The pain of existing...

[Kudryavka]

Not sure if this is a "Feeler" problem and therefore irrelevant to the majority of people on this forum, but do you ever find it incredibly unjust and tragic that you were forced to exist?

Every once in awhile I get depressed about the fact that I was born against my will into a world full of suffering, for seemingly no reason other than the fact that my parents wanted the novelty of "a child" that shared their DNA. They didn't want me, and they couldn't have known what I would be like in order to want me; they just wanted a being to fill the role of "child" and I was what they got. They could have adopted a suffering orphan or something, but I guess biological imperative overruled what I tend to view as the more noble choice.

I was raised in a religious atmosphere which meant being challenged with the idea of "eternally existing" from a pretty young age. I wouldn't call myself an atheist currently, but I'm a skeptic in general (stems from the typical INFP worry) and have explored the idea of the cessation of existence too. I find that both the idea that I might exist forever, and the idea that I might cease to exist entirely, are absolutely terrifying to me. The notion that my (or anyone's) decisions in this life could cause me (or anyone) an eternity of suffering makes me wish that I was never born. Alternately, the idea that we've all been forced to exist and continue to want to keep existing per biological imperative of survival, and have all this time we bought by operating according to said biological imperative to sit and think about how one day we will go through the pain of ceasing to exist, also makes me wish I was never born in the first place.

Either way I look at it, I feel trapped, and often without anybody to turn to for comfort in the trap, since the first thing most people say tends to be something like "What an ungrateful/blasphemous thing to say; life is a gift!" or "You think too much; you should lighten up." Well... I would if I could...

It wouldn't be such a problem but I'm a girl, and around here all the girls around my age are popping out infants. I don't know how to explain to all the people who are inexplicably happy with their existence that bringing another sentient being into existence is not something I take lightly. I don't want to be the cause of more suffering. I've considered adoption, but I find that I don't want to be responsible for the shaping of an innocent child's views about truth when I myself am uncertain. I'm also not the most stable person in the world, emotionally, so I find that forcing myself on some unsuspecting child as their ultimate source of comfort seems like an act of cruelty.

I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have this problem if I could have only been a male. I think I was decently even-tempered until 13 or so. I'm 22 now and I still suffer the teenage "mood swings", to the point where I wonder if I don't have some kind of mild form of bipolar disorder. But I think menstruation and the corresponding hormones are at least partially to blame for these thought patterns... a most bitter irony that the cycle which makes reproduction possible would make me too depressed to want to reproduce, yet simultaneously give me stupid sexual desires so that either choice invariably leads to torment.

I occasionally consider suicide, but only when the flood of negative emotions make it impossible to think rationally. All things considered, I think the wiser course of action is to keep fighting to survive. But in moods like this, I'm pretty bitter about the fact that I had to start fighting in the first place. It feels like a bad joke, especially since the majority of the population don't seem to think about these things and it's apparently only because I won the "IQ Lottery" that I have to suffer, and suffer doubly, because on top of all these thoughts I have to endure the normal, well-adjusted people who wouldn't (wouldn't want to?) understand them if I tried to explain them.

I'm not sure what to do; I think I want to stop having emotions so I can at least be at peace with the human state of affairs, but at the same time I'm afraid to stop having emotions because they are part of who I am. I know for certain that I'd like to stop having a sex drive, mostly so that I wouldn't be tricked into doing something that the better part of me finds very upsetting...

Does anyone else ever feel like this, or is this part of the INFP curse?

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

I say that you should remove yourself from the situation. Move some where else in the world and start again.

 

[loveofreason]

I don't think it is an exclusively INFP 'curse'.

The advice to move and start again sounds resonant. I'd guess it's a familiar solution to those born into antithetical cultures. Finding an external environment conducive to your self expression may be an important step in exploring your angst productively. There is a lot you could do with the perceptions, emotions and thoughts you experience, that speak directly to others in their understanding of life. This potential dialogue is critical not only to you, but to everyone else who shares variants of your experience.

