Emotional Handicap and Dating

[Stellar]

I'm wondering, are any of you guys emotionally handicapped? What I seek is thoughts on being more well balanced, and actually either developing ways to be able to deal with situations where emotions are involved i.e. dating and the like or your experiences with situations like this.
I am awkward from what i've heard, and am a bit robotic to the point that these situations aren't great for me to be in with the average person because I ruin them and feel like I want them to stop/ or feel sickly smothered so it's ruined. I also don't experience much variation in emotion too often, and am too apathetic for my own good most of the time, so this comes to be a problem with dating and shit. If this sounds anything like you, how do you deal with dating and the like. I think I should learn to "feel" and "care" more, if I am ever going to get into relationship-like things. I've met other INTPs that do not have this issue from what I hear so… maybe this is just exclusive to me.
I want to want to be flirted with, and not feel uncomfortable and smothered when it happens. The idea of friends with benefits is the most appealing to me, but this isn't the sort of relationship i'd want to one day be okay with having. It's more of the, dating sorta thing.
So how do you all deal with it if it's an issue? All thoughts welcome, etc, yadah.

Thanks.

 

[own8ge]

>Emotional Handicap and Dating

Seek an equal.

 

[kvothe27]

Yes, I'm emotionally handicapped. I've received just about every diagnosis along those lines (schizoid, avoidant, autism spectrum, social anxiety, depression, adhd). Although I've gone through a great deal of therapy and taken a great deal of medications, I'm more or less in the same situation, except I've become a lot more jaded in regards to "improving." Sometimes when people greet me, I just snub them. It's not worth my time trying to be friendly to people, I've found. It just exposes my limitations, which usually just ends up as blood in the water for people who find amusement in harassing others.


The best way to deal with it is through regular exercise, meditation, therapy, and medication. Simply practicing in being more intimate with others may help. It also may reinforce your current habits if disappointment is all you find. This is why finding an appropriate therapy may be useful in your social endeavors.

I wish I knew how to care about people enough to live on a more social plane of existence, but, the older I get, the more apathetic I've become. I'm physically attracted to plenty of females, but the social necessities of acquiring and maintaining a girlfriend are overwhelming to me. I can barely manage to put forth the effort to maintain acquaintances, let alone friendships. I actually tend to find it annoying when people try to befriend me or girls flirt with me. None of it is natural for me. I have to act to get anywhere. That, or I need to be on some sort of drug that increases my level of dopamine. Even then, it's challenging to summon the level of interest necessary to socialize, maintain friendships, and have a girlfriend.

Good luck.

 

[own8ge]

... part deleted on request of the quoted. : Ragnar

This is wrong in many ways. If you can't live with yourself, any accomplisment, including a relationship, wouldn't sattisfy. An emptyness that can't be filled will exist within your heart.

I would strongly suggest you to start meditating or whatnot. That is, if enlightenment is your goal.

As the buddhist say: "Do not carry a woman." Exploits the fact that nothing other than the self can be truely satisfying. Though the quote may seem anti-relationship, it is the absolute opposite. True respect against others can only be achieved once respect for the self has been achieved. (One's intentions towards others are reflections of the self).

 

[Etheri]

So how do you all deal with it if it's an issue? All thoughts welcome, etc, yadah.

Thanks.

Find equally robotic, apathic women. They exist, and they want to be loved too. As you'll understand eachother in this sense, awkwardness is much less. It seems to be working for me.

 

[Stellar]

>Emotional Handicap and Dating

Seek an equal.

This is what I think as well. It is ideal for me, but for once I was contemplating that maybe it's time to compromise, become more balanced in some way or something like that. I want to want affection, and be socially less awkward and more okay with typical dating behavior because i'm sure i'll be subjected to it at some point. The odds seem greater atm than finding an equal. My general apathy is kicking back in though, i'm too lazy to try anymore. Finding an equal would work best for me.
Thanks!


