Why do strangers touch me?!?!?

[Cavallier]

I work in a customer service job and therefore work closely with complete strangers a lot. I often run into people who feel the need to reach out and touch me in order to get their point across. Usually it's older women and sometimes older men. I've even had complete strangers try to hug me out of joy because I've found something there were looking for.

Today I had a lady who wanted to grab my arm in order to make me understand how important her request was. I took a small step backward every time she tried to touch me. By the end of our exchange we had managed to crab walk our way across the room before she finally stopped trying to grab me.

Does this happen to any of you?
How to do you deal with unwanted touching?
Last, how do you politely deflect hugs from strangers? I would LOVE to know how to fend off grateful old ladies.

 

[grEEEn]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

I was talking about this with a couple of actresses today while preparing for a scene in a movie about mormon vampire hunters - the 2 ladies were playing mormon mother and daughter. We were talking about how when you're raised in that type of a family, you get used to all of the physical contact. It becomes integrated into who you are, and you go around touching people and being friendly and warm and super personal. I was still thinking, real people don't do that! But maybe that's why they're on camera, and I'm standing beside the camera man holding the mic

Unfortunatly, I didn't ask the ladies how to get out of being touched. I am very successful at avoiding hand shakes and stuff by ALWAYS having something in my hand. Even something unimportant like an object that I intend to throw into the trash eventually. A clutch purse. A coffee cup. My cell phone. When I'm at work, I almost always have a big, sharp, serated knife in my hand

When it's unavoidable that there is going to be a hand shake or some sort of physical contact, I put on my disdain face. That usually keeps the contact short, a quick "hello" instead of one of those 2 people holding hands and inquiring about business and touching your arm with the free hand kind of hand shakes. Yuck. I work in a kitchen, and still men in their suits from whatever company they represent think it's ok to touch my hand. Um, I'm working with food, go away. Ugh.

 

[Beat Mango]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

You should get a t-shirt saying "Caution: hot, do not touch". But really, are you easy on the eye?

 

[Ombat]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

People don't usually touch me because I have a cold, icy stare, not unlike that of an angry house cat.

I don't mind being touched at all by people I like. I'm usually the one touching them. I like hugs. *not a rapist*

I do believe that being touched by strangers would make me feel extremely uncomforable, though.

For arm touching: Maybe try to turn into them, kind of, so if you're being touched on your left arm, turn your right side towards them. Or start to walk quickly in any direction like you're doing/looking for something.

For unwanted hugs, a scenario could possibly play out like this:

Stranger: Thank you so much I LOVE YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN! *starts to open arms*
You: *Put hands quickly on their shoulders, thus forcing their arms back to their sides* *firm squeeze* You're welcome, sir/miss *eye contact and warm smile*

I don't know, it could theoretically work. It's worth a shot.

 

[Ashenstar]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

I know what you mean. It's horrible. My boss even made it mandatory to greet every single client by shaking their hand. That would about 40-50 handshakes a day for me. I refused.
Usually when people who shouldn't be touching me try to...I just kinda... let them do the touching so they feel good or whatever, but I basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly and then start breathing again when the person is done.

I have no idea how to stop it from happening in the first place. I wish I did.

 

[Cavallier]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

Um, I'm working with food, go away. Ugh.

That worked well back when I worked in a restaurant. Sadly, my job now pretty much requires I shake people's hands.

You should get a t-shirt saying "Caution: hot, do not touch". But really, are you easy on the eye?

Well, good looking enough I suppose: Red hair, dark blue eyes, medium weight, and with all the right curves in the right places. But mostly it's just old people who touch me...now you have me worrying about dirty old men...

Thank you so much I LOVE YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN! *starts to open arms*
You: *Put hands quickly on their shoulders, thus forcing their arms back to their sides* *firm squeeze* You're welcome, sir/miss *eye contact and warm smile*

I usually try to block with a handshake when I see a hug coming on...I may try this too.

Usually when people who shouldn't be touching me try to...I just kinda... let them do the touching so they feel good or whatever, but I basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly and then start breathing again when the person is done.

And scream rape?

 

[sheepie]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

I'm going on a trip at the end of the year with some people from school and flew to a city about hour away to have a get to know you session yesterday and one of the girls whom went also hugged me on a number of occasions, held my hand more than once, had her arm over my shoulder and was leaning on me on various occassions throughout the day.

First time she did it I almost jumped out of my skin, it was very unexpected, but I like to be as polite as I can so I let her because she is nice and means well and mainly because its for the better; I'm going to spend almost a month (in Nepal of all places) with her so its kind of necessary to keep her on side, It didn't make me feel any better about it though.

My point is that it's your job to allow these friendly elderly people to touch you (I mean its customer service), I'm sure that If you hated your job enough you could get work elsewhere.

 

[Claverhouse]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

Eat lots of garlic.



Claverhouse

 

[Anthile]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

Eat lots of garlic.



Claverhouse

But that doesn't help when the other person eats garlic as well.

 

[Claverhouse]

And They Called Him Anti-Social !

