Can Someone Give Me Some Insight?

[TheatricRaconteur]

Hello,

OMG this is going to be a long post but if this is an INTP forum so I'm sure you guys will enjoy picking at and analyzing my psyche.

How I feel at the moment:
-depressed, but hopeful for the future
-worthless, but trying to build my self confidence with baby steps
-demotivated, but making myself do things by being impulsive so that my over-analyzing doesn't make me conclude that everything is futile

As a child I always wondered why my thoughts and ideas were always so unconventional compared to others. Also, I think that there may have been a time where I felt close to my family but it is nowhere near now. I have always been distancing myself from others, even people who I label as "friends". Well anyway, I was afraid that I would turn out to be a psychopathic mass murderer but then I figured out on the internet that I was an INTP so that made me feel better. But also, as I have figured out through the years, I am a female. So this combination means I am screwed for life and I hope I do not need to explain why.

I recently dropped out of university because I was seriously unable to continue without going insane. I was an industrial design major btw. I have always done well in school without really trying much. All I had to do was study a few minutes before a test and I would be fine. You know, typical INTP genius. But after university started I got this ridiculous professor who gave us an unrealistic amount of things to do in a short period of time. The whole class was freaking out, not just me btw. I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep. Eventually, I realized that this was stupid and I didn't wanna do it any more so I dropped out of all of my classes (they were all classes for my specific major).

So now that I am back home, guess what my parents do? Instead of giving me some counseling they all tease me saying that I will eventually quit my next major as well. As an INTP I value myself highly around my intelligence so it hurts but at the same time I'm like "FUCK YOU!"..........but not out loud of course. I even have family members from other parts of the world telling me the same thing. It really helps to know that my family cares enough about me to spread gossip and talk shit to me.

Also, I don't know why this stands out to me so much because I usually have no awareness of my surroundings, but I absolutely hate the way my room is set up. I share a room with my sister, so the 2 beds that we have take up most of the space. I want to do so many things to my room to make it seem more spacious and organized but I have no power in my house. This is because my parents think that I am "belligerent", due to the fact that I always point out everybody's shortcomings and mistakes. In my point, I believe that I am just being helpful but everybody takes it as me just being critical and narcissistic. They don't realize that I am equally critical of myself as well. I guess I am not very good at expressing myself.


The only thing that is saving me from becoming a mass murderer right now is the internet, which lets me zone everything out and learn random facts about the world, etc., and my job.


My question is, what can I do to help myself get out of this state? I am always crying or getting into arguments with my parents. I freak out about how powerless I am in my home. I don't have a driver's license yet, which means I am stuck in the suburbs. There is nothing here but trees...... I just need someone to talk to because I have no friends. The only friend that I had betrayed me and I just don't want anything to do with her.

 

[Fukyo]

Ok so... maybe you could start by addressing some of the underlying narcissism first, not think of yourself as an unrecognized genius, address your shortcomings and not use "INTP" as justification for character flaws, and assertion of other supposed positives, like being a genius...

 

[TheatricRaconteur]

Lol I was trying to be funny, I don't think I am a genius....yet. But, at the same time I think there are instances where I place myself above others. I think that I do it because I find other people to be led by emotions too much and I am not comfortable with that. Sometimes I find myself to be kind of jealous of those people.

 

[DetachedRetina]

Yeah... unfortunately I have found that nobody simply believes me when I assert that I'm freaking awesome. You could be a genius but people will still always judge based on results (and perhaps to a lesser extent how you present yourself in conversations etc.)

I have also found that with a huge ego (I have one too) it is really difficult to put any effort into things or to listen to other people for fear that I will actually fail, or that what they are saying is actually true and that they don't just misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that's the case but if they really are misunderstanding you, it is your job to prove that to them. Some people will listen and try to help, while others are difficult to deal with without becoming a mass murderer.

I can't really imagine being a female INTP, that would probably suck even more than being a male INTP since we're at least somewhat excused by society for being "closed off."

Anyways, welcome to the forum. Do you have any more specific things you want advice on or just kind of want to vent?

 

[DetachedRetina]

Sometimes I find myself to be kind of jealous of those people.

I wrote my previous post before I saw this. I totally agree.

 

[Beholder]

I would suggest you just get out and start a new life somewhere.

 

[TheatricRaconteur]

Yeah... unfortunately I have found that nobody simply believes me when I assert that I'm freaking awesome. You could be a genius but people will still always judge based on results (and perhaps to a lesser extent how you present yourself in conversations etc.)