... part deleted on request of the quoted. : Ragnar

I don't think so much that I personally want to act the "proper" way. I just want to learn to be more comfortable with these things so that one day I don't regret my younger selfs apathy when i'm unhappy that i'm alone and shit. It was just a thought. I wanted to see how other INTPs or people that can relate act with the subject of emotions and love. My curiosity and contemplation of attempting to be more compromising to prevent ramafications is what led me to start the thread.

& Thank you, yes that's exactly what I was considering on doing. Attempting to "grow" and stretch those limits.

Yes, I'm emotionally handicapped. I've received just about every diagnosis along those lines (schizoid, avoidant, autism spectrum, social anxiety, depression, adhd). Although I've gone through a great deal of therapy and taken a great deal of medications, I'm more or less in the same situation, except I've become a lot more jaded in regards to "improving." Sometimes when people greet me, I just snub them. It's not worth my time trying to be friendly to people, I've found. It just exposes my limitations, which usually just ends up as blood in the water for people who find amusement in harassing others.


The best way to deal with it is through regular exercise, meditation, therapy, and medication. Simply practicing in being more intimate with others may help. It also may reinforce your current habits if disappointment is all you find. This is why finding an appropriate therapy may be useful in your social endeavors.

I wish I knew how to care about people enough to live on a more social plane of existence, but, the older I get, the more apathetic I've become. I'm physically attracted to plenty of females, but the social necessities of acquiring and maintaining a girlfriend are overwhelming to me. I can barely manage to put forth the effort to maintain acquaintances, let alone friendships. I actually tend to find it annoying when people try to befriend me or girls flirt with me. None of it is natural for me. I have to act to get anywhere. That, or I need to be on some sort of drug that increases my level of dopamine. Even then, it's challenging to summon the level of interest necessary to socialize, maintain friendships, and have a girlfriend.

Good luck.

I can relate. The difference with me is that I put effort into being kind to people... even if I don't care to. I struggle to maintain friendships but I still hang out every now and then when I think I should and i've been ignoring them for too long to try to salvage the little friendships I do have... I'm a social chameleon at it's best.
With that said, I'm socially awkward but people find me pleasing for the most part because I have somewhat mastered the social chameleon thing. My issue is more specific to intimate relationships because I can't deal with them at all in the way most tend to. I wish to master being more comfortable with it as well so that I can date and not feel smothered if someone says something I deem to sound "stupid" and just learn to deal with it better. Still be myself, but deal and be more comfortable with it I guess.

Thanks for your personal thoughts on the matter.
Good luck to you too.

 

[Stellar]

Find equally robotic, apathic women. They exist, and they want to be loved too. As you'll understand eachother in this sense, awkwardness is much less. It seems to be working for me.

I am a woman. Lulz.

Good luck to you man, that's awesome.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Maybe you just need to subject yourself to an intimate relationship while accepting that it will most likely end in failure. Be yourself but be direct and honest about who you are and willing to explain how you function.


I should do that to, but alas unfortunate private circumstances have me unwilling to do so, i'm too confused. But bah people suck, I cant believe some get upset when I need a couple solo hours in order not to go mad, they think I'm like them because I like being social when I'm being social, but I can't keep that up without having a lot of time for myself.

 

[Duxwing]

Maybe you just need to subject yourself to an intimate relationship while accepting that it will most likely end in failure. Be yourself but be direct and honest about who you are and willing to explain how you function.


I should do that to, but alas unfortunate private circumstances have me unwilling to do so, i'm too confused. But bah people suck, I cant believe some get upset when I need a couple solo hours in order not to go mad, they think I'm like them because I like being social when I'm being social, but I can't keep that up without having a lot of time for myself.

Might making your introversion clear, even as you sit among the crowd, help avoid the confusion? Doing that has brought me good results.

Regarding being emotionally handicapped:

My empathy usually remains unconscious and in, but it can be roused by sufficiently dramatic or strange behavior on the part of another: below that threshold, I will unwittingly blunder and ignore cues, and above it, I focus on understanding the other person and resolving the personal problem at hand--sometimes with good results. Upon solving the problem or giving up, I return to my my normal contemplation and analysis.

I can already hear Architect, "Integrate your inferior Fe".