Your 'children' - the products and vessels of life - need not be biological. There are ways to allow life's expressive force to move through you without fusing gametes. Or adopting and playing the role of mother. Exploring these other generative and catalytic possibilities could benefit others while fitting your own needs and potential much more closely.

But... don't hate your own sexual nature because it could lead to children. It is too inter-related with your greater creativity. What options do you have to guard against pregnancy?

 

[Cognisant]

Not sure if this is a "Feeler" problem and therefore irrelevant to the majority of people on this forum, but do you ever find it incredibly unjust and tragic that you were forced to exist?

Yes, been there.

I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have this problem if I could have only been a male.

Lol, no.

Schopenhauer's "The World as Will and Representation" more or less makes the point that people exist as an entanglement of contradictory wills, the self conscious mind seeks meaning, purpose, understanding and to avoid suffering, whereas the body has its own will, not a mind but rather a mechanistic force, a bias in its design, our genes care nothing for who we are, only what we are and the propagation of it.

As you well know for women this means the contradictory desires to both have sex and yet be highly selective about it, I dunno how that works and I honestly can't imagine what that's like, but I can safely assume that if either desire isn't met your body will punish you, we may like to think we own our bodies but the truth is quite the opposite.

But don't think it's any easier to be male, rates of attempted suicide may be higher for females but the rate of successful suicide in both Australia and the US is three times higher for males, and I think the reason for this is what I call the feedback loop of failure. A male's impulse is to simply get laid, which is simple but not easy, not unless he's already in a relationship or charismatic/confident enough to pick up, because if he's not then he'll try, fail, lose confidence, try less often & be less confident when he does which makes him even less likely to succeed, leading into this destructive loop until he's bitter/depressed enough to give up or kill himself.

I'm sure many people here can relate to this and I'm only happy to talk about it because at present there is little support to help a guy get out of this loop, if you're not doing well you have to shut up or risk embarrassing yourself further. Whereas hearing "if I could have only been a male" I can't help but wonder what's stopping you from going out and just being easy, sure you won't get the guy you want and I'm aware this is not an activity without risk but we do live in a world with modern contraception.

Still, I digress, being human sucks but I'm an atheist so I don't let myself get upset about it because y'know it's not like there's anyone at fault, no god, and considering if there was I'd gladly burn just to spite it then this isn't so bad, indeed I choose to live, be happy and be a moral person, despite how I may at times feel, as a spiteful stoic celebration of the absence of god.

 

[Kudryavka]

I say that you should remove yourself from the situation. Move some where else in the world and start again.

As it happens, I may be able to do that soon. (Unfortunately my ability to do that is sort of tied to my ability to stop being depressed and actually get work done...)

The advice to move and start again sounds resonant. I'd guess it's a familiar solution to those born into antithetical cultures. Finding an external environment conducive to your self expression may be an important step in exploring your angst productively. There is a lot you could do with the perceptions, emotions and thoughts you experience, that speak directly to others in their understanding of life. This potential dialogue is critical not only to you, but to everyone else who shares variants of your experience.

Your 'children' - the products and vessels of life - need not be biological.

Yes, I think this is the path I am on. I'm both an aspiring writer and a visual artist, and I've actually thought before that "Ideas will be my children!" I would say that I already do a fair amount of funneling my stupid angst in a productive manner, but I agree that external environment plays a big role. I work with a bunch of sensors currently and I'm much more at home in the world of academia. When I was taking classes for my two-year degree I thought to myself that if I had infinity money, I would just go to college my whole life. Somehow learning is comforting to me. I often get hung up about the perceived pointlessness of mundane day-to-day activities, but I've never felt that way about learning...

But... don't hate your own sexual nature because it could lead to children. It is too inter-related with your greater creativity. What options do you have to guard against pregnancy?

Abstinence, currently. My boyfriend (either INTJ or INFJ) says that children are not important to him and that he would have no problem getting an operation if we were to get married. I'm currently unsure as to whether the latter is ever going to become a reality, so... abstinence. And drinking alone.

