Fear of Intimacy?

[Reality is Optional]

Sowelu Fear of Intimacy?
Hello other INTPs. More recently than not, I have discovered that I have a severe fear of intimacy. All the time, I have conversations in my head about things I WISH I could say or admit, but never, ever do or would. I cannot name one close friend I've ever had, only really good aquatinces who I never talk about my "feelings" to. (There's other stuff too, which I'm not going to go into, because I think a fear of intimacy is self-explainatory).

There is an ENTP I know who has let this, along with other issues they have, get the best of them, and is leading a really crummy life right now. (To put it bluntly). I don't want to live that type of life. I tell myself that there isn't anyone around me I'd want to "connect" with anyway, but I don't know if that's actually true, or if I'm just making excuses for myself because I want to stay in my nice little box.

At first I thought this was an INTP or introvert thing; then I realized that I may actually have a problem, because no one else I knew or have talked to who are introverts oR INTPs were as emotionally reclusive as I am.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else here has a fear of intimacy, a friend who has it, etc., and if they have any advice about getting past it.
(And I know I should really "see a professional" about this, but I am really just not ready for that).

Thank you for any advice!

P.S., this is the most I've ever opened up about this and I'm not going to proof read it because I will get nervous and just take the whole thing down so sorry for the horrible grammar, lack of organization, and other errors.

 

[Sinny91]

Hello & Welcome (again)

Resources:

Attachment Style's.
http://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/

Enneagram:
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works/

A system such as MBTI is based on (as far as I know) Informational Processing Styles. You will want to look beyond MBTI for coping strategies and defence mechanisms which may be causing your discomfort.

I have a fear of intimacy if the intimacy is making me emotionally vunerable. I have thus far not managed to get past that..

It would be useful here to explore further which aspects of intimacy make you uncomfortbale. Physical? emotional? both?

Hopefully the links help you a bit.

 

[Reality is Optional]

Thank you! I've checked out the first link so far, and it seems to be very helpful.

 

[Happy]

Although you say you're not ready to see a professional, they're going to give you more of an insight than a forum of generally emotionally detached people. It's one of those things that seems daunting, but you realise once you do it that it's really not that big a deal. I'd recommend you balls up and pursue it - really, what have you got to lose? It's just asking a couple of questions and getting a response from someone who knows a lot more about it than you (and probably anyone within your circles of acquaintances). Don't think of it as anything more than that, because it really isn't. I speak from experience.

IMO theres nothing abnormal about a fear of intimacy, particularly when feeling is your inferior function, but it can be unhealthy and should not go unchecked.

BTW, you haven't really given us much to go on...

 

[LOLZ9000]

Have you given some thought to what exactly you are afraid/ashamed of showing to others? Specifically?

 

[PaulMaster]

Sowelu Fear of Intimacy?
Hello other INTPs. More recently than not, I have discovered that I have a severe fear of intimacy. All the time, I have conversations in my head about things I WISH I could say or admit, but never, ever do or would. I cannot name one close friend I've ever had, only really good aquatinces who I never talk about my "feelings" to. (There's other stuff too, which I'm not going to go into, because I think a fear of intimacy is self-explainatory).

There is an ENTP I know who has let this, along with other issues they have, get the best of them, and is leading a really crummy life right now. (To put it bluntly). I don't want to live that type of life. I tell myself that there isn't anyone around me I'd want to "connect" with anyway, but I don't know if that's actually true, or if I'm just making excuses for myself because I want to stay in my nice little box.

At first I thought this was an INTP or introvert thing; then I realized that I may actually have a problem, because no one else I knew or have talked to who are introverts oR INTPs were as emotionally reclusive as I am.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else here has a fear of intimacy, a friend who has it, etc., and if they have any advice about getting past it.
(And I know I should really "see a professional" about this, but I am really just not ready for that).

Thank you for any advice!

P.S., this is the most I've ever opened up about this and I'm not going to proof read it because I will get nervous and just take the whole thing down so sorry for the horrible grammar, lack of organization, and other errors.

I'm like this. I have never let anyone get close. There are a couple of people - literally two people: my parents - that I trust enough with my life or with my kids lives, but I still dont really open up to them. I shared a couple of things with my mom once because she was sorta digging, but they were just below the surface. Nothing really real. In fact, in recent years since becoming more self aware regarding this (and other things) I've consciously avoided opening up in countless situations.