-Duxwing

 

[r4ch3l]

None of it is natural for me. I have to act to get anywhere. That, or I need to be on some sort of drug that increases my level of dopamine. Even then, it's challenging to summon the level of interest necessary to socialize, maintain friendships, and have a girlfriend.

Good luck.

Same here, and I've put a lot of effort into bonsai-ing myself only to realize that you cannot change who you are and that coping strategies take consistent practice. But like you at that point it becomes: "Do I even value these coping strategies? Could my effort be better spent elsewhere? Do I just need to find better people to be around?"

I have to put a lot of energy into putting on somewhat of an act to navigate social situations. When I've been practicing regularly it becomes more natural but I always eventually regress to my natural state of hermit-dom.

Did you also find that ADHD meds helped you be more social naturally and have enough energy/drive to be more present and interactive? That was one of the things about Adderall that I miss quite a bit. It's not so much that I needed or wanted it for intense concentration but that it helped a lot when I was out socializing or working with others in environments with a lot of outside stimulation (i.e. groups). Adderall helped me to cut through the noise instead of zoning out or overanalyzing everything so much that I seemed zoned out. Because I'm so gloomy by nature (quiet, death stare) it balanced out my personality (well duh, it's speed).

 

[kvothe27]

Same here, and I've put a lot of effort into bonsai-ing myself only to realize that you cannot change who you are and that coping strategies take consistent practice. But like you at that point it becomes: "Do I even value these coping strategies? Could my effort be better spent elsewhere? Do I just need to find better people to be around?"

I have to put a lot of energy into putting on somewhat of an act to navigate social situations. When I've been practicing regularly it becomes more natural but I always eventually regress to my natural state of hermit-dom.

Did you also find that ADHD meds helped you be more social naturally and have enough energy/drive to be more present and interactive? That was one of the things about Adderall that I miss quite a bit. It's not so much that I needed or wanted it for intense concentration but that it helped a lot when I was out socializing or working with others in environments with a lot of outside stimulation (i.e. groups). Adderall helped me to cut through the noise instead of zoning out or overanalyzing everything so much that I seemed zoned out. Because I'm so gloomy by nature (quiet, death stare) it balanced out my personality (well duh, it's speed).

Yes, adderall was useful in that the level of interest I was able to maintain on other people resulted in social relationships I had previously never experienced. Looking back on what I've put myself through, however, results in feelings of disgust. None of those people were worth the psychological anguish that eventually followed (paranoia, psychosis, and eventual hospitalization). Actually, I take that back, psychosis, just to experience psychosis, was worth it.

The only benefit that came from being on amphetamines, at least socially speaking, is that it gained me a greater understanding as to the psychological effect people have on each other. I often perceived people as being props on some stage. I viewed them as marionettes with emotional strings attached. It completely removed me from the synchronicity of social reality. The hive mind was laid plain before me, and the experience was fucking weird.

Most of us fall into some level social synchronicity without thinking about it or experiencing it outside of that synchronicity. Witnessing it as being as fucking plain as the color of the sky was delicious, despite all the emotional ups and downs.

I mostly kept to myself, regardless of whether I was on amphetamines or not, but just by being on them, people were more drawn to me. They would compete for my attention, they would laugh at my jokes, etc. When I crashed, people would start verbally attacking me. It was enlightening to witness the stark contrast in the way individuals would treat me within the course of the day, based on my emotional state and body language, and almost nothing with what I said. What I verbally said, barring extreme cases, did not matter in how I interacted with others. This is theoretically obvious, but actually experiencing it in such a crystal clear way was like watching a different species in its habitat. I really don't know if I can convey how intuitively enlightening this experience was.

Given my lack of control over my own body language and emotional states, I found myself overwhelmed by the Sisyphean boulder I would have to push up that fucking mountain of socialization in order to fit in with most peer groups.

It laid bare the influence our egos have over us -- how powerful they are -- and how different life can be based on our emotional states and our socialization. Seeing how monumental of a task it would be to change, in addition to all the years of therapy and various medications already experienced, I concluded it wasn't worth it. I concluded that this Pygmalion project could go fuck itself. No thanks. I'll stick to being a recluse, lost in abstractions.

