#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Actually, I feel a lot better now. This could be it fellas

#### Ex-User (14663)

##### Prolific Member
I'm so fucking sick of living in the city it's not even funny

#### dair

##### brackish
The urge to make a dumb Stockholm syndrome joke is almost overwhelming. I bet you hear them all the time.

#### Ex-User (14663)

##### Prolific Member
it's a classic. although I don't live in stockholm anymore, too lazy to change

#### peoplesuck

##### is escaping
*thing comes with instructions*
*looks at instructions*
" I dont subscribe to your religion"

#### moody

##### Well-Known Member
However, I really wish I could shut off my brain right now. Too many thoughts are flowing through my mind followed by pervasive feelings of dread.

What helps me is active meditation. I also can have the problem of my thoughts zooming faster than I can keep up with, and the result makes me feel trapped. So I do something strenuous with other people around (something like a rock climbing, heated yoga, or capoeria) where my personal goal is to push aside all thoughts that invade my mind and replace them with a sensory stimuli.

#### moody

##### Well-Known Member
I'm so fucking sick of living in the city it's not even funny

I can understand.
I grew up in a rural areas, my physical home always at least 20 miles away from my school. Going to university was the first time I lived surrounded by people 24/7. For the first two months I was unfazed, then all of a sudden one night, I had a full-on break down. Luckily didn't happen again...but it always drains me to be surrounded by so much outward noise without any breaks.

#### Ex-User (14663)

##### Prolific Member
@moody yeah the constant noise is slowly but surely grinding my nerves down

edit: that's an understatement btw, they have been ground down already.

like yesterday, two idiots decided to play basketball at 01:30 AM at a basketball court near my building. Due to the acoustics of that whole area I could hear it despite being by no means the closest to the court. I was like moments away from running down there and go totally ballistic. I put in earplugs which meant I couldn't hear it, yet the thought that the noise still existed made me angry af.

#### nanook

##### a scream in a vortex
I literally had a dream once, of being possessed by a dark shadow entity. It was not exactly just a dream, but the experience of possession. Like another entity competing with me for my body, while i was hoping to wake up, physically. And the intuition that in order to access my body again, i have to merge with them or surrender to their control again. I had many similar experiences of exploring various altered egos. Once you get into lucid dreaming, the factory of subjective reality (your brain's mechanics) can crack open and the illusion of separate self gets shattered. After a few years i was so scared of no-self and experiences of folding spacetimefabric shit and moments of atlas complex, these visionary dreams and my lucid dreaming just stopped, except for the occasional goodie, like seeing the cancer grow, predicting hospital treatments, etc.

Last time i talked to anyone, in a manner that involves some of my personality, was 7 months ago, when i visited this social anxiety self help group, that i visit a couple times per year. Didnt wanna go there since then, because one guy, who doesnt belong there, kinda violated my boundaries. He called me on the phone and suggested the possibility, that i might have a second deadly disease, more torturous, essentially parkinsons. Like he was concerned for me and want to help. But i am sure he actually wanted to scare me. Or more unconsciously, he just enjoyed pondering this possibility so much, he had to share the joy with me. I let him know of my suspicion without saying it. Obviously he is not someone with social anxiety.

After that there were only two doctor visits and occasionally i encounter my dad, but we dont really talk because he is bat shit insane. Whole nother level than me, trust me.

I buy food, so occasional eye contact with strangers.

Its normal for me, to be alone for many months at a time, but im beginning to feel a bit crazy these days, especially since i was triggered by the autism meme again.

Also the cirumstances are much worse now, considering my disease and uncertain future. I abandoned my facebook many months ago, because nobody wants to hear about my health situation. I may also have to develop a new survival strategy so its like suddenly i need to know who i am or who want to become, which is of course impossible for me. I still feel like i am not even allowed to be someone. Because i am still possessed by that shadow character. Who kinda represents my father who doesnt think highly of me. Or else I really just dont have what it takes and need to remain a tripping nothing. All i have may be delusions, i am not certain. And corona just fucking tops it off. Since i have a very low immune system.

In mythology, people who hit rock bottom are supposed to just magically know what to do to rise again. Well, pretty sure i hit rock bottom last year. Mother died. My back kinda broke. Wasnt sure if i would be able to escape paralysis, wheel chair life. And nothing. Trying to not loose my mind. Figuring out if i am still capable of getting my head around what other people write. Noticed great difficulty with that, in two or three emails last year. Kinda abandoned a friend, because my brain didnt manage to get around their own insanity. Its a brain gymn that i cant always afford while i have to research cancer treatment. Whoa, did i just made you read all of that? So sorry. I am literally pleased to read my own writing, right now, because i wasn't sure if i am still able to express myself like that.

