INTJ Harassment: how the heck do I deal with it?

[Reality is Optional]

There's this INTJ (I'm an INTP) who has been pretty much harassing me for a little over a year. It's a competitive situation, all under the table, and a phycological type of harassing, so I can't really do anything about it. I will also put it out there that I am better than them at what we are competing about which makes them extra irritating. Lately they have been crossing a lot of lines, and it's really starting to get to me. While I don't want to stoop to their level, I don't know what to do. Any words of advice on how to deal with this INTJ?

 

[Cavallier]

Interesting. Is this competition taking place at work or in your personal life? That will determine how you handle this.

For what it's worth I find that refusing to engage works well against an INTJ. It is tiring for an introvert to take social initiative and not giving them any help shuts them down pretty quickly.

I shut down an INTJ pretty often at work with a "that's nice". Then I just ignore them. She's big on one-upmanship. I just don't give her anything to one-up.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

Ask him we he is acting like a "little bitch" in a very blunt manner. That may get the point across.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

I had a similar relationship in my physics class a couple years ago with a friend who tests as INTJ. We were frequently paired up for group assignments and would often argue and compete quite a bit. Overall it remained relatively cordial because we both respected each other as far as physics goes and were used to butting heads at that point (we argued a lot in regards to more personal topics the year or so before then, and it got heated at times). An outsider might think we were fighting for real, as we tend to use a lot of "what the fuck are you talking about? You're fucking stupid" but it actually really helped us both be productive and correct (neither of us wanted to be the one that screwed up).

At times he'd seem to take that tension between us pretty seriously and would sometimes act on it when I saw him around. Sometimes it was as innocuous as just being kind of cold in conversation and other times he'd say and do things that seemed like he was actively trying to attack me. During that time, I didn't really have much to do about it besides try and ignore it and if he directly tried to confront me then I'd snap back and we'd argue (looking back, I kind of miss when it was relatively acceptable (almost expected) to be an argumentative cunt. High School was a truly... actually fuck it, high school sucked).

He and I never really resolved our differences until the next year when we had English together (neither of us really cared about that subject) and we'd just fuck around with our teacher (who seemed to care as little as we did). After that we were a couple regular old pals. Chums, even.

Anyway, that was a lot of unnecessary information but I already wrote it all out so I guess I'll keep it. Advice; If you can't get distance from the thing you guys are competing at (which I assume is a school/work thing and therefore hard/impossible to do avoid him while doing it) then try and ignore whatever he's doing that's bothering you. If he does something to actively sabotage you or crosses a line in any overtly inappropriate way, then I'd just be honest with him (or her, I guess. You weren't gender specific) about what he's doing that's bothering you and try and hash it out with direct, honest conversation.

 

[Hadoblado]

I used to have a similar situation with someone I believe to fit the INTJ profile. Essentially, I played passive for all the small points, and then went they started pushing too far at something I knew I had more experience with/understanding of, I'd bait them a little into committing, then publicly absolutely fucking murder them. Now it's at the point that if I take them to the point of looking at the axioms, they will say they no longer care, because they're only after quick wins.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I tried something a bit different with one. I simply gave them all the authority over me, they cared a lot to think they were right and to show it, so I made them feel proud and powerful and even asked them for help while trying to show I am a bit disorganised and inexperienced. (Imagine a clever follower of the scientist, one that understands every word they say and wants to learn all the secrets, while posing no threat to the authority) That's what I wanted to make them feel in our relationship.

I sought improvement and the conflict with them would be hindering, instead I made them score all the points and feel good while I could peacefully ignore them, I didn't care about how much they appreciate what I really know or can do, which was surprising at times.

This works if being seen as competent is unimportant to your goal. Denying information about your capabilities and strenghts is a good strategy overall.