 

[Stellar]

Might making your introversion clear, even as you sit among the crowd, help avoid the confusion? Doing that has brought me good results.

Regarding being emotionally handicapped:

My empathy usually remains unconscious and in, but it can be roused by sufficiently dramatic or strange behavior on the part of another: below that threshold, I will unwittingly blunder and ignore cues, and above it, I focus on understanding the other person and resolving the personal problem at hand--sometimes with good results. Upon solving the problem or giving up, I return to my my normal contemplation and analysis.

I can already hear Architect, "Integrate your inferior Fe".

-Duxwing

That sounds similar to how I respond in social situations. I can control and turn on my empathy as a sort of tool I guess. I'm aware when I should, i.e. if someone is in a bind, going through something they find to be detrimental. With that being said, it depends on the moment. If I don't find it necessary, I focus on understanding their problem thoroughly and try to work out and/or strategizing a solution individual to the person.
Friends and socialization in this manner aren't my issue. I've learned to deal with that over the years. I believe my Fe is well developed personally.

The issue is specific to matters of romantic relationships and being comfortable in them, and with the typical actions associated with them. I know what is "expected" of me when a certain action is done toward me. The issue lies in that I am not comfortable at all and wish to be. Also if and when i'm more comfortable and open to it, I know i'd prefer the person ideally just tell me how they feel, for example, instead of flirting in anyway.

("Hey, I think I have feelings for you." > *giggle* *touches hand subtly* "You're so funny, do you know that?" "You're cute when you _____")

Even the former would make me uncomfortable but, I know it'd be preferred if I were to like someone. I rarely ever like people anyway, but that's another problem entirely. I know what I like, but I just don't meet those kinds of people. Most tend to similar in mentality around these parts, (workout, party, get hoes, fuck science?) which i'm not too fond of. I may be moving to a calmer and more fitting place like Canada soon, so that should be interesting.

*Side note, off topic* The people I tend to be friends with are ENFJs. They seem to be attracted to me like a dung beetle to shit and I wonder what it is that attracts them specifically, if anything besides chance is involved.

 

[r4ch3l]

Yes, adderall was useful in that the level of interest I was able to maintain on other people resulted in social relationships I had previously never experienced. Looking back on what I've put myself through, however, results in feelings of disgust. None of those people were worth the psychological anguish that eventually followed (paranoia, psychosis, and eventual hospitalization). Actually, I take that back, psychosis, just to experience psychosis, was worth it.

Wow. This is very similar to what I went through. I talked about this in TimeAsylums' thread "Are you stingy with your Fe?". During the time I suddenly thought I had tapped into understanding how to be social I was on Adderall for the first time in my life. It worked at first and then totally burned me out. The effortlessness in my social life and brilliant ideas slowly but surely turned into isolation, delusion, taking way too much to make up for my lack of food and sleep, and mild agoraphobia. lol @ psychosis just to experience psychosis. I agree, I don't think I would give the experience back.

The only benefit that came from being on amphetamines, at least socially speaking, is that it gained me a greater understanding as to the psychological effect people have on each other. I often perceived people as being props on some stage. I viewed them as marionettes with emotional strings attached. It completely removed me from the synchronicity of social reality. The hive mind was laid plain before me, and the experience was fucking weird.

Most of us fall into some level social synchronicity without thinking about it or experiencing it outside of that synchronicity. Witnessing it as being as fucking plain as the color of the sky was delicious, despite all the emotional ups and downs.

I know exactly what you mean. For the first time in my life I feel like I truly went from observer to participant (not faking at being a participant).

I mostly kept to myself, regardless of whether I was on amphetamines or not, but just by being on them, people were more drawn to me. They would compete for my attention, they would laugh at my jokes, etc. When I crashed, people would start verbally attacking me. It was enlightening to witness the stark contrast in the way individuals would treat me within the course of the day, based on my emotional state and body language, and almost nothing with what I said. What I verbally said, barring extreme cases, did not matter in how I interacted with others. This is theoretically obvious, but actually experiencing it in such a crystal clear way was like watching a different species in its habitat. I really don't know if I can convey how intuitively enlightening this experience was.

