Social Energy

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

I'm posting this because I want to attempt to describe the lack of sociability I experience most of the time. Its kind of like each person has different types of energies and being social is something that doesn't come easy to me. Kind of like a type of energy I have a deficiency of. If my social energy level was that of my sexual energy level I would be extremely social. Unfortunately it takes me time to get used to my environment and feel comfortable around a group of people and most of the time if you can't make something happen within the first week or 2 of a new environment such as school, chances are nothing will happen/people will just get weirded out when you try to act different than their first impression. I'm not a conversation starter. I don't mind being in conversations but I just am horrible at breaking the ice so to speak. Every time I participate in a conversation it seems like I'm jumping into the conversation and have no meaningful input or someone else will jump in and almost instantly seem to find/have something in common with the person/people and everything I say after that point becomes irrelevant. I don't even know why I try to stay in conversations after this point, its like its a waste of breath to even say anything. Mostly this happens more with females. I suppose it human instinct to wanna "cockblock" the other males so to speak but its fuckin annoying when I am so easily outspoken yet am a borderline genius. Its okay though, while the rest are struggling to get that B or a C I will get my A or B with barely any effort. Too bad good grades don't get more.

I suppose being 92-100% introverted doesn't help much. According to multiple tests I've taken I almost always get 100% My only somewhat balanced trait is my F/P which is probably why I have a lot of empathy but can rarely articulate or act on it. probably about 80-90% Intuitive and Perceptive, I can be somewhat judgemental but my empathy and intuition give me a better understanding that a lot of people don't have as much control of themselves as me. (except with alcohol/certain other substances, I am just a retard on high amounts of alcohol and I don't think anyone would drink that much if they were like me and self-aware of how much worse off they were on that level of drunkenness.............thanks asperger's) I wish I could just drink and socialize and get to know ladies like most E types have no trouble with.

I know that was a lot of rambling.

To sum up the whole point of this: I have no social energy most of the time and when I feel I can perform adequately in a social environment the opportunity isn't there.


oh wait....there's more

Its like too little too late, or there will be nowhere in particular I have a reason to be at so I feel awkward going to places I don't feel I belong at and whatever social energy I have gets negated. I'll use my first class of the semester today as an example. All kinds of nice looking girls that I would love to talk to, a couple even looked like they wanted me to talk to them. Even a couple guys that seemed pretty cool. But I had nothing. I have all kinds of energy lately. My perception is awesome, my thinking might be very scatter-brained but basically my mind is stuck on overdrive all the time. My dreams are a lot more intense when I am actually able to sleep which isn't often without some kind of depressant. Its too bad none of this converts to the social energy I need to actually make a connection to another human being. Preferably female, but I could definitely benefit from having a friend of either sex. I just can't be sexual with guys, its not for me. That just seems way too easy and besides, I have my own male hardware to play with, that's plenty for me. I don't get females very often but at least I fuckin appreciate it when I do. Even mindless sex or even just a nice friend based-nonsexual relationship would be nice but my demands are too high. I would love desperately to get over this 3 year dry spell I've been having. My 26 year old body is constantly reminding me what I'm not getting but without the social energy I will get nothing.. I want the all night type of thing not just some quick mindless thing. Tough to do when you live at home with parents in a small house and everyone is pretty busy with whatever lives they have. I know its only day 1 of classes so far and I am being a bit hard on myself but at the current rate based on trends I've noticed I better pull some sociability from somewhere quick or this is gonna be another horribly lonely semester to spend so much time around so many hotties.

enough random rambling, hopefully this is somewhat coherent as my thoughts are very jumpy but fixated on only a few things right now. as though you couldn't tell.

 

[Cogwulf]

That sounds a lot like me, especially about the alcohol. A bit of it loosens me up, but when I'm drinking with other people (very rarely) I'm afraid I'll drink too much and say things I'll very much regret later

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

Its really bad when you say stuff and other people regret it the next day
I do enjoy the control I have on low amounts of alcohol and pot. If I could do that on a regular basis and be able to smoke quality stuff that and not just that regular shwagg crap that everyone sells I could possibly make some progress. I won't even mention other stuff I feel could really help me out because of legalities, I already feel wierd enough talking so openly about pot. Its like I smoke the crap just because its all I can get, it feels like basically breathing in stale air and holding my breath for as long as possible because its the only air I can breathe, even if it is dirty. beats being angry and sober and restless though. But I want something clean that will enhance my thinking that much more. Some pot just makes me feel dumb, but the good stuff always makes me feel super smart. My friends say I sound a lot more scientific about shit when I'm high. Maybe they just wanted to fuck with my head tho, who knows? Then again they aren't scientists. I do know I score a good 10%+ higher T on the T/F spectrum on personality tests when I'm high. 52% vs. 63% T. I think I have a much stronger F now thanks to a couple panic attacks I had over the years. I spend a lot of my time/thoughts/efforts combating this negative mental state that grips me. Drove me to drink/smoke. I refuse to believe in those magic pills the legal drug dealers push(prescribe) Even most extracted drugs legal or illegal seem wrong to me. There are a few exceptions *cough*lsd and opiates*cough*, all others should stay natural*cough* Its like creating an imbalanced equation. THC can make people psychotic in too large doses by itself, but with all the other canibinoids and other chemicals in the pot plant for example it balances out the psychotic/paranoid feeling, that's why i think some types make people more paranoid than others. Imbalanced grow techniques. Cocaine to take another example is an extract of a very nutritious leaf that would not give 10% of the high people get addicted to in addition to providing essential amino acids and supposedly has more calcium than milk. Also good for combating altitude sickness. I have not experienced this for myself but if I were to ever do cocaine it would be a nice cup of tea or chewing some leaves. I would love to try this natural form someday. None of that black market extract 1-sided high for me. I don't like making my throat/brain go numb. I don't see myself ever having to suck on something that I'd be gagging on so no coke for me....maybe that's why females seem to like it better than males. I tried cocaine once and it was fucking awful, probably was poor quality but still, I don't see what the appeal is other than possibly being able to be a closet user easier than most other drugs. Much more of an ESxx drug IMHO. Sorry didn't mean to make this a drug related topic, I really don't do any of them as I like to be legal and I don't wanna fuck up my chances of getting through school. Just wish people had more of an appreciation for natural balance and plant medicines and tools instead of having to make addicting extracts that get banned and illegalized. switching rails again here...

