The Agony of Knowing But Not Being

[TBerg]

As we go about in our lives, we have knowledge over what would make life so much better. We know what feelings would establish rapport with other people, we know what actions would solve problems, we know what would make everyone happy if certain phenomena were manifested.

But there is an unavoidable problem. Whatever we might want, is agonizingly devoid of potential. Every step towards what we desire makes us stumble. Every trail taken is destined to show an obstacle that we are too weak to overcome. Every hill climbed leads to a crag from which we fall and see what could have been our destination but what is now out of our power to reach.

When we look back on our journey, we see every time our callouses become harder and thicker. Our heart seems evermore less capable of opening itself and bleeding out a donation for others. There must be a way, but the heart does not want to bleed forever on behalf of others.

Whenever we look back upon the trees we fell, we see a wasteland of unnecessary effort. We tried to build log cabins, but they are unsuitable for habitation. The one in which we live only appeals to our sensibilities, which we do not hold in common with others. The ones we tried to sell continue to bear for-sale signs. Our hard work seems invalid.

Others seem to have a preternatural ability to become seized by their own talent and share with others something that resonates. The building is up to code. The hill is heavily populated. And the obstacle is well-worn. We see those things, but we cannot find our own path to those locations. We have had enough of bushwhacking and trailblazing, which have seemed to give us nothing but cuts and bloody blisters. A malaise has overtaken us. Why does every whack seem so pointless? Why can we find no energy to continue? We see where we could be, but it flailing about with gleeful abandon has lost all of its charm.

 

[Yellow]

This has gone so long without response, I don't want you to feel ignored.

I feel this way too from time to time. In both our cases, compassion fatigue might be an issue. In reality, most obstacles can be overcome, and most endeavors end in victory. The problem then builds when haunted by (or feel unable to escape) the few unavoidable failures we witness/face.

 

[Tannhauser]

Either you believe in your own failure, or you believe in your eventual success. Doing difficult shit requires belief – and a vision.

 

[Pyropyro]

Seconding Tannhauser. Just endure and fight for what you think is right. I prefer to look at the obstacles in my life as boss fights. They might have huge HP and are intimidating but they can still be killed.

My passion is to help researchers be all that they can be even if my country ignores them. My first case was to help a biologist get a patent for his invention. It took me eight years to finally see to it that he got a patent.

Another researcher that I have the honor to interview took twenty years to get her tech to the market.

 

[TBerg]

You guys bring me encouraging words. Thank you for the welcome support. This place provides a wonderful platform on which to rest.

I think that Yellow is definitely right about the compassion fatigue. Seeing my friends and family suffer all the time really makes me inured to a whole lot of life. It has been a great great while since I have really found joy for myself, but I find pockets of refuge from time to time. I struggle to find a place for myself in this world, and I am disjointed in my relations with others as a result of thinking that I must defend my facade of dignity. It really would settle me once I find a source of good independent income. I keep trying, but it definitely wears upon the soul.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Being extra aware of suffering around you doesn't help either.

Our society claims to appreciate and promote a sensitive male disposition. But does it? No. It doesn't, and it can't, because that wouldn't be society. This will always be the hardest life. A life on all sorts of fringes, categorically, by definition. Just remember that your destiny is amazing and profound unlike most others.

 

[TBerg]

Yeah, understanding that reality is really the underpinning of a lot of my reversion to reactionary politics. I refuse to channel my frailty into the transformation of society into something less stable and less robust.

 

[PaulMaster]

The hill is heavily populated.

For a very long time I struggled with what I believe this is saying. I've been aware of this hill since elementary school. I've been aware that I dont exactly fit on this hill for nearly as long. Most of my life I believed this was a problem. And, out of habit, there are still times I fall into this thinking.

I've gradually allowed this to cease being an issue. Let the extroverts have their hill. Let them praise it as loudly as they can (they dont think about what they say, its the saying they value). They're not wrong. Its a great hill! For them. One thing that escapes seemingly everyone is that there are more hills. Luckily, I've found the one I do belong on. In fact, there are countless hills in the vicinity that are great to climb and run around on.