So this has been shroedingers live for a while now. Not sure if already dead or about to be reborn somehow.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
"A little learning is a dang'rous thing; / Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring."

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I think
However, I really wish I could shut off my brain right now. Too many thoughts are flowing through my mind followed by pervasive feelings of dread.

What helps me is active meditation. I also can have the problem of my thoughts zooming faster than I can keep up with, and the result makes me feel trapped. So I do something strenuous with other people around (something like a rock climbing, heated yoga, or capoeria) where my personal goal is to push aside all thoughts that invade my mind and replace them with a sensory stimuli.

Certainly going to be trying that now. I ran completely out of music, a creative blockade. I think that could be the cause, I think I'll start to watch joe rogan podcasts since they're so long.

#### moody

##### Well-Known Member
It was not exactly just a dream, but the experience of possession. Like another entity competing with me for my body, while i was hoping to wake up, physically. And the intuition that in order to access my body again, i have to merge with them or surrender to their control again. I had many similar experiences of exploring various altered egos.

This is called sleep paralysis. Essentially, it's what happens when your mind wakes up before your body does. Our brains paralyze us as part of our normal sleep cycles, but when something happens to disrupt the sleep cycle, weird things happen.

The inspiration for many a horror, ghost story and alien abduction have been the horrific things we can experience in sleep paralysis.

ike he was concerned for me and want to help. But i am sure he actually wanted to scare me.

Some people get off on feeding off of other's misfortunes, so they can feel like someone with power over them by being a voice of wisdom or guidance. He probably had issues if he pounced on you like that. I've met several individuals with a type of bipolar disorder who do that.

Because i am still possessed by that shadow character. Who kinda represents my father who doesnt think highly of me. Or else I really just dont have what it takes and need to remain a tripping nothing. All i have may be delusions, i am not certain. And corona just fucking tops it off. Since i have a very low immune system.

When we're sleeping, the frontal cortex is asleep, along with all of the rest of parts of our brain that are responsible for organizing information and rational thinking. The more primitive parts of our brain are still awake. This includes the amygdala, which is responsible for our fight-or-flight responses, anxiety, paranoia, etc. This is when if there is something bugging us or something we're anxious about, we have bad dreams. When something is off-setting your normal sleep-cycle and you get into sleep paralysis, the amygdala is the only thing that reacts. Unfortunately, the more you panic, our brains continue to add-on to the awful situation, making it worse and worse. This is why sleep-paralysis hallucinations are so traumatizing; our worst fears and anxieties play out before us, and all we're capable of doing is reacting with fear and panic.

Feel free DM me if there's any information or resources you want. I have a condition where I suffer constantly from sleep disturbances such as sleep paralysis, and researching the heck out of them is what has kept me sane and functioning without it ruining my life. (My condition is also related to the immune system...so if you're looking for answers about these symptoms, I could potentially point you in a helpful direction).

Whoa, did i just made you read all of that? So sorry. I am literally pleased to read my own writing, right now, because i wasn't sure if i am still able to express myself like that

You can't make anyone do anything, don't feel bad. We read of our own free will.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I'm so fucking sick of living in the city it's not even funny

Double Entendre there? Coronavirus and such.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Tomorrow is a new day, I'm making a few changes:

-Exercise 3 times a week at the gym
-Vegetarian diet is becoming flexatarian
- Liking a lot of new pages on Facebook to define myself as a person
-Extension of the point above, watch a lot of culturally relevant TV shows/movies in the last few years. Of course not super normie ones, just call sci-fi/philosophical/action scene stuff.
-Joe Rogan podcast, seems to be a pretty good talking point.
-Lastly, going to class a lot. I realise spending time inside, especially in one room reduces the possibility of unique reference points. There are far less variables in my room and a kitchen than there will be in the outside world. Less building internalised worlds and losing the passage of time.

Getting lost in my head and I have no new stimulus content like music and TV. Stuff of enjoyment. No more anhedonia for me (hopefully).

I call this operation: Socialise myself.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I think a few aspects of becoming social I can't emulate well is taking lots of selfoes, especially with friends, and messaging people daily

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

#### Elen

##### Cold and damp
I think a few aspects of becoming social I can't emulate well is taking lots of selfoes, especially with friends, and messaging people daily

*shudder* If that is socializing I'd rather just die, thanks.

Of course not super normie ones, just call sci-fi/philosophical/action scene stuff.