It's interesting, btw, that you bring up the idea of sexual energy being related to creative energy. I've heard that before. I wish I could channel 100% of it into my work; more often than not it seems more of a stupid distraction, akin to other stupid distractions from creativity like "hunger" and "social obligations." I think what makes it more unbearable to me than those is that I feel it's a more embarrassing form of weakness than simple hunger. Sex is inter-related with emotions for me and I like being in control of those...

A male's impulse is to simply get laid, which is simple but not easy, not unless he's already in a relationship or charismatic/confident enough to pick up, because if he's not then he'll try, fail, lose confidence, try less often & be less confident when he does which makes him even less likely to succeed, leading into this destructive loop until he's bitter/depressed enough to give up or kill himself.

Never thought about that but yes, that does sound quite depressing. Occasionally I try to see situations as men see them, and I think I've been able to understand to a degree why many find women frightening in a sexual sense. Your point furthers my understanding and for that I thank you

Whereas hearing "if I could have onlyeen a male" I can't help but wonder what's stopping you from going out and just being easy, sure you won't get the guy you want and I'm aware this is not an activity without risk but we do live in a world with modern contraception.

Emotional and religious hangups, basically. Too deeply ingrained at this point to want to change them.

Still, I digress, being human sucks but I'm an atheist so I don't let myself get upset about it because y'know it's not like there's anyone at fault, no god, and considering if there was I'd gladly burn just to spite it then this isn't so bad, indeed I choose to live, be happy and be a moral person, despite how I may at times feel, as a spiteful stoic celebration of the absence of god.

I've heard "The reason I live is out of spite" before and I have to say that I'm not sure I understand how to do that without losing my innocence. I try hard to keep myself from becoming spiteful because I feel it isn't beautiful. But I don't know if the spite you guys describe is quite the same as the spite that I'm currently trying not to cultivate.

 

[Duxwing]

Not sure if this is a "Feeler" problem and therefore irrelevant to the majority of people on this forum, but do you ever find it incredibly unjust and tragic that you were forced to exist?

Yes, but then I considered the alternative and realized that existence, no matter how painful, is still existence and that suicide could not relieve my pain because dead people cannot tell that their pain has ended. With my philosophy squared away, I then found some fun and interesting things to do and no longer feel nearly so depressed.

Every once in awhile I get depressed about the fact that I was born against my will into a world full of suffering, for seemingly no reason other than the fact that my parents wanted the novelty of "a child" that shared their DNA. They didn't want me, and they couldn't have known what I would be like in order to want me; they just wanted a being to fill the role of "child" and I was what they got. They could have adopted a suffering orphan or something, but I guess biological imperative overruled what I tend to view as the more noble choice.

Do you feel the pain of others, or are you simply suffering? And how could your have wanted you before they knew you? They had no choice in what child would be born; they intended to love it and care for it no matter what kind it would be.

I was raised in a religious atmosphere which meant being challenged with the idea of "eternally existing" from a pretty young age. I wouldn't call myself an atheist currently, but I'm a skeptic in general (stems from the typical INFP worry) and have explored the idea of the cessation of existence too. I find that both the idea that I might exist forever, and the idea that I might cease to exist entirely, are absolutely terrifying to me. The notion that my (or anyone's) decisions in this life could cause me (or anyone) an eternity of suffering makes me wish that I was never born. Alternately, the idea that we've all been forced to exist and continue to want to keep existing per biological imperative of survival, and have all this time we bought by operating according to said biological imperative to sit and think about how one day we will go through the pain of ceasing to exist, also makes me wish I was never born in the first place.

So you feel like your will is being frustrated on a cosmic scale, then? Why are you scared? Eternal life can be taken one day at a time, and eternal death is... well... remember that time before you were born? Luckily, death doesn't hurt. And if you were never born, then you would never have come to know the beauties of the world. Consider, perhaps, the good in your life--I know that I sound corny in saying that, but a negative bias is just as much a bias as a positive one.

Either way I look at it, I feel trapped, and often without anybody to turn to for comfort in the trap, since the first thing most people say tends to be something like "What an ungrateful/blasphemous thing to say; life is a gift!" or "You think too much; you should lighten up." Well... I would if I could...

You don't think too much, and one needn't be vicious to see life through somber lenses.

