Emotional Response To Emotions Of Others

[Variform]

In another thread I wrote this:

" I can't stand bullying and I don't watch that tv show either, it will aggravate me and make me dwell on the past. Also, according to the information, INTP's get really triggered by the emotions of others. They flare up inside themselves then. It is true. I get really disturbed by strong emotions of others.

My god. I remember after my father died my mom was on the phone one time and cried. And I made weeping sounds to make her become aware she was crying. I didn't like that, I thought she was childish or exaggerating. After she hung up, she was mad at me. I felt a little guilty, but I don't think crying over the phone is done."

I read that INTP's do not like or are bad at handling emotions in others, especially when they are strong.

Do you recognize this in yourself? Can you give an example?

 

[StevenM]

If someone I know is crying, I always end up leaving somewhere else. Too uncomfortable for me to handle. If the person is mature, and strong, and they are crying for an understandable reason, I feel a surge of sad emotion well up inside me. On the other hand, I know someone who is childish, and cries over the damnest things. I feel mostly annoyance.

I'm horrible with emotional support. Generally, I try to avoid the emotional part, and tackle as rationally and impersonally as I can, the root of the issue. Based on my experience, I try to see the general picture of what is going on, and outline a procedure on taking responsibility for the things that can be changed for a better outcome.

Most of the time, grieving just needs time, understanding, and lots of self-care.

 

[wilsonwatsonc]

I have an INFP mother and have problems with this all the time. She would always burst into tears over various things and I'd always get very uncomfortable. I tried to rationalize whatever she was upset about, but it only made her cry harder. I've since learned that the best thing to do is grit my teeth and give her a hug. Somehow, even though nothing is better, everything is "okay" when I do this.

In fact, I've always done that when my friends cry. I just get awkward and try to change the subject, ignore it, or leave.

But I wouldn't say I get uncomfortable in a way that makes emotions flare up inside myself, unless it pertains to a male abusing someone else. That's only because I have a bipolar brother who kind of abused me when I was younger. I get VERY uncomfortable sometimes when I see male characters in movies getting violent and angry. Only when it's a specific kind of anger, though, the kind that's similar to the way he acted. Someone watching me watch it wouldn't even be able to tell.

 

[someoneshady]

Usually when someone is crying I find myself helpless. I don't know what to do with myself. Do I console them? Do I leave the scene? The longer I think about, the more uncomfortable I become. Seems a bit selfish, but I'm not sure whether I would do any good if I tried to console them.
For example, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago. When she told me and my sister my mother burst out in tears and I didn't know what to do. I literally just sat there quietly hoping my sister would act. Luckily she did and I tried to mimmick my sisters behaviour to try to console my mother.

 

[Jennywocky]

I don't like abrupt and intense emotions much, they can unnerve me. However, I guess over the years I've learned to deal -- probably because I feel better able to understand other people and also have enough awareness to see how emotions play out in me as well.

I also tended to be very critical of those who just let their emotions come out on their sleeve, but I've grown to see my own smothering and/or cloaking of emotion as having its own benefits and detriments.

Especially nowadays, I can track and even anticipate someone experiencing anger or grief, joy or sadness. Sometimes those emotions seem like a valid response to a particular situation. How I respond is based on context -- the person and the situation.

Sometimes I know what to say and do; sometimes I have no idea and feel bad about that, I want to step in and engage them but either feel uncomfortable or just don't have any idea how to respond. I try to sometimes talk but it usually seems too "intellectualized" to me; responding intuitively emotionally to another's emotion isn't necessarily something I do well... well, except anger. (If someone's spewing, I can find my own level of annoyance at how they're flipping out at another person's expense and dish it back to them...although most times I don't.)

 

[doncarlzone]

Absolutely, this is the reason I sometimes get uncomfortable just watching Claire Danes in Homeland or Debra Morgan in Dexter. Especially when they desperately cry, I honestly can't stand it. I know it sounds horrible.

 

[Variform]

Some of you feel shame or uneasy with how you process the emotions of others.

 

[HAL9000]

When people are sad I just tell them why they don't need to be sad.

I never comfort them or try to sympathise, I just tell them why they don't need to care at all about their troubles. Works for me, so I assume it should work for them!

 

[doncarlzone]

When people are sad I just tell them why they don't need to be sad.

I never comfort them or try to sympathise, I just tell them why they don't need to care at all about their troubles. Works for me, so I assume it should work for them!

You may want to work on that.

 

[HAL9000]

You may want to work on that.

Heh, jumping to conclusions over how I execute said technique, are we?

I presume you're thinking I say things which may be summed up bluntly as, "Cheer the fuck up, nobody cares."

But surely you know a key INTP trait is the desire for overall logical satisfaction of the party, so we're damn good at tact and diplomacy, without letting anything be muddled by emotion.

In reality my technique is more like, "Don't worry man, the world is a gigantic place with many awesome things going on, and such troubles as this are simply water under a bridge."

