others. People want to associate themselves with "cool" people. Really anyone with any sort of charisma or other attractive qualities. Some people say that introverts never become social, but they are adopted by an extravert, and I think this is true in many situations. I think that most people your age are focusing on career and are only preoccupied with connections they already have. Seriously, take up a hobby that is social, bowling, golf, gardening, anything with a reason to connect with others. This is why I liked Moody's recommendations, they seem pretty good for your stage in life. I'm pretty young so we people my age are still setting up our futures and are open to people coming into our lives, if we like them. I don't think you'll find better advice from me on that.
 

peoplesuck

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people bond over flaws, perhaps you are hiding too many of your flaws.
 

Daddy

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So I'm just wondering, but why is it so important to belong? I don't really understand the human need to have other people value them. Most people seem pretty unremarkable and most friends aren't really friends.

Sometimes I think people just like belonging so they can be entertained or distracted from from dealing with the fact that they are by design alone in this world. No matter how many people love them or hang around them, their own experience of the world and even their own deaths are solely theirs, even if shared. It's like those people never form an identity of their own. And I really don't understand seeking and wanting 'that'. Maybe you could shed some light on that for me and perhaps help yourself at the same time. :laugh:
 

peoplesuck

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So I'm just wondering, but why is it so important to belong? I don't really understand the human need to have other people value them. Most people seem pretty unremarkable and most friends aren't really friends.

Sometimes I think people just like belonging so they can be entertained or distracted from from dealing with the fact that they are by design alone in this world. No matter how many people love them or hang around them, their own experience of the world and even their own deaths are solely theirs, even if shared. It's like those people never form an identity of their own. And I really don't understand seeking and wanting 'that'. Maybe you could shed some light on that for me and perhaps help yourself at the same time. :laugh:
I dont understand why you socialize, dont you know you are alone?
are you incapable of developing a personality?

People who are smothered with social interactions can become asocial, meanwhile some people are deprived, and they crave it. Some people have never felt that they belonged, or were ever a part of a group.


why would you have a job, if one day you will be fired or die?
why would you eat if one day you will die anyways?
1582943019025.png
 

Jared Landon

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Well I guess wanting to bond with others and have companionship makes me a bitch. I don't have a personality. I have many interests and a great sense of humour. I just value being able to share that with other people. I think almost everything is more enjoyable when shared.
 

Jared Landon

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You can say "why would you hide who you are from other people" and "people bond over their flaws" but that's not true. Even in this forum, these aspects of my identity are met with redicule and criticism. There is so little compassion in the world. People are always for fucking shitty to one another.
 

peoplesuck

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You can say "why would you hide who you are from other people" and "people bond over their flaws" but that's not true. Even in this forum, these aspects of my identity are met with redicule and criticism. There is so little compassion in the world. People are always for fucking shitty to one another.
people do bond over flaws, but expecting everyone you meet to love you for your flaws, thats just silly.

also my previous comment had nothing to do with you, if you are upset about that.
 

Jared Landon

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I think a lot of people who claim to be happy loners are just coping with their bitter and
 

Jared Landon

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I don't expect everyone to love my flaws but I would like to meet someone who I can be 100% genuine with. I was kinda expecting to at least find someone in my general area looking for the same thing. We live in a world with 7 billion other people. You think that this wouldn't take so long.
 

Jared Landon

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I think that my views on life and love and happiness might be a little too unique. Most people just don't get where I'm coming from. That's why I've learned to just keep myself to myself.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Don't throw out everything Diddy said. 80% of relationships are superficial, the rest is obviously troll seeing as he's distinguishing himself from humanity for some reason. You're looking for something rare, and if you really want it, it'll take time, though I'm sure you'd be happy if you could at least get someone to at least fake caring about you, put in the effort to not hurt your feelings. This is getting too real for me.

Yeah I enjoy being alone, in like 3 day increments, then I need to socialize or I start to go insane, then a day with some odd number of hours socializing and I'm good for another 3 days. At your stage of life, it's beyond me, but people are definitely looking for connections at all stages of life, they just probably, like you said, are spending their time at home or something. They are bound to be somewhere.
 

Daddy

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k, sorry I shared my honest feelings lol. I figured at least asking the question would get Jared to analyze what is bothering him about it all, since this is about him afterall.

/out
 

peoplesuck

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pls come back, I was a bit too aggressive.
am sorry
I have emotional regulation skills of a dildo
 

Elen

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Okay, how about this:

What would you being your true self look like? In other words, what is your true self? Perhaps if we breakdown what it is, in a detailed nitty gritty short of way, that you are afraid people won't like about you then can then learn how to get over it. Face your fears. I guarantee, short of being Hitler, you aren't as dislikable as you think.

Explain some of your ideas and points of view that you think are a little too radical for most people.