It wouldn't be such a problem but I'm a girl, and around here all the girls around my age are popping out infants. I don't know how to explain to all the people who are inexplicably happy with their existence that bringing another sentient being into existence is not something I take lightly. I don't want to be the cause of more suffering. I've considered adoption, but I find that I don't want to be responsible for the shaping of an innocent child's views about truth when I myself am uncertain. I'm also not the most stable person in the world, emotionally, so I find that forcing myself on some unsuspecting child as their ultimate source of comfort seems like an act of cruelty.

Like LOR said, you needn't bear and raise children. (If it helps, know that I see reproduction in the same way).

I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have this problem if I could have only been a male. I think I was decently even-tempered until 13 or so. I'm 22 now and I still suffer the teenage "mood swings", to the point where I wonder if I don't have some kind of mild form of bipolar disorder. But I think menstruation and the corresponding hormones are at least partially to blame for these thought patterns... a most bitter irony that the cycle which makes reproduction possible would make me too depressed to want to reproduce, yet simultaneously give me stupid sexual desires so that either choice invariably leads to torment.

As far as I know, hormonal birth control pills quell the menstrual cycle and perhaps, by extension, its associated mood cycles. As for Bipolar Disorder, read the end of page two and all of page three and see if the symptoms fit. If you think that you have bipolar disorder, then go see a mental health professional who can give you a formal diagnosis.

I occasionally consider suicide, but only when the flood of negative emotions make it impossible to think rationally. All things considered, I think the wiser course of action is to keep fighting to survive. But in moods like this, I'm pretty bitter about the fact that I had to start fighting in the first place. It feels like a bad joke, especially since the majority of the population don't seem to think about these things and it's apparently only because I won the "IQ Lottery" that I have to suffer, and suffer doubly, because on top of all these thoughts I have to endure the normal, well-adjusted people who wouldn't (wouldn't want to?) understand them if I tried to explain them.

The first step in that fight is to find things that you enjoy: friends, hobbies, a career. Even if only a distraction, they will clear your head enough for you to reason without these floods of negative emotion. The fact that billions are suffering doesn't mean that you must, too.

I'm not sure what to do; I think I want to stop having emotions so I can at least be at peace with the human state of affairs, but at the same time I'm afraid to stop having emotions because they are part of who I am. I know for certain that I'd like to stop having a sex drive, mostly so that I wouldn't be tricked into doing something that the better part of me finds very upsetting...

Does anyone else ever feel like this, or is this part of the INFP curse?

Tempting as that idea may sound, a twofold philosophical problem exists within it: Without emotions, you could neither be at peace with the state of human affairs (peace is an emotion) nor, even if you could, enjoy the fact that you are. Regarding your sex drive:

--Your sex drive is a part of you. Nevertheless, I understand how alienated it must seem from the rest of your mind. I feel the same way. Perhaps we will not need one in the future, but for now, we are stuck this way.
--If you bear and raise children and enjoy the process, then you have been anything but tricked; however, if you would not enjoy it, then see my next point.
--Having a sex drive does not necessarily imply child bearing or rearing. As others have advised, find someone who wants to have sex with you but does not want children.

-Duxwing

 

[r4ch3l]

Not sure if this is a "Feeler" problem and therefore irrelevant to the majority of people on this forum, but do you ever find it incredibly unjust and tragic that you were forced to exist?

Yes, usually when I am feeling very overwhelmed and unable to handle basic low-level life things because my life is off balance and chaotic and my mind is trying to escape by spinning out into Abstractia (my happy place). It got really bad when I was going through heavy emotional turmoil (breakup, health issues, money issues, coming to terms with parents and past) and was working on a bunch of self-directed research projects to complete a philosophy degree. I didn't care about anything but my projects because I didn't want to face my disaster of a life. When the projects were completed I had one of those infamous Dark Night of the Soul™s. I didn't get up for weeks and essentially played dead. Finally, one day, I found a small reason to get up. And started rebuilding from there.