Yeah. During that time I also was still very reclusive (working on philosophy and math projects in my room most of the time, reading A LOT). But when I did socialize or even when I was just out in public it was a whole different reality. Just because my energy was different, because I was confident, aggressive, fast. People are suspicious of me when I am in my normal state; on adderall the suspicion moves more toward the positive spectrum...instead of suspicious they are curious, instead of intimidated they are impressed. I agree, it is intoxicating and also infuriating because the thing I had and lost was is so nebulous but so powerful.

I also learned that if you are a girl and you are hyper and bubbly and smiling you get SO MUCH FARTHER and treated completely differently. It is probably the same for people in general (as you mentioned, the attitude shift you experienced made your social experience different), but Adderall magically transformed me from Larry David into an Actual Girl and I saw that if I could maintain this Actual Girl facade I would gain a lot of benefits and power.

Given my lack of control over my own body language and emotional states, I found myself overwhelmed by the Sisyphean boulder I would have to push up that fucking mountain of socialization in order to fit in with most peer groups.

It laid bare the influence our egos have over us -- how powerful they are -- and how different life can be based on our emotional states and our socialization. Seeing how monumental of a task it would be to change, in addition to all the years of therapy and various medications already experienced, I concluded it wasn't worth it. I concluded that this Pygmalion project could go fuck itself. No thanks. I'll stick to being a recluse, lost in abstractions.

Same. I hope to improve but I base this now on my own metric of happiness, which looks a lot different from most. The mental torture I went through at the end made me decide 100% that the costs outweigh the benefits and I need to accept and work with what I naturally am.

 

[Twn]

You have to try.

None of us are naturally "emotional", but the few that have created meaningful relationships try harder at life.

You are naturally robotic, but you don't lack feeling; if you did, there would be no craving for emotional intimacy.

My advice to you would be to become the partner you seek;affectionate people that are similar-minded, and single will not waste their time on you if you're refusing to better yourself.

Love can be painful, but when you find an amazing person (or, even an ordinary one that is able to effortlessly hold your attention), it gets much easier to show affection.

It becomes fun.

 

[Stellar]

You have to try.

None of us are naturally "emotional", but the few that have created meaningful relationships try harder at life.

You are naturally robotic, but you don't lack feeling; if you did, there would be no craving for emotional intimacy.

My advice to you would be to become the partner you seek;affectionate people that are similar-minded, and single will not waste their time on you if you're refusing to better yourself.

Love can be painful, but when you find an amazing person (or, even an ordinary one that is able to effortlessly hold your attention), it gets much easier to show affection.

It becomes fun.

Thanks for the advice man. I think part of the issue is that there aren't any similar minded people around me physically. If that were the case, i'm sure I could attempt what you suggested. I create relationships, just none of the romantic nature.
I don't try hard enough, your thoughts apply to me. I am lazy. Lulz.

Though I don't think someones lack of "meaningful relationships" necessarily suggests they have not tried as hard in life. I think there are many factors that could lead to their lack of meaningful relationships, effort being one of them. With that said, this isn't my issue exactly.

I'm aware that most aren't "emotional" but what I asked initially was if the emotional handicap actually hinders you greatly within the subject of "emotional" relationships. I don't think any human being lacks complete feeling, but I do lack feeling most of the time to be honest. I'm usually neutral. Like I said in my original post, there is not much variation in my "emotions" and am not in tune with them when they do come about. It's difficult to describe. That's a hindrance of mine as well.

That aside, what I was trying to convey is that I don't want the emotional intimacy at the moment, but I guess I worry that one day I may want it and will regret being apathetic to it at this age. It seems like something I don't wish to deal with at the moment, yet I know I should begin to soften up to it.

I'm sure it is fun, I just need to find a way to get there and be okay and comfortable with it as you describe. Thanks again.