I ask because I am friends with an ISTJ, and an anxiety ridden one at that, but I am able to explain my most bizaare ideas to her and she is willing to go down the rabbit hole with me. We have spent 10+ years bonding and this is our relationship now. If I can be friends with her you can find someone who isn't just another INTP and avoidant personality type of person.
 

Jared Landon

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I don't think I'm unlikeable at all. I'm a very kind, open minded, easy going person. I just don't have any desire to have a traditional life. I'm not really focused on building a career or a family.

I don't like the idea of settling into a routine for the rest of my life. I want to try different things in my life. Sometimes that means changing my career or moving to a new place. At the same time, I want close friends that I have very close bonds with. I am a very loyal friend and what that in return.

I identify as bisexual and have often considered polygamy to be an ideal relationship for me. I had a close buddy growing up who I think would have been into that, but he unfortunately died and I've never been able to connect with anyone else like that.

I often fantasize about sharing a girlfriend with a close buddy and living in an unconventional way like on a sailboat or something.
 

onesteptwostep

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Make friends at work? Where are you situated? What are your interests? Try volunteering?
 

EndogenousRebel

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Pirates sharing a wench? What more could an adventurous person ask for? Not my thing, but I won't judge. lol I doubt many people here will be able to help you get that specific fantasy in order, but you def need to step out of your supposed comfort zone for that. You want to make the most out of life while you're here, and I respect that. We are listening, and after that exposure I'm intrigued into how you see and feel about the world. Stick around, and banter on when you have a strong opinion. I see this place as getting a little more stimulation out of the world, and it's almost compulsive at this point. Don't let the past stop/slow you down. You are here now, and you need to make decisions that will make you happy. Who knows you might vibe with people on this forum.
 

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Unfortunately we all live in the real world, where creating bonds is an intricate compromise between expending energy on adapting to other people, and on the other hand expressing our own unique personalities. Every friendship and relationship requires that compromise, and it is especially an important factor when meeting new people. If your uniqueness amounts to traits that prevent people from engaging socially with you, that is obviously something that will drastically reduce the probability of forming any bond, regardless of these are people of your own kind or not.

You’re stuck in this mentality of “I am unique and I want someone to show up and like me for who I am”. You need to refine your model of the world a bit.
 

Jared Landon

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Part of the problem is that my job involves traveling a lot, which is great but I'm not home for long enough periods to get involved in any group activities really. As far as making friends at work, I do go out for dinner and drinks with my workmates but we all live in different parts of the world so we can never hang out when we're home.
 

Jared Landon

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I just don't feel like I can ever meet like minded people. Most people I meet seem to have pretty traditional thoughts and values and every avenue online feels like a dead end.
 

washti

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You want to have friends with whom you will be 100% yourself. How does it look like? How do you accept another person 100%? Have you ever given it to someone?

It sounds like complete phantasmagoria to me.
What you can realistically offer and receive - are different tolerance ranges, depending on personal needs and conditions.
People have difficulty accepting themselves, and you expect to receive 100% from them.

You have admitted that you don't present yourself as you are. Depending on what type of content you not disclose - it can be many things from low self esteem to intuition that sharing this info with someone is bad idea, simple common sense.

I also have the annoying problem with expecting validation (way more than what I see norm is and I do it in hasty forcefull maner). The reality has so far been brutal. Most often, showing me my own selfishness and blindness to the fact that the emotional distance from the other person was - metaphorically speaking - not 5 meters but 50 km. Then I regret so much all this sharing. And I swear to nevermore. Then repeat it after like a year with someone else.

Deep bonds requaire constant cultivation. When people value something together, overcome difficulties, strive for something, share responsibility. In real life.
It is enough that one side begins to have other priorities and the relationship weakens and simply dies.

You have to have a lot in common with someone and both sides must care. Close relationships and their quality - like dreamd true friendship - arise slowly. I would not like to have too trusting friends who require me to give them 100%. It'd mean that they terribly overestimated my listening capacity and energy levels.
 

Rebis

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Don't exotify your friends and you'll have an easier time.
 

Jared Landon

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How am I exotifying anyone? I simply want to find others that have the same general outlook as I do. They don't have to share every one of my interests, just be similar in character and view. I'm not so unique that there aren't others like me somewhere. Humanity isn't that diverse.
 

Rebis

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I don't think you're making a consistent point here. From the other threads it's jumped between vague notions of "I want someone I'm 100% honest with" "I want just one friend who shares the same worldview as me" "I want a polygamous relationship specifically with one friend and their romantic partner" "I want to belong in a group" "I don't want to compromise on who I am". This is a lot to ask.

What outlook do you have? Is it all the opinions I've just listed? If so, that isn't general. All of the opinions I've listed don't have synergy. Humanity is diverse in terms of understanding the world. Very, very diverse. That diversity is increased exponentially when you spent most of your time by yourself, with your own thoughts, furthering your individuality.