I believe that humans have the right to both their own lives (fight for survival) and their own deaths (fuck this shit, I'm out) should they choose that. But now I see that the real problem is not some metaphysical unfairness but my own seemingly-unbreakable mind loops spinning out of control and my past weighing me down (infamous Si--Ti loop of doom -- nostalgia, fatigue, anxiety, trying to solve emotional problems with logic when really you JUST NEED TO MOVE FORWARD; but it's very hard to reconnect with time/flow/decision making when you are in the loop).

Every once in awhile I get depressed about the fact that I was born against my will into a world full of suffering, for seemingly no reason other than the fact that my parents wanted the novelty of "a child" that shared their DNA. They didn't want me, and they couldn't have known what I would be like in order to want me; they just wanted a being to fill the role of "child" and I was what they got. They could have adopted a suffering orphan or something, but I guess biological imperative overruled what I tend to view as the more noble choice.

Yes, I struggled with obsessing about similar things with my parents but I also realized that this is just the way things are here, and there is nothing wrong with that. Like you I looked at my emotional issues surrounding my parents in a broader framework and condemned them for their hypocrisy of believing themselves to be so selfless when really the choice to have a child is itself selfish. But does it have to be one or the other? ALL drive to reproduce is selfish. It's not unique to your parents. Try and disentangle this idea from more specific issues you have with them that still impact you today. I suspect you may be like me and are secretly frustrated by your own codependence on them and the fact that you do care what they think or still let their influence guide parts of your life. What do you want to let go of? What has stopped you so far?

I find that both the idea that I might exist forever, and the idea that I might cease to exist entirely, are absolutely terrifying to me.

You're getting at the core of the core here. You have an anxiety about death, and this anxiety is causing you to freeze, analyze, and ultimately reject life. I can have similar moments where the idea of getting attached to something just so it will be taken away from me makes me not want to do anything at all, to disappear. This is an essay I wrote that touches on this as well as some arguments on the unfairness of being born/bad parenting and arguments to move forward and fight to live anyway. I cited some of the more existential passages of Unreality and Time by Robert Brumbaugh, a book that was very comforting to me and helped me understand time more conceptually (which helped me make peace with both death and living in the moment). I found Fear of Life by Alexander Lowen to clearly pinpoint a lot of my core anxieties and help me understand my feelings, but it's a bit of a dense/dull read at times (IMO -- 5 star reviews on Amazon).

Either way I look at it, I feel trapped, and often without anybody to turn to for comfort in the trap, since the first thing most people say tends to be something like "What an ungrateful/blasphemous thing to say; life is a gift!" or "You think too much; you should lighten up." Well... I would if I could...

I feel you there. I end up scaring/alienating people when mostly I just want a hug. [please don't take away my INTP card.]

I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have this problem if I could have only been a male. I think I was decently even-tempered until 13 or so.

Same, same. I don't know if it's hormones so much as social norms/expectations and being rejected for being an odd duck...I feel like I would have been encouraged instead of attempts at remolding had I been a boy.

Also to consider: 13 is when you start becoming an adult and taking on responsibility for your own autonomy. Despite not agreeing with your parents you probably felt safe when they were directing your life and anxious/unsafe when faced with running the show yourself.

But in moods like this, I'm pretty bitter about the fact that I had to start fighting in the first place. It feels like a bad joke, especially since the majority of the population don't seem to think about these things and it's apparently only because I won the "IQ Lottery" that I have to suffer, and suffer doubly, because on top of all these thoughts I have to endure the normal, well-adjusted people who wouldn't (wouldn't want to?) understand them if I tried to explain them.

You need some outlets. I was routinely traumatized by my inability to communicate the things I care about or that interest me to others in a way that they accept or understand. Finally I accepted that I was never going to find the understanding I craved by doing this and it took the pressure off of me and of my interpersonal relationships. But it's tough. Honestly, I've seen a big improvement in myself since joining this forum; I know that there is a place I can dump all my crazy thoughts on and someone out there will Get It and that makes me less panicked and prone to obsessing and re-checking the thoughts or asking what is "wrong with me".