But that doesn't help when the other person eats garlic as well.

Really ? I should have thought it equivalent to two nuclear warheads colliding in mid-air: still bad news for those below...


Not that I don't love garlic for myself.



In which case I can relate as an allegory a popular English folk-tale about the late eccentric Gerald, Lord Berners. It may be as well to explain that in the olden days, ignoring the immediate aftermath of Britain's Glorious Invention of Steam Trains when the poorer classes of travellers were carried standing in open cattle-trucks, train carriages were first divided into completely sealed compartments; until a corridor was added linking the coaches for sudden egress, lavatorial privileges, and enabling the guard to come around and check you possessed the right ticket.

Either way, having company for a five hour journey really doesn't appeal to any introvert. Berners' solution was to find a compartment early and alone; sit by the window, comb his hair over his eyes, smile widely and enticingly, and to beckon with his finger at the milling passengers on the platform as they passed. By this means he ensured not a single person ever entered to disturb his peace.



Claverhouse

 

[grEEEn]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

I'm pretty sure tht eating a lot of garlic will only help to keep vampires away.

 

[NoID10ts]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

No touchy. NO TOUCHY!!!!

I hate it when people touch me and I work in a Middle School so getting caught in the halls at bell time is like being trapped in a sea of idiotic, disease infested, juvenile delinquent humanity. It's hell on earth I tells ya.

We have a lady gym teacher who is fairly butch and insists on punching me repeatedly on my upper arm when we talk. It makes me want to make some fast move to the side and twist her arm behind her and snap her bones like twigs. But I don't do that because I'm pretty sure she can kick my ass.

And we have a smelly teacher that doesn't like bathing who is a close talker so it forces me to hold my breath for conversations so that for my part, when I speak to her, it must seem like I have just toked up on a joint and am trying to hold it all in.

And we have a coordinator who is fond of the high five, goddammit. I hate fucking high fives.

And I know an old Vietnam vet guy who likes to talk to me by putting his arm around me. His breathe smells like cigarettes and year old coffee.

What the hell is wrong with people?

NO TOUCHY DA NODDY!!!!

 

[Kidege]

I just had to get used to it. Latin country, it happens. It still disconcerts me sometimes, though. I don't do high fives (I blink instead), and I pretend not to notice someone touched me if I wasn't expecting it.

A few years a go I had an intercultural communication class and I mentioned I didn't like to be touched. When the class was over and everybody said goodbye it was with the standard kiss on the cheek. But then this guy looked at me, and said "oh, you don't like to be touched", and he backed off like 3 ft with his arms spread. Talk about subtle. I mean, I don't like to be touched but that felt like I was a bomb or something.

 

[Cogwulf]

Handshakes don't bother me, but anything else unnerves me to say the least, my last boss used to walk up behind me then and put his hand on my shoulder, I started listening for him all the time so I could turn around before he had a chance but it's quite hard to hear that well in a noisy test lab.

 

[Ashenstar]

Handshakes don't bother me, but anything else unnerves me to say the least, my last boss used to walk up behind me then and put his hand on my shoulder, I started listening for him all the time so I could turn around before he had a chance but it's quite hard to hear that well in a noisy test lab.

I hate the hand on the shoulder nonsense. Hate it. Is there a stronger word for hate? Despise it? To me it's a very passive-agressive move that is meant to silently let me know the other person is in control or dominates over me. I knew someone who would use the hand on shoulder for that purpose and then give a painful squeeze to reinforce their authority when I was a child. I think it's just stuck to mean that even if it's not supposed to.

 

[Claverhouse]

Emitting a high-pitched squeal whenever touched yields good results, I'm told.






Otherwise, screaming out: "NO TOUCHING ! NO TOUCHING !" as themed in Arrested Development may help.



Claverhouse

 

[Yellow]

I don't know why strangers are so touchy. I usually flinch when a person touches me, and that just makes them insist on touching me again to prove they aren't attacking me. But they are! they are attacking my personal bubble and its sooo not cool. With students it gets even worse. They boy children can be trained to 'pound it' (you know, that colliding of the fists used as a high-five substitute) as a positive physical expression, but the girl children cannot figure out that hugs are only nice if both people are willing to participate. I agree though, old people are the worst. 'Hey sweetie, how are you?' *hugs me even though we aren't even on a first name basis*.

The random arm and shoulder touches and 'let me just get that hair for you' are a lesser form of the evil that comes with waist touches, hair touches, elbow grabbing/steering, and the-person-sits-on-the-floor-and-latches-onto-your-leg-thing (I don't know why, but its happened to me... twice) from complete strangers. I don't see how this is socially acceptable behavior! Maybe the whole world is consuming small doses of E on a regular basis (it might explain some of the stupid as well). I mean I know I'm not the expert on what people are supposed to do in social settings with strangers, but cannot see how other types of people can enjoy this any more than we do. I have been waiting for someone to invent an invisible 'personal space' bubble with a little remote (mine would be switched to 'on' every moment I am out of the house) so I can know I am protected from being touched by others.