I don't know what you consider normie but you might like The Expanse. It mixes a number of narratives (The Hero's Journey, Noir Detective, Future Collapse, Political Thriller, and so on) into a whole. I kinda hate the main character (Holden) but there are loads of side characters to appreciate. More interesting is the world itself. And it manages to keep fairly scientifically accurate considering it is a futuristic space kinda show.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
The expanse has been watched, it was pretty good.

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I think the best way I could model my life is to have a routine where I'm doing multiple things a day. Not a strict adherence but one that involved switching out tasks. So coffee with someone, light reading, schoolwork, gym, shopping, visit people.

I think computers are a good interface for coming up with thoughts but ultimately you have no spatial memory involved with looking at a screen as you would seeing a person, climbing a mountain, looking at a tall building on a train. There are few reference points that remind you that you're living if you experience the world through the same device like a TV monitor.

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Bleak, foggy weather as usual.

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

#### peoplesuck

##### is escaping
Ive never ridden on a train, I wish we had trains here... seems like a wonderful way to space out and watch the scenery, thinking about life.

working with my landlord today, he is a sketch artist, and not the type that draws people.
<.<
>.>
if I never return, send memes.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I always use public transport (or my feet/bicycle). If I didn't have trains I wouldn't know what to do, buses are horrible contraptions: Or rather, the roads which they go over are full of potholes. I get mild-moderate transportation sickness on buses.

working with my landlord today, he is a sketch artist, and not the type that draws people.
<.<
>.>
if I never return, send memes.

Don't just an artist by his sketch!

#### Ex-User (14663)

##### Prolific Member
@Rebis classic UK weather and atmosphere. I kinda miss it actually

It’s refreshing to always have water splashed in one’s face

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
@Rebis classic UK weather and atmosphere. I kinda miss it actually

It’s refreshing to always have water splashed in one’s face

#### Ex-User (14663)

##### Prolific Member
@Rebis classic UK weather and atmosphere. I kinda miss it actually

It’s refreshing to always have water splashed in one’s face

It’s usually painfully cold and then we get something similar to a UK winter during spring/autumn, and then we get a summer lasting about 2 weeks, often with intense, unbearable heat.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I'm actually pretty fond of snow: I would prefer it to dull, dreary weather. I'd trade weather to get snow, I feel the cold sharpens my senses and the snow is at least colourful.

#### Elen

##### Cold and damp
Try shovelling it twice a day for 6 months. It's a ton of white bullshit after a while.

#### a_ghost_from_your_past

##### Ujames1978Eternally
"Why not the other way around?"

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
My recent pick-up line:
Are you single? Cuz I can double that.

Give me a "Yes" if you like
a "No" if you dislike

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
I had this crazy dream last night where I knew what time it was, I had a body clock going in my mind. The clock went from 1:24 to 1:25 and I woke up, checked the time and it was 1:25am. I slept around 11:30. It felt like deja vu, I had already experienced waking up and checking the time. I messaged someone to which they responded as I went to bed but when I woke up their response was gone.

Did I dream that I had deja vu, or did I experience deja-vu in my dream? There's a subtle difference.

The clock inside my head looked like a neon-blue clock you'd see in some 80s cyber-influenced movie: 01:24.... 01:25

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
This professor which I think dislikes me (not entirely baseless, I don't think he likes my attitude.) is holding a research position for Deep Learning research internship over the summer. I'm going to apply but if he somehow finds out what I look like before, or I don't absolutely destroy the interview then I'm done for.

A terrible tale. The project that I'm actually interested in and he's the supervisor. God damn.

I like and loathe these moments, the surrealism of it. Out of all the teachers and all the research positions I find myself at the mercy of him. Why do these surreal moments keep happening?

#### peoplesuck

##### is escaping
This professor which I think dislikes me (not entirely baseless, I don't think he likes my attitude.) is holding a research position for Deep Learning research internship over the summer. I'm going to apply but if he somehow finds out what I look like before, or I don't absolutely destroy the interview then I'm done for.

A terrible tale. The project that I'm actually interested in and he's the supervisor. God damn.

I like and loathe these moments, the surrealism of it. Out of all the teachers and all the research positions I find myself at the mercy of him. Why do these surreal moments keep happening?
my calculous teacher hated me, he would deduct 90% of the points from a problem if I didnt show my work exactly how he wanted, even if my answer was right. I feel your pain, but at the least, it isnt an english teacher, because then you really are fucked.
my teacher failed over half my class btw...