I've also started up on a writing project again and the idea that completing this thing has the potential to communicate some of my ideas and opinions in a creative way that holds the attention of others is very motivating and keeps me moving forward. I don't have delusions of grandeur surrounding becoming a professional novelist but it is a comforting thought. INFP author Haruki Murakami said it better:

"I placed the highest priority on the sort of life that lets me focus on writing, not associating with all the people around me. I felt that the indispensable relationship I should build in my life was not with a specific person, but with an unspecified number of readers. As long as I got my day-to-day life set so that each work was an improvement over the last, then many of my readers would welcome whatever life I chose for myself. I can’t see my readers’ faces, so in a sense it’s a conceptual type of human relationship, but I’ve consistently considered this invisible, conceptual relationship to be the most important thing in my life."

I'm not sure what to do; I think I want to stop having emotions so I can at least be at peace with the human state of affairs, but at the same time I'm afraid to stop having emotions because they are part of who I am.

Spoiler

http://youtu.be/10ztYexCCTs

I know for certain that I'd like to stop having a sex drive, mostly so that I wouldn't be tricked into doing something that the better part of me finds very upsetting...

Maybe if you are open to understanding and embracing having a sex drive you will embrace life again. When I was younger I used to tell myself that sex was illogical and I didn't care for it. Now tapping into my sex drive is a fundamental part of how I manage my mental health. When I am well-fucked (sorry) I am soooo much less prone to outbursts and existential tantrums. Female hysteria used to be "treated" by orgasms, you know.

I am NOT saying that this will *cure* you or trying to belittle you in any way, but sometimes we underestimate how much a mind-on-speed can affect the body, which in turn affects the mind. Relaxation and resetting strategies can help manage this and make life more bearable. I've also found that a good massage once a month or so does wonders.

 

[SpaceYeti]

1. Get over yourself.
2. You exist. Deal with it.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

I relate rather potently with you....
Though I view being forced into life and the possibility of suicide rather dispassionately.
Suicide is an option if I ever need or desire it. I've always thought the over-emotionalism that people address suicide with was ridiculous. The reality of suicide is far less horrific than the fact that most people selfishly insist that people live. It's a personal choice that should be respected; not denied or over-dramatized.


If you ever desire children I wouldn't recommend adoption. The social system is filled with crack/FAS babies and the older ones are always victims of severe neglect and/or sexual/physical abuse. You'd most certainly be dealing with severe psychological and developmental disorders. It's extremely depressing, but most people simply aren't equipped to deal with these children and their extreme need.

I have a little brother, relatively undamaged compared to most from the system, and even he suffers from clinical ptsd and a host of other issues. I understand why people have their own children. I don't really approve, but at least they're not shooting heroin while pregnant or beating and raping their kids.


People are fucking awful.



I would also suggest you sterilize yourself. These days there are less invasive procedures and hormonal contraception is very unappealing. I think the peace of mind would do you good.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

For many people being reject from their peer group is worse than physical torture or death.

 

[TimeAsylums]

For many people being reject from their peer group is worse than physical torture or death.

hahaha for many people being rejected from their peer group is tortue and death.

 

[Kudryavka]

Do you feel the pain of others, or are you simply suffering?

I think it's both. Because I feel sorry for myself, I look around and feel sorry for others. "If it's like this for me, I feel sorry for them as well. Why do we have to go through this?"

As far as I know, hormonal birth control pills quell the menstrual cycle and perhaps, by extension, its associated mood cycles.

I did indeed take low-dose birth control for a year to regulate my cycle after the cramps got so bad that I nearly lost consciousness and ended up on the floor at my place of work. I remember feeling more "even-tempered", and slightly less creative, but that's not my main concern. I'm off of them now because the concept of paying every month for an increased risk of stroke and breast cancer is pretty distasteful to me. So I do think they make a difference, it just... comes at a price...

I suspect you may be like me and are secretly frustrated by your own codependence on them and the fact that you do care what they think or still let their influence guide parts of your life. What do you want to let go of? What has stopped you so far?

