I have always been capable of extreme focus, ever since I was a child.
In my early twenties I started getting severe anxiety and occasional panic attacks, which were like the worst paranoia trips I have ever experienced. I didn't trust that I wouldn't jump out a window, or have a breakdown on the bus on my way to work. Also, paradoxically (as I would normally do anything to avoid people) I wasn't able to be alone in my own company. I was afraid something bad would happen, as if I couldn't trust myself.
So I forced myself to go to work, in spite of being paranoid of having a breakdown in public. Being around people and having the responsibility for their well-being forced me to direct focus elsewhere, and I was thus able to function normally throughout the day.
When I got home, however.....back to hell on earth.
So, in all this torment as to why I was going through this, I had this sudden realisation that I was somehow able to disconnect from anxiety during moments of concentration at work; why wouldn't I be able to do this alone?
I found a book on meditation and started reading some techniques, and decided to employ these techniques as often as possible. I used my ability to focus and was then able to disconnect from the anxiety when being alone, for limited periods of time.
After some weeks of practice, I was able to employ this state of being more or less as a constant; it gradually became second nature and the anxiety faded more and more into the background. It didn't disappear, it just became less dominant, so I was able to override it.
I then decided to push myself even further by starting a regimented fasting regime, in which I meditated for hours every day. During the first week of fasting I got really ill. I had flu symptoms, a fever and I felt nauseous all the time as my immune system was able to kick in and clean up. I was dragging my feet to get to work.
However, after a week I noticed a peculiar change. I suddenly felt energised like I never had before. At work, I noticed I was sharper than usual, and I was filled with this constant sensation of something I can only describe as joy and wonder. My energy seemed limitless. The only problem was I was rapidly losing weight.
I curiously observed this change and decided to see how far I could push it. I ended up fasting for 20 days. I wanted to keep going, but by that time I was forced to stop because I started to look like I had anorexia, and my physical self would probably have started to shut down eventually.
During this time, I had some very intense meditation experiences. I think because my physiological processes were not being interrupted by processes to do with excess nutrient uptake (I was following a fasting regime from a well-known detoxification book written by a nutritionist), I experienced unusual clarity of mind. It was like I had no mental or emotional blockages -- there is no other way to describe it.
During some meditation sessions I would sink into concentration for hours at the time. At many points throughout these sessions I had some mind-boggling experiences. It was like I was seeing the world and the universe through unfiltered lenses. My mind was wide open, and I let every impression come and go on its own accord. What I perceived can only be described as a connection between me and the rest of the world. Actually, to be more precise, there was a sort of obliteration of the idea of
Me; like
I dissolved and merged with all matter, and was thus travelling through all matter and seeing and understanding everything at once. It was like I was granted an understanding that would otherwise be highly inaccessible.
Sorry, but I fail to find words that will reflect what I experienced....this all just sounds so trippy-hippy, new-age like
It changed me, that's all I know. I had acquired a strange calm and a feeling of perfect balance. I would observe the most trivial of objects and find incredible fascination with them because I saw the beauty of systems from an inside perspective; the complexities of all objects became highly conspicuous.
I am still able to retrieve these memories quite vividly, so the experiences stay with me. I have chronic depression, so this has become invaluable during the regular setbacks that I've learnt to live with.