 

[viche]

There's this INTJ (I'm an INTP) who has been pretty much harassing me for a little over a year. It's a competitive situation, all under the table, and a phycological type of harassing, so I can't really do anything about it. I will also put it out there that I am better than them at what we are competing about which makes them extra irritating. Lately they have been crossing a lot of lines, and it's really starting to get to me. While I don't want to stoop to their level, I don't know what to do. Any words of advice on how to deal with this INTJ?

The weak point of INTJ psyche is their feeling functions, Fi/Fe. Poking them in this spot is usually irritating. This can be done by giving them personal, relationship, and social feedback - pointing out when the INTJ is being rude and boorish, when he's managed to repulse people away from him, asking him why he's so bitter and resentful, etc. Basically they are most susceptible to personal moral (you're a bad person) and social (you were so rude) criticisms. It jams their "machinery".

You might also want to read through the quasi-identity link: INTP relationship types. INTP and INTJ are in what's called quasi-identical relations, which are characterized by undervaluing each other's intelligence and continuous minor quarrels. Not the best relation.

 

[Oddity]

The weak point of INTJ psyche is their feeling functions, Fi/Fe.

But they don't really "have" Fe (unless you count it as their 7th function or where-ever it would fit, but it would still be an unconscious function or something). They don't really notice it or value it in any way, generally speaking. I don't think any criticism about Fe in particular would phase them.

You might also want to read through the quasi-identity link: INTP relationship types. INTP and INTJ are in what's called quasi-identical relations, which are characterized by undervaluing each other's intelligence and continuous minor quarrels. Not the best relation.

Ain't that the damn truth.

I think the linked page about quasi-identical relations (http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/content.php/108-Quasi-Identical-Relations) makes it sound like INTPs and INTJs get along much better than they do. But it's not about those 2 types, it's about quasi-identical relations in general.

Very true though:

A positive aspect of these relations is that Quasi-Identical partners do not underline your weak points and therefore are not viewed as dangerous by each other. Neither do they see each other as equal. Each partner sees the other as less capable than themselves, hence less talented.

In these relations partners always have difficulty understanding each other in full. Quasi-Identical partners always need to convert each other's information in such a way that it corresponds with their own understanding. This conversion requires much energy and does not bring the desired satisfaction. Books written by your Quasi-Identical are impossible to read. The creations of your Quasi-Identical look monstrous. Conversations with your Quasi-Identical, although not heavy, do not bring any satisfaction either. One partner may think that the other partner complicates simple things and simplifies the important points, trying to deliberately confuse and mislead them. Both partners are convinced that whatever their partner was trying to say, could be explained in a different and more understandable way.

Quasi-Identicals normally have no difficulties in finding topics for conversation or discussion. When it comes to solving problems together, Quasi-Identical partners begin to understand that they are both thinking in very different ways. Soon Quasi-Identicals may start regretting the time that they have spent together, believing that it was just wasted time.

 

[DrSketchpad]

The core of the INTJ's power is the ego!

Drain the ego and the INTJ is nothing...

 

[Missfortune]

I agree with Cavalier. Ignoring works nicely.

 

[StevenM]

Figure out what he is after, and starve him of it. If he wants a negative reaction out of you, then give him none/neutral/positive.

Remember that you are an intellectual, and this is a psychological game of chess. Being quiet and listening to verbal/nonverbal cues is one of your greatest pieces. Analyzing and thinking can deliver a good punch where it is needed.

Our weakness is our huge effort to contain and hide our emotions. The less you try, the more you do.

If he steps over your boundaries once, he's going to do it again with more force. Be prepared to nip it in the bud, and be persistent.

I'm not sure about this book I've heard of, it's called "Verbal Judo". I think it is used by police and security to basically neutralize violence with words alone. Might be interesting to check out.

 

[Cherry Cola]

I feel like you could've given a more detailed description of the situation :O

Hard to give any advice beyond ignore the INTJ or confront the INTJ, don't do something in between.

 

[BrainVessel]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ4bEaSSm_0

Just show them this video and they'll be reduced to tears as their faults are displayed gloriously before them. They'll either be humbled or really mad.
Probably really mad.