I have also found that with a huge ego (I have one too) it is really difficult to put any effort into things or to listen to other people for fear that I will actually fail, or that what they are saying is actually true and that they don't just misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that's the case but if they really are misunderstanding you, it is your job to prove that to them. Some people will listen and try to help, while others are difficult to deal with without becoming a mass murderer.

I can't really imagine being a female INTP, that would probably suck even more than being a male INTP since we're at least somewhat excused by society for being "closed off."

Anyways, welcome to the forum. Do you have any more specific things you want advice on or just kind of want to vent?

I think a little bit of both actually. I am just tired of fighting myself and my family. The remarks that they always make about me quitting and that all always be a failure are just hard to deal with sometimes and it turns me into an emotional wreck. I don't like to blame things on being an INTP. It's just my nature. Also, I am glad that there are other people like me.

I posted on this forum because I am tired of being alone. I like to have someone who can listen to me without bias and tell me how it is, you know? I had a friend for almost 12 years but this past summer I figured out who she really was and I just find it awkward to deal with her and I have already removed her from my personal "friends" list in my head.

If you are curious about what happened I will say that I was texting her and I was advising her that she shouldn't be close friends with her because she was dangerous and I gave her a lot of examples and descriptions of why. So, instead of shrugging me off or ignoring me or whatever, she decided to ruin our friendship and forward all of those messages to her. I see both of these girls like once or twice a month and it is just awkward and stupid. The one person I trusted just threw me under the bus. Right now I am my only best friend. It also leads me to be a little bit self-destructive though.

 

[TheatricRaconteur]

I would suggest you just get out and start a new life somewhere.

Oh how I wish I could! When I was in my dorm life was awesome besides the fact that my classes were so demanding and I had to leave lol.

 

[DetachedRetina]

The one person I trusted just threw me under the bus.

That is really shitty. Hard to trust after that. Especially for someone who isn't naturally inclined to wear their heart on their sleeve.

You probably have more control of your situation than you realize though. I think you really need to try to get away even if that doesn't mean literally moving to another city or something. It sounds like pretty much everyone in your life is driving you crazy (family ex-friends etc.) So I would say go get some new people in your life! Go out and join a club or something as stupid as that sounds. Call an old friend you haven't talked to in a while.

I think a lot of us have experienced a time like this, where we and pretty much everyone around us is tired of who we are (or who we are presenting to the world at least) Time to reinvent.

Anyways... for now be whoever you want here. Be a genius. You are amongst many of them

That whole post sounded pedagogical and bombastic. Sorry about that. This is just my opinion. I also don't want to sound like "We've all been there, you are experiencing something entirely un-unique." I didn't mean it like that.

 

[Sanctum]

what i would suggest to you is to try your best to grin and bare it. Try to let your intoversion dominate and focus on yourself do what you need to get dont and ignore others opinions and critisism unless you feel it will benefit you in some way. As far as the room thing goes i understand if my room is not orderly i cant and wont function properly, so as far as thats concerned find another room in which you can properly function and carry out your task such as a den or something. I too use to be umotivated and such be then i started to embrace the more INTJ part of me (i get INTJ 40% of the time when i take the test) i set goals for myself and carried them out. First things first you needd to get back into school qnd find a new major or try your old one again.

 

[ElvenVeil]

Interesting thread , though becoming a mass murderer just seems a bit silly to me..

to answer the question, there were a few things that struck me: It seems right that it is a huge problem for you that you do not have any friends. I can hardly call myself an expert on the matter, but finding some way to increase social contact seem like a good idea. Education seems like a good way to meet people

you can also consider dong some sort of physical activity? I am not very fond of doing sports, but it's good for you body to do some outside activity and get some more d-vitamins.. That might affect your mood in a positive manner.

Now the first two suggestions obviously seem fine to me (we are humans and we all have some pretty basic needs), but what struck me is that you highlight that you don't study much but just read a for a few hours before an exam. I guess many of us here can do that and have done that, but I don't think it is very impressive or rewarding.. And that leads to the last suggestion, which is that you should find something worthwhile to spend your life on. It is simply rewarding to specialize in something. That can be many things, such as architecture, mathematics or physics etc. Whatever that appeals the most to you.

Edit: you might also just tell your parents how you feel (though mass murderer seems tactful to leave out) and address the issue of how you communicate in a mature manner.