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What's the mature way to deal with the INTP "need to be needed"?

INTPness

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I've seen multiple sources mention how INTPs have a "need to be needed", especially in the context of a relationship. While it's perfectly normal to have the need to feel valued or that your work/presence is meaningful/helpful to others, etc, it is unhealthy when:
  • You seek to address this need while severely lacking in self-worth, self-value, self-esteem, etc. In other words, there is no appropriate substitute for fundamental self-love.
  • It takes too high precedence over other needs and makes you feel inadequate/incomplete when you don't have it.
My question: Is the need to be needed just an illusory need that diminishes with maturity?

My reasons for wondering:
  • As an adult, you find that trying to make friends who need you is kind of a doomed project. If they really need you then it's an unequal relationship that you're likely to be too emotionally invested in, or you're doing it just to feel good because you lack your own passions and are trying to live through someone else, or because you're insecure and helping someone else makes you feel better about yourself. There are all sorts of things that could be wrong, but it always seems like it can be tied to feeling that you lack something within yourself.
  • In a relationship, your partner can certainly make you feel needed, but is that to say that if your partner becomes more more capable and independent, you might feel bad or undervalued or threatened even though good things are happening to your partner? There are times when you have to put aside this need for their benefit.
  • Even as a parent, your kids will not need you forever, and you're not meant to live through them. Once your kids leave home you will inevitably have to deal with the loss of not being needed anymore.
  • Suppose you're looking to be needed through work. Either you try to become irreplaceable, which can lead you to constantly try to prove your worth through external measures/validation (potentially unhealthy) or you have a profession where you have an important influence on other people's lives (e.g., teaching, therapy), where trying to prove your value can also be counterproductive.
I guess the way I'd summarize my concern is that feeling that you're needed has little to do how much you are actually needed or benefit other people. In my opinion, they are often competing concerns. For example, I could help 100 people as a teacher and feel really good about it and take pride in their growth, or I could help 10000 people by simply donating to charity and not feel the impact of my contribution at any significant emotional level. Perhaps it's a bit like happiness; you can fulfill the need by focusing on something else (but what exactly?) but it will never be fulfilled if you focus on it.
 

ZenRaiden

One atom of me
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As INTP I am schizoid and I dont care for relationships. Sex is OK and relationships are burden. I think of keeping practical low maintenence relationships with no romantic connotations or any other ideas.

I view relationships in three stages.
First stage is sex, second stage is partnership and third statge is reproduction.
 

Pizzabeak

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It should take like 3 months or 3 years for you to get to know someone well enough
 

Ex-User (14663)

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I don't think anything about a person changes unless rigorous self-analysis and active steps are taken towards certain goals. Most people never even reach the first step, let alone actually fix whatever issues they are aware of.
 

QuickTwist

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I don't think anything about a person changes unless rigorous self-analysis and active steps are taken towards certain goals. Most people never even reach the first step, let alone actually fix whatever issues they are aware of.
I think most of the "problems" we have pretty much remain the same throughout life, but I would say it's more about what we do that is good rather than what we do that is bad. The goal, I guess, is to have more Good things that you do then bad things.
 
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