You'd be right. I had quite the fight with them at 18 (over an issue where I felt they had irreparably wronged me and for which they refused to apologize when I told them this) and I wanted to leave the house immediately, but as they were still willing to allow me to stay here and pay for my classes, I thought it was strategically better if I could suppress my discomfort for now. I try to depend on them as little as possible; I don't pay rent or utilities but I pay for my own food, car and all related expenses, paid them back for my classes, etc. In retrospect it might have been a blessing in disguise since I think it gave me a drive to work harder. But I'm frustrated that I'm still here in the same position after these years, yes.

I think I'd like to let go of the expectations I feel they have for me. My mom wants grandchildren from me and when I was growing up her opinions and beliefs were akin to the word of God so I'm still trying to figure out what to do about the stupid feelings of guilt that I get whenever I don't do what she wants. I disagree with her on many, many things so I get these feelings a lot. I think things would vastly improve if I lived somewhere else and just saw my family on the holidays or something. Since childhood I've suffered from the "must make authority figures happy" people-pleasing mindset, but I think it wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have to be around said authority figures all the time.

book recommendations

Thanks very much for those, I will definitely look into them!

I've also started up on a writing project again and the idea that completing this thing has the potential to communicate some of my ideas and opinions in a creative way that holds the attention of others is very motivating and keeps me moving forward. I don't have delusions of grandeur surrounding becoming a professional novelist but it is a comforting thought. INFP author Haruki Murakami said it better:

Yes, I have several writing projects in the works currently that communicate my ideas and they are really motivating! The quote by Haruki Murakami is fantastic; that's how I feel too. In fact recently I realized that calling bookish introverts like myself "anti-social" is a mistake; we are being social in our own way, getting acquainted with others through their writing.

I am NOT saying that this will *cure* you or trying to belittle you in any way, but sometimes we underestimate how much a mind-on-speed can affect the body, which in turn affects the mind. Relaxation and resetting strategies can help manage this and make life more bearable. I've also found that a good massage once a month or so does wonders.

Don't worry, I don't feel belittled. I think it's true in these cases that I often forget that I am a body and not just a detached mind. I should probably treat myself a bit more when I am feeling bad (and find healthier ways to do this rather than simply devouring chocolate everything).

1. Get over yourself.
2. You exist. Deal with it.

1. I'm sorry if my OP seemed melodramatic or like a ploy for attention. It was just my honest thoughts late at night.

2. This thread is me trying to do that. I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same way as me so that I could be comforted knowing I wasn't alone. I just wanted to talk to someone about it.

On that note, thanks for taking the time to respond, everyone.

 

[Duxwing]

I think it's both. Because I feel sorry for myself, I look around and feel sorry for others. "If it's like this for me, I feel sorry for them as well. Why do we have to go through this?"

Your complaint contains several presuppositions that are likely causing you pain:

1.) First, not everyone suffers as much (or as little) you do, or even in the same way. Even dirt-poor, starving Africans can--despite the material difficulties of their lives--feel happy when someone tells a joke.

2.) No "have to" exists at all. You will break no grander imperative if you do not suffer; your only barrier is material, e.g., your psyche.

3.) On a cosmic scale, no "why" can presently be proven to exist exist, only a 'how' (and even those statements are tenuous at best). Good, evil, right, wrong, those are all human ideas and feelings: The universe itself is amoral like a rock is amoral. So don't bother looking for inherent meaning in the mess that is the aggregation of the sufferings of the world. Instead, look upon it as a mechanic looks at a flat tire or slipped belt: a problem to be fixed.

Extending from number three, you could--if you don't already--write a story that could communicate how you fell into these feelings and how you got out of them. You seem to love writing.

I did indeed take low-dose birth control for a year to regulate my cycle after the cramps got so bad that I nearly lost consciousness and ended up on the floor at my place of work. I remember feeling more "even-tempered", and slightly less creative, but that's not my main concern. I'm off of them now because the concept of paying every month for an increased risk of stroke and breast cancer is pretty distasteful to me. So I do think they make a difference, it just... comes at a price...

Make your life safer in other ways to offset the increased risks: aggregate risk is ultimately a function of all your individual risks, so an increase in one can be nullified by a decrease in the other.

On that note, thanks for taking the time to respond, everyone.

Anytime.

-Duxwing

 

[The Introvert]

Would you rather not exist?