You are an entity, separate from the world. So is every other person. Each entity is linked to each other through a relationship, sometimes more than one. This strengthens their bond. There is you, the you that doesn't compromise, then there is the person people think you are, which is your persona- this is your interface in the world. It requires some type of compromise. If you and 1 other person are experiencing reality and you're not compromising on absolutely anything, which means they're facilitating your uncompromising personality by they themselves forfeiting their personality then clearly a friendship isn't going to form. I'm just saying, if you're talking about compromising a lot you value your individuality a lot which isn't great for facilitating friendships. People that distance themselves from others become their own person, and because they're their own person they walk alone. They're not intricately tied into a group of friends because they don't want to compromise.
 

Rebis

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Your idealism is preventing you from making a friend, I'll say no more. Stop thinking about what you have to gain from it in terms of them being a soundboard for you to talk about every little idea that comes into your head.
 

Animekitty

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I have two life goals.

1. come into balance with my Anima
2. have enough money to explore reality

two side goals

1. immortality
2. full-immersion virtual reality
 

Elen

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1. Thank you. I've been trying to articulate some of these ideas for ages and this guy just...does it. Fantastic.

2. Damn it, Rebis! Every time I start to think you're just another forum troll you pull out something like this. :cat:
 

Rebis

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What can I say? I am in-fact not a troll.
 

Jared Landon

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Yes. I guess it's fair to see say I don't really know what I want to how to get what I think I want. I know that great bonds take time to form. I just have no idea how to meet the kinds of people where that potential even exists. I get that, short of cloning myself, I'll never find anyone who is exactly like me. I don't think I need that level of connection. I'm just saying, it would be nice to find someone who was at least on the same page as me. I don't have the social energy to spend time with people if there's a low potential for a real connection. Is that wrong? Should I just go through life being fake? Is that what everyone else is doing?
 

Jared Landon

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I think more than anything, I just want to meet other people who are also struggling. I want to feel like it isn't just me.
 

Elen

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I think more than anything, I just want to meet other people who are also struggling. I want to feel like it isn't just me.
You can assume, by the existence of this entire forum, that's not just you.
 

peoplesuck

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onesteptwostep

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Part of the problem is that my job involves traveling a lot, which is great but I'm not home for long enough periods to get involved in any group activities really. As far as making friends at work, I do go out for dinner and drinks with my workmates but we all live in different parts of the world so we can never hang out when we're home.
What kind of job do you have? Traveling a lot should give you lots of things to talk about.

Generally when meeting new people you shouldn't really expecting anything at all, but keep a cordial manner and be able to banter. Just be interested in the things they talk about, etc.

And tbh traveling a lot should give you plenty of chances to sharpen your social skills actually. It's more of a plus than a detriment.
 

Jared Landon

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I work as an aircraft mechanic. It's a good job but I don't nessessarily feel like I fit in with my colleagues. I feel like a black sheep. I get plenty of practice socializing. Chit chat isn't really my problem. It's getting passed the chit chat and actually talking about deeper things. I've never been able to get there with many people.
 

Jared Landon

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I think it's because everyone else is normal. They all have friends, and typical social experiences and have kids and lead normal lives. I can't really relate to that. I haven't had the typical social life, I haven't had the typical love life/sex life, I don't have kids, etc. That's why I feel like trying to fit in is exhausting. My lack of belonging has made me want to reject society and just live off the grid somewhere but I know I'm not a loner. I love having company and I could never live in total isolation.
 

Jared Landon

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Traveling is one of my favorite things in life and I love talking about it but a lot of my colleagues as surprisingly not that into it and see it as one of the downsides of the job. They all have kids so I guess that's why. They are also very blue collar types whereas I have much more interest in creative pursues.
 

Ex-User (14663)

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you keep repeating this stuff that in order to interact with people you need to be "fake". You gotta realize that if your mind is set and all you can ever believe is that you're too unique to interact with people or whatever, then there is no need wasting time with this stuff – just give up.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you met a copy of yourself, you would not be able to create a bond with that person either. I was thinking similar thoughts back in the day – "if I only meet someone as socially weak and insecure as me, we would get along so well". Doesn't work like that. Such traits manifest their effects more or less uniformly, they don't discriminate.

just recently I somehow got into a conversation about philosophy with someone who never showed any signs of being interested in such things. That came out of me more or less randomly mentioning that I liked a certain book by a certain philosopher. And then boom – we have a common and quite unusual interest. If I were too insecure to share anything about myself beyond normie stuff, and always assuming I'm too unique for everyone, that would never have happened. People residing in prisons of their own insecurities are doomed to be social outsiders.

and also, it is obviously true that some people are more unique than others. If one belongs to such a group, it requires even more self-expression and being less stifled in social interaction, simply because meeting like-minded people is less probable to begin with.
 

Jared Landon

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My biggest problem is that in spite of all my positive traits, I assume that I'm not good enough at anything, or I'm not smart enough or good looking enough or charming enough. I have a major inferiority complex.
 
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