In all honestly I think the way I deal with other peoples' emotions is quite fine. Better than any kind of awkward 'hand on shoulder' shit that simply isn't in my nature at all, and is presumably a similarly uncomfortable hurdle for you too.

I don't upset people when I'm 'there' for them, and I certainly haven't lost any friends during their lowest moments!

 

[doncarlzone]

Heh, jumping to conclusions over how I execute said technique, are we?

I presume you're thinking I say things which may be summed up bluntly as, "Cheer the fuck up, nobody cares."

No, I gave you more credit than that.

But surely you know a key INTP trait is the desire for overall logical satisfaction of the party, so we're damn good at tact and diplomacy, without letting anything be muddled by emotion.

In reality my technique is more like, "Don't worry man, the world is a gigantic place with many awesome things going on, and such troubles as this are simply water under a bridge."

In all honestly I think the way I deal with other peoples' emotions is quite fine. Better than any kind of awkward 'hand on shoulder' shit that simply isn't in my nature at all, and is presumably a similarly uncomfortable hurdle for you too.

I don't upset people when I'm 'there' for them, and I certainly haven't lost any friends during their lowest moments!

I get where you're coming from, I've been there many times.

I do not by any means consider myself an expert on feelings, but one thing I've learned is that people don't always want someone to rationalize their emotions or devalue them. If that was the case, INTPs would be experts at comforting people - just think about it. I could give you any feeling or situation and you could tell me why it's meaningless to feel it within seconds.

Works for me, so I assume it should work for them

Being on an MBTI forum, you should know that people do not always think and behave like you - of all types, the INTP should definitely understand that. So why would a coping method you use work on others just because it works for you? That's like an ISTJ saying that his method of ordering his life should improve the lives of everyone just because it brings peace to his mind.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes people do appreciate this method of comfort but definitely not every time. You don't even have to believe me, you will inevitably experience it for yourself.

 

[Jennywocky]

Being on an MBTI forum, you should know that people do not always think and behave like you - of all types, the INTP should definitely understand that. So why would a coping method you use work on others just because it works for you? That's like an ISTJ saying that his method of ordering his life should improve the lives of everyone just because it brings peace to his mind.

Agreed. All those years of marriage + raising three really different kids drove that point home to me. But it's something that can be learned just be interacting with different types of people. I wish I could help others by having them do what I do to cope with certain situations, but sometimes it just doesn't work; and meanwhile, I've received advice that worked for the person giving it, but for me individually I could not perservere or have it be that effective.

Sharing strategies is still a good thing, since you "never know," but yeah. People can benefit from listening and learning but in the end have to find their own way.

 

[Variform]

doncarlzone makes sense. I find myself wondering why we tell others in pain 'it is okay.' Obviously it is not. What does it mean to say that. Is it like saying good morning to someone. What is it you say?

Do you wish it to be a good morning? Or is it a good morning regardless of the situation? Do we actually know what we mean when we say this.

Someone is in tears and in pain and w say it is okay. Right. It is not, so dpo we wish it to be okay? That it could be worse? That it will be okay?

We could just acknowledge the pain. Seems in society we don't like people in pain. We like people to be cheerful and happy. We get annoyed and want people in pain to snap out of it. It is okay. But maybe it is best to experience the pain and not try to push through it so fast.

Maybe better to say 'I know it hurts.' Affirmation.

 

[EditorOne]

I used to get feelings of contempt, disdain and revulsion from things from watching cheerleaders cheer, from actors projecting happy faces, from saccharine thoughts spoken out loud. Now, not so much. Not that I'd let those feelings show, but it used to be tough dealing with what I'd call "angry lion-tail twitching in my gut," kind of a rolling-over feeling inside.
It's not easy being INTP, is it?

 

[HAL9000]

You don't even have to believe me, you will inevitably experience it for yourself.

Ok ok, I'll add a final point that I didn't want to mention because it throws a huge spanner in my works.

The one person who hated my method of 'sympathy' was my ex girlfriend. And guess why she's my ex...? Mainly for that very reason! Haha. Other girlfriends have not been like this though. My most recent ex is the first person ever to so openly dislike my way of comforting her. However I think there may also have been a cultural clash too. She from communal, talkative, sharing, caring Asia, and me from individualistic, stiff-upper-lip UK. But yes in general I was the one who failed her there.

Although as a side thought: Do we INTPs really need to work on our methods of dealing with peoples' emotions? These days I'm a firm believer in sticking to one's own personal style, rather than moulding to a role that doesn't suit you. Some people may require a shoulder to cry on, but they should know if someone is or isn't the right person for that, just like I know who I can rely on for my own various social needs.