 

[Cogwulf]

I have been waiting for someone to invent an invisible 'personal space' bubble with a little remote (mine would be switched to 'on' every moment I am out of the house) so I can know I am protected from being touched by others.

What about a jacket that can give anyone who touches you an electric shock?
http://www.coolest-gadgets.com/20070302/electrifying-defensive-jacket-for-girls/

 

[Yellow]

That'll do!

 

[Ombat]

Re: Why do stangers touch me?!?!?

...who is a close talker...

I don't mind high fives or anything like that, but close talking should be punishable by 35 years in prison. I can hear you without having to feel your body heat. Also, I'm on the shorter side, 5'3'', so the closer people get to me, the more I feel like I'm being shoved into the ground.

 

[severus]

@Close talkers,
I just step back, somewhat obnoxiously. Sucks when they don't take the hint though. Or if they DO take the hint and then get all pissed off about it.

...walk up behind me then and put his hand on my shoulder...

Ahh!!!! That would traumatize me.

Yeah, not good with touching. Handshakes aren't too bad, unless they're really drawn out. Anything else though ... :shudders:

 

[Cavallier]

A agree about the shoulder touch and the close talkers...ick. When someone puts their hand on my shoulder I pointedly shrug their hand off and step out of the "personal space" zone. I top it all off with the look. Bosses hate that but they usually never do it again to me. As for the close talkers...I just step away from them. I'll often look for an object that is convenient to put between me and the other person.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

I may bit backward in this, but I'm far more likely to shrug off physical contact with someone I know well vs someone I hardly know or who I've deemed emotionally delicate. In a sense I trust that they will not take the gesture to heart and feel hurt. Thus I can act more honestly around such individuals, even if I'm physically more distant.

While I'm not generally partial to it, I have gotten used to physical contact. For a lot of people it is reassuring, and I have little reason to deny it since it no longer really bothers me. Of course that completely changes if the other party is unhygienic.

 

[Enne]

I work in a customer service job and therefore work closely with complete strangers a lot. I often run into people who feel the need to reach out and touch me in order to get their point across. Usually it's older women and sometimes older men. I've even had complete strangers try to hug me out of joy because I've found something there were looking for.

Today I had a lady who wanted to grab my arm in order to make me understand how important her request was. I took a small step backward every time she tried to touch me. By the end of our exchange we had managed to crab walk our way across the room before she finally stopped trying to grab me.

Does this happen to any of you?
How to do you deal with unwanted touching?
Last, how do you politely deflect hugs from strangers? I would LOVE to know how to fend off grateful old ladies.

Why don't you just make yourself less irresistible. :/

 

[Cavallier]

Why don't you just make yourself less irresistible. :/

Ha! That's it! No. More. Bathing.

 

[Sapphire Harp]

I assume I'm pretty close to the norm on this issue - if it's someone I like / enjoy / respect, then being touched just fine and usually welcome... If it's someone I don't like, don't enjoy, or don't respect, then I cannot stand it... Usually I find it degrading if I'm somehow coerced through it... (Excepting the handshake.... that's fine - whatever.)

I remember once someone I particularly didn't care for... we were shaking hands on the last day we were going to have contact (parting ways) and he tried to turn it into a hug... I don't remember exactly how it went, but I moved in sync, keeping our arms directly between us as an unyielding spacer... It was a moment of "this close - and NO closer." It definitely surprised him, but he didn't say anything and I don't think I lost anything for drawing a line in the sand there... That 'hug' would have been extremely unacceptable.

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Thinking about how to get strangers to stop touching you... (aside from a generally dour and unfriendly demeanor, I mean ) If you're lost for options, I expect you'd be pretty successful if you command the offending person to stop, but you have to hit the right commanding tone of voice... It's one of those pavlovian impulses most of us have and it'll stop most people from whatever they're doing if they think it's directed at them. I don't imagine it would really need to be loud, either...

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~ "What gives you the right to touch me?" ~

Honestly, the whole issue is one of those things... I think it's definitely a right - the desire to not be touched by strangers... The handshake, perhaps, is a necessary compromise with evil, but anything more is simply not.

Most people do what they, themselves, are comfortable accepting... (or perhaps, simply whatever they want to do...) but I don't think it's fair for them to dictate boundaries... Frankly, the norms ought to begin with the most conservative on the issue... If it were up to the most liberal schmoozers to define boundaries - that would be greatly unsettling...
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[echoplex]

*shrug* I'm pretty tall, and I suspect (ok, kinda know) that people tend to be afraid of me (despite being a teddy bear....ok maybe that's too far), so it's rare that people do anything other than go for a handshake, which I have no problem with. The exception might be flirting females which, depending on things, might be enjoyable so long as it's not accompanied by annoying small-talk....or, you know, about 500 other annoying things people can do.

Actually, scratch that. If I don't know them well enough to feel that I like them, it's always annoying. That is unless I initiated it, but such is rare.

 

[Cavallier]

@sapphire: Thank you for bringing up the "rights" side of this issue. I agree that it's my right not allow people to touch me if I feel uncomfortable with it.

<---I decided it's time for a little steel.