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
my calculous teacher hated me, he would deduct 90% of the points from a problem if I didnt show my work exactly how he wanted, even if my answer was right. I feel your pain, but at the least, it isnt an english teacher, because then you really are fucked.
my teacher failed over half my class btw...

It sucks man.

By the way, random note: I tend to not reply to you as much as others and it's mainly because I feel I'm a lot closer to you than others. Do you feel me, brah? Yeah, english markings would cause me to do a suicidus.

#### Rebis

##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend
We say we enjoy life by ourselves but ultimately when we hit the bed and we can't sleep all we can think of is "I'm alone, by myself."

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

#### peoplesuck

##### is escaping
We say we enjoy life by ourselves but ultimately when we hit the bed and we can't sleep all we can think of is "I'm alone, by myself."

Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk
I usually wonder if I could make a squirrel suit, and if it could be done with cheap supplies, and if you could escape the police with a squirrel suit.
sometimes im sad when alone, but most of the time, I wonder about random things.
I bet my life I could make a squirrel suit for 30$shit I bet I could make one out of an old trench coat and some thread #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend I'm drunk as a blunderbuss. Do you know how intoxicated a blunderbuss is? I don't. #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend A 45 minute nap to recover myself for the second phase of drinking. Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend Oh. My. God. A girl walked me all tbe way homr, only for me to reject here in a way. I can't explain retarded this is. Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk #### EndogenousRebel ##### We're all trying our best. Aren't we? Are you even a whole person rn? #### nanook ##### a scream in a vortex my sister is religious, monotheist, verry active in her church community. and although this ideology is just a superficial symtpom of how she has been generally raised as a puppet and executioner of my fathers patriarchal value system, its what's most overtly getting between us, which pains me, because i was once close to her, as a child. now i am all rebel and she is all empire. that's the main reason why i can't shut up about this subject. #### peoplesuck ##### is escaping I watched a video about drag queens. to think, so many people gave their lives for the things we have... and how many people are struggling....and the majority of people want to fight about men reading books to children, dressed as a woman on her wedding day, wearing clown makeup. and now ive joined in *honks in sadness* im cheering for corona-chan. anyways, I rented seikiro, so im back to that... #### peoplesuck ##### is escaping does anyone else ever find themselves doing this: you tell a person a thing, anticipate a terrible counter argument, give the counter argument, to the terrible counter argument you think they are about to make. afterwards, feel exhausted and no longer like the person you were talking to, simply because you anticipated them being annoying, and having to expend energy to prevent them from annoying you. other people do this too right #### peoplesuck ##### is escaping If I were fat enough, I would make a "how to conceal and carry, in America", and the entire video would be hiding guns in different fat roll locations. #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend Flatmates were drinking last night and asked me what i'd be doing tonight (It's st patricks day), I said I'd be staying in. Now there's a house party happening in my kitchen. Basically, bypassed their opportunity to invite me out and now it's awkward, I just want to cook food. I feel like they've put me in a box of being unsocial when that isn't the case, but I have to play that role now because I'm going into a kitchen which is a party squat making food. Now I feel like a little autistic introvert hiding in my room. I usually wait for people to invite me, but I think a lot of people don't operate like that. It's complicated, it's like a point system. I went to a lot of house parties when I was younger and there was always a guy or 2 in their room. They'd come down for food and such and I would try to gauge how I'd talk to them, it is their home after all. Anyways, I always thought the flatmate didn't like others, and that could be the case, but maybe they are coming to that conclusion. #### EndogenousRebel ##### We're all trying our best. Aren't we? @Rebis Don't make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Logically you want food. You go on your journey to get food, any sidetracking is up to you. Here it's manners to at least greet each other, it would be weird if you just come in the mix and come out without saying anything and not interacting. Everyone just thinking like "Should I say something?" "Shouldn't he say something?" Chances are they will blame you for it *any discomfort they may feel. If you really don't approve of flatmates or visitors, I guess you wouldn't say anything, but even then, no one can hate on a guy who seemed friendly. #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend . #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend . #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend . #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend . #### Rebis ##### Blessed are the hearts that can bend . #### crippli ##### disturbed Fuck this dude I'm kept inbetween having many friends to not having many. I'd do phenomenonally if I didn't have to deal with retards. I am just so aggravated because they think they're class and resilient but they do the most retarded actions ever. When i was a student i lived without shower. I used one at the school. I had about 10$ for food each week. This went on for maybe 10-15years. To get driunk I brought similar situation friends along. We got into the pub and stole all bears that was left alone.

Nothing lasts. Things will change. That is the one thing you can be sure of.