I want to say that I want to be more emotionally in touch, but strangely enough I actually don't. Make of that what you will, but try not to criticise. I may have just built a wall so strongly around myself that it'll take some time for me to break free again. <cryface>

 

[someoneshady]

You might know who to turn to for certain things, but you should take into account that other people don't know. You should not change who you are to appeal to other people. It might works wonders short-term, however long-term it will eventually work against you. I guess it all winds down to finding a person that fits your personality.

 

[Variform]

Ok ok, I'll add a final point that I didn't want to mention because it throws a huge spanner in my works.

I don't understand this comment because of...

My most recent ex

Hello? Your most recent ex? Okay so you say you have problems in relationships but you maintain a list of 'ex's'? What seems to be the problem, son.

You seem to be able to go out or meet girls, befriend them, start relationships with them. And although you have 'spanners in the works' you can move on an try again with another?

How are you having problems? How dare you even say it?

I want to say that I want to be more emotionally in touch, but strangely enough I actually don't. Make of that what you will, but try not to criticise. I may have just built a wall so strongly around myself that it'll take some time for me to break free again. <cryface>

I think you are just having spoiled brat issues. You have a social life and yes I know, poor INTP...it is really hard. But you have luxury problems. Try be me.

ONE relationship at 28. Deflowered at 28. Wtf are YOU having problems with?

 

[HAL9000]

Hello? Your most recent ex? Okay so you say you have problems in relationships but you maintain a list of 'ex's'?

You seem to be able to go out or meet girls, befriend them, start relationships with them. And although you have 'spanners in the works' you can move on an try again with another?

How are you having problems? How dare you even say it?

I think you are just having spoiled brat issues. You have a social life and yes I know, poor INTP...it is really hard. But you have luxury problems. Try be me.

ONE relationship at 28. Deflowered at 28. Wtf are YOU having problems with?

Actually I didn't say I was having any problems at all. I said I'd built a big concrete wall around my emotions.

I guess I should explain more.

Firstly you've jumped way beyond the line with your conclusion about me having some kind of long list of girlfriend after girlfriend. My 'most recent ex' is a girl I split up with almost a year ago. I've had a two other previous girlfriends in my entire life, and yes ok that's more partners than you've had, but (sorry gonna swear now) how the fuck does that make me a spoiled brat? Where the fuck did that notion from from?

The 'concrete wall around my heart' thing comes from the fact that I tried so hard to gain her love but it just didn't work, ever. She made me feel like an utterly shit boyfriend - I always seemed to disappoint her - and to this day I don't think I'll ever make a good partner for someone. Hence the emotional barrier. I don't want to fail again.

That's sad if you had to wait until 28 while secretly desiring relationship/love/intimacy for all that time. It's not right to compare specifically with me though, specially when all you have to go off is a few of my words on an Internet forum. I don't think it's healthy for a person to compare statistics with others anyway. We all have our good and bad bits, right?

And you can't hate on me for having a social life. That doesn't even make any sense. 'Spoiled brat', 'luxury problems' , wtf ???

 

[Variform]

A long list of three women! Such extravaganza. You are so easy and loose.

Seriously though. I should put an emotion there. To make sure you understand I mean no harm. So, here it is:

I am sorry I responded like that. Or am I. I guess I am not. I don't like to retract. If I said it, I felt it, its there. Why must I rewrite history?

Still I am sorry that you have this problem and maybe it is unfair to compare. I just have regrets about my life. For me, I cannot help but see this as a luxury problem and why should I not compare. Why would it not be legit to compare? Why should I dismiss my own pain.

I wish I was you. I wish I could look back on three relationships, where you had intimacy and reciprocity even though in the end they failed. You had a shot, three times. And seem able and willing to put yourself out there, on the line. It may have been hard for you. But you still did it and were able, by whatever means, to attract three women to you.

Pain is a strange scale. You are right, you cannot compare. Someone cuts their finger and the universe ends for them. Someone loses an arm and they shrug their shoulders and say alas, it is what it is.

Once I met a man in Juneau airport. He missed one under leg. It was a metal pole. He said it was shot off. He looked like some criminal to me. Another man passed by incidentally, also with a similar handicap. He made a comment. And the guy next to me said ''It is amazing how quickly you get used to it''. Verbatim.

Yeah, the scale of pain. I wish I had had three pains like yours. You tried, had a shot, it didn't work out. It either works...or it does not. That is a 50-50 chance. Great odds if you ask me.

Once, in a casino, I played a roulette machine. It was just quarters. If you bet on black or red, if you chose right 10 times in a row, you hit the jackpot. I suck at anything math and statistics is a strange beast for anyone.

But I hit the jackpot. I bet 10 times varying between black and red. And I won. Compare my 10 right choices in a row to your three failed chances of it working out. Will your bad luck streak go to 10? Or will the fourth girl be the one? Odds are pretty big.

But I am playing with an arm tied behind my back. Personality disorder, ADD, the works. Life and love is stacked against me. I have eights and maybe you have a chance for a flush, maybe.

No man, you don't want to compare, but you definitely don't wanna compare with me.