While I'm aware of this, I dont much care, to be honest. I prefer it this way. I dont really have any desire to "connect" with someone - a soul mate or some shit. Forget all that noise. The only situation I see this presenting any kind of problem is with my kids. They're little now, but parenting/teaching moments will surface where opening up will be the right move. I dont expect this to be a problem. They've proven to be exceptions to every "rule" I've ever had and I expect I'll be able to open up with them just fine. Its an instinct thing. A mammal thing.

I've only ever given this "fear of intimacy" passing thought. Usually I attribute it to being risk averse, if you will. I dont invest so I dont lose. Of course, I dont win either. The saying its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all may be true.

 

[Reality is Optional]

Have you given some thought to what exactly you are afraid/ashamed of showing to others? Specifically?

Not really, since, ironically, I'm a very open person when it comes to information about myself. If someone asks me a question, I'll answer. It's when it comes down to having to do with them as more than an acquaintance that I tend to just start to shut down and avoid said person until they leave me alone.

 

[LOLZ9000]

Seems like there must be an underlying cause for this kind of avoiding behavior. If you don't want to spend some time thinking about the reasons why, you might be helped by seeing a shrink to talk things through with. Most insurance will cover a good part of the cost and it can be really helpful.

That is, unless you are totally okay with the current state of things and don't want them to change.

 

[Yellow]

At first, I thought you meant physical intimacy, and my reaction as "pssh, no.."

But yes. I am not good at the talky-kind of intimacy. Ironic, being a counselor, but I have never been good at "opening up". I'm pretty good at seeming open, though, if that counts. I'm just now getting around to brief intimate conversations with my SO of 5 years.

I'm afraid I'd just end up faking openness in therapy too. I'm closer to "ready" than ever before, but not there yet. If you're ready, though, you should try it before you change your mind.

 

[Brontosaurie]

I tell myself that there isn't anyone around me I'd want to "connect" with anyway, but I don't know if that's actually true, or if I'm just making excuses for myself because I want to stay in my nice little box.

It isn't true.

But you know that already.

I'm afraid I'd just end up faking openness in therapy too.

Haha i know the feeling or should i say "feeling" he he

 

[PaulMaster]

You know, OP, forums are anonymous. You could spill your beans here. Or make a new name on here or some other forum. If you feel like you have to get some shit off your chest, it could be like a confessional but you wouldn't risk anything.

This could be a good idea for a thread...

 

[Reality is Optional]

You know, OP, forums are anonymous. You could spill your beans here. Or make a new name on here or some other forum. If you feel like you have to get some shit off your chest, it could be like a confessional but you wouldn't risk anything.

This could be a good idea for a thread...

That would be a good idea. But "spilling beans" requires effort, and I'm a very lazy person.

 

[bajazet]

I don't see exactly why you feel sad for not having close friend. Friends don't appear as we come to earth. We chose them. As we choose our spouses. If you don't have right now that's because you decided not to chose any of them which brings us to your mind's conclusion.

Conclusion a is your mind sees them as non related objects. None of them is capable of accompany your daily path.
Conclusion b is your mind sees itself as a unity. It believes that it doesn't need any accompaniment. It is self sufficient in every way. It despises any other alive existence.

If it is a, you are very healthy. If it is b and you see yourself as a genius, you are not. It's unhealthy.

Even zarathustra waits for a human existence. He complains to the sun for gods sake. Do we see him mad? Unhealthy? Lunatic? No. We see genius.

 

[Jennywocky]

You know, OP, forums are anonymous. You could spill your beans here. Or make a new name on here or some other forum. If you feel like you have to get some shit off your chest, it could be like a confessional but you wouldn't risk anything.

This could be a good idea for a thread...

It would be a confessional, but would that be intimacy? Revelation to strangers with no risk?

You might as well just scribble it all down in a book somewhere that only you will see, and forgo involving others at all.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Hi.

That is good you are trying to reach out, even if on the internet.

I am a weirdo that actually craves to interact with the most avoidant people, I get a rise out of it. Something about knowing that someone trusts me above all others really gives me something I evidently like. However, I am usually frustrated in this for obvious reasons: those most avoidant folks tend to avoid. Or they reach out and pull back in this difficult game of peekaboo; now you see me, now you don't!

Anyway, all this to say that for every person and her issues, there is another person who digs you just the way you are. So take a chance and LIVE! Trust someone to begin sharing with. Even if that person is an anonymous forum.

Best~