Wish I had been researching the personality stuff when I was 16-18. Oh well, better late than never is what I always say.

 

[Cogwulf]

Wish I had been researching the personality stuff when I was 16-18. Oh well, better late than never is what I always say.

I feel lucky I've learned about my personality now, but I wish I'd discovered it a couple of years ago too, I'd spent the past few years thinking I must have personality disorders that were causing all my problems

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

I can look back now and I can tell I was very much like asperger's when I was a kid. I only understood things literally and didn't understand sarcasm till I was at least 10, sometimes when I get way too drunk I lose some of that ability and I become a lot more gullible and that's no fun unless you are everyone else
​

 

[Kuu]

I agree on everything. Except the drugs (can't seem to get my hands on them, though I'm sure they're plenty around here, just need to know the right people...) and the 3 year dry spell. More like 22 *mutters incoherent curses under his breath*


I have so much intellectual, creative and sexual energy restless under the surface, yet few if any outlets for it. And life demands the one that I don't have: social energy.



Your long rambling posts make me laugh. Get it out!

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

I agree on everything. Except the drugs (can't seem to get my hands on them, though I'm sure they're plenty around here, just need to know the right people...)

Yeah, I would not recommend actively seeking any out as the market is very shady. Like anywhere else at least 75% of people are just out there for money and could care less whats in their "product." I am an advocate for drug freedom in case you couldn't tell. The harm reduction would far outweigh the amount of people that use. There could easily be dedicated places to do these things, most of the reason most drugs were illegalized in the first place was because of racist reasons combined with the temperance movement in the early 1900s. I suppose then the cartel leaders would lose their valuable cash crops and then all the shady middlemen and corrupt government scum also loses out on money too. I'm not a drug person really but I feel like I'm supposed to be able to do things for my mind chemically and having moral/legal restrictions really creates a lot of problems for the more delicate mindstates. It's easy to condemn something that makes some people go crazy when you demonize it, know next to nothing about it, and don't properly teach people the pros and cons and realize some are meant to use and some aren't. Everything works different for some people. Sobriety and substance-free works great for some people and all the more power to them. Some people like me are so introverted that an alternate mindstate is almost necessary to make change and transformation happen. I feel like my freedom is largely restricted because of the 15/16th century demonization of all things that were not acceptable by the church of that time that still goes on today.

I'm glad that my posts aren't all complete crap. not sure about this one but I already went through the trouble of typing it

 

[Beat Mango]

What you need is a good extroverted wingman, ENTP preferably. You'll get laid.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

What you need is a good extroverted wingman, ENTP preferably. You'll get laid.

The only ENTP I know, a childhood friend, has turned out to be gay. I'm not sure if this makes him a better or a worse wingman.... lol

 

[Latro]

I can look back now and I can tell I was very much like asperger's when I was a kid. I only understood things literally and didn't understand sarcasm till I was at least 10, sometimes when I get way too drunk I lose some of that ability and I become a lot more gullible and that's no fun unless you are everyone else
​

Just from what you've said, I'm not necessarily seeing Asperger's but quite likely something else:
Wikipedia article for NLD
NLD on the web
NLD line
I have this, or at least was diagnosed with it as a kid. (I'm considerably better now than I was as a kid, but still pretty bad about these things.) A lot of what you've said rings true with my experiences (though I can't say anything about alcohol or pot, having never used either).

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

What you need is a good extroverted wingman, ENTP preferably. You'll get laid.

sure would be nice lol, most people I've ever known seems to be out there for themself and I've gotten stuck in the 2 for you none for me type situation before, more than once. Best wingman I ever had was a female friend of mine in high school I haven't had many female friends that are friends with other single females after that, its like if I get a recommendation from a friend that gets me in so to speak. So hard to get a damn recommendation anymore lol...I suppose most females are beyond that high school level of interaction, if I can't be a man and do it all myself I get nothing I guess. It pisses me off to think that there's people out there that hook their friends up and stuff. It was nice the 2 times that happened for me but those were just temporary situations.