How do you deal with conflict?

[Tannhauser]

Maybe not even conflict, but just potential disturbances to the social equilibrium. Like letting people know when they do something you don't like.

I don't know if its a INTP-thing, but I feel like this is something I never really mastered. It seems like I'd rather tolerate a lot of bullshit rather than disturb the equilibrium. I have hypothesised that the reason for this is that I cherish a peace of mind more than anything, and stirring up things might force me to use time and energy on dealing with a potential conflict. I want the social stuff to run completely smoothly and let people figure out for themselves how to behave. But clearly, that is often a bit too ambitious to hope for.

For example right now I am in this dilemma. I live on a campus and share a kitchen with some other students. Some of these students seem to not understand the concept of waste sorting. Moments ago I found a fucking frying pan in the food-waste bin. How is that possible? I figured it must be either due to retardation or completely not giving a fuck. Anyway, the point being that I should put up a notice or something telling that person to not put frying pans into the food-waste bin. But pretty quickly this idea dissipated. In the end, it does not seem to be worth it, because it stirs up the equilibrium. But meanwhile, it allows idiots to continue to perpetuate their lack of social responsibility, and knowing this I feel resentment towards myself for not putting up the notice.

Has anyone of you dealt with this kind of feeling?

 

[Sinny91]

Alll the time. I shared a house with a couple of friends of mine last year.

I tend to just do a quick assessment of the situation and follow through on the decision immediately, or lack of decision.

I'm tempted to ask who owns the frying pan, and what law is preventing it from being put in the bin.

But in regards to confrontation in general, if the issue is unlikely to repeat it's self and it doesn't cross a major line I let it slide. If it looks the issue will repeat it's self, it's best to air your concerns as soon as possible, in the most diplomatic way possible. Ignoring the issue will likely cause more trouble further down the line.

If somebody has crossed a major line, I have no issues in taking a stand immediately against the issue.

For the most part tho, I prefer peace and quiet, live and let live.
I'm not exactly one for sticking to the rules myself, and so if I want people to respect that, I have to extend them the same courtesy.

 

[Jennywocky]

Maybe not even conflict, but just potential disturbances to the social equilibrium. Like letting people know when they do something you don't like.

I don't know if its a INTP-thing, but I feel like this is something I never really mastered. It seems like I'd rather tolerate a lot of bullshit rather than disturb the equilibrium. I have hypothesised that the reason for this is that I cherish a peace of mind more than anything, and stirring up things might force me to use time and energy on dealing with a potential conflict. I want the social stuff to run completely smoothly and let people figure out for themselves how to behave. But clearly, that is often a bit too ambitious to hope for.

For example right now I am in this dilemma. I live on a campus and share a kitchen with some other students. Some of these students seem to not understand the concept of waste sorting. Moments ago I found a fucking frying pan in the food-waste bin. How is that possible? I figured it must be either due to retardation or completely not giving a fuck. Anyway, the point being that I should put up a notice or something telling that person to not put frying pans into the food-waste bin. But pretty quickly this idea dissipated. In the end, it does not seem to be worth it, because it stirs up the equilibrium. But meanwhile, it allows idiots to continue to perpetuate their lack of social responsibility, and knowing this I feel resentment towards myself for not putting up the notice.

Has anyone of you dealt with this kind of feeling?

Yeah, I've tolerated/ignored a lot of shit happening around me simply because I wanted to keep my life stable and undisturbed by others.

I mean, realistically, yes, their choices and behaviors DO impact me as well at the beginnings of things, but by not responding to THEM (thus triggering a response in turn) I can simply make my own choices of how I want to deal with it and thus retain a lot of control. But as soon as i come back at someone and challenge them in some way, now they're potentially going to start interfering in my life and I have to deal with a potentially volatile and/or endless amount of tension/interference and perhaps even have them actively trying to disrupt my world as some kind of vendetta.

It's easier just to let a lot go, as my first response.

As far as the frying pan incident goes and similar events, I think where I've gotten is that I'm willing to let something go a few times, and then if it becomes clear that it's becoming a pattern that is disrupting my life, at that point it seems less disruptive to engage.

I've worked on my social skills enough to figure out a considerate or humorous way to approach things, that runs the least amount of risk of blowing up in my face. I also usually have a pretty good idea of the person I'm about to confront, so I know what will set them off and what might work to have them accommodate me. So I play it that way. (On occasion, a combative/"in your face" approach is something I deem to be the most productive, so I've played it that way although it's not my favored response. There are people who won't respect you until you just face off with them and dig in.)

Also, I've figured out that there are just a few people in this world who are gonna be jerks regardless of how I interact with them. So I just don't even bother with them and/or I extricate myself and shut them out afterwards. No sense in fighting a losing battle.

I could guess you could say I play it strategically, to maximize success and minimize lost resources and conflict.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Alll the time. I shared a house with a couple of friends of mine last year.

I tend to just do a quick assessment of the situation and follow through on the decision immediately, or lack of decision.

I'm tempted to ask who owns the frying pan, and what law is preventing it from being put in the bin.

But in regards to confrontation in general, if the issue is unlikely to repeat it's self and it doesn't cross a major line I let it slide. If it looks the issue will repeat it's self, it's best to air your concerns as soon as possible, in the most diplomatic way possible. Ignoring the issue will likely cause more trouble further down the line.

If somebody has crossed a major line, I have no issues in taking a stand immediately against the issue.

For the most part tho, I prefer peace and quiet, live and let live.
I'm not exactly one for sticking to the rules myself, and so if I want people to respect that, I have to extend them the same courtesy.

This.

Esp the diplomatic part.

As INTPs its my understanding that we don't do well in the emotional self awareness arena. Then, when we are forced to confront an emotion, of say frustration or offense, we sort of blow up in a great big overreaction one way or another.

In my case I have a tendency to go full Hulk Tard which is great in the moment but leaves a lot to be desired in terms of desirable long term effects in the social arena.

I've learned over time to:
#1 be aware of my own emotions simmering in the background
#2 slowly maintain this awareness at all times and all places
#3 When I start becoming aware of an uncomfortable situation someone else is putting me in because of their idiocy, unthoughtfulness, callousness, etc etc
#4 proceed slowly without haste
#5 think think think about all the various options for action/ in action and play out the scenarios in my head as far as if I do A that will probably result in B etc
#6 slowly select the best option on how to proceed and implement it.

The other day a colleague at work, who I care about deeply in fact I consider him one of my best mates, he is quite a bit younger and inexperienced in the office environment, turned on his music in the background.

Extremely distracting.

At first I was so annoyed I found myself getting angry. My first thought, "what does he think, we are god damn automobile mechanics working in some two bit carshop?!!"

I implemented the above steps, though, and it all was worked out in a pleasant fashion.

Thinking about it now though I am still angry/ frustrated that I had to deal with the whole annoyance in the first place. Waste of time and energy basically. Don't know how to not get annoyed with the thought of someone willfully annoying me

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Yeah, I've tolerated/ignored a lot of shit happening around me simply because I wanted to keep my life stable and undisturbed by others.

I mean, realistically, yes, their choices and behaviors DO impact me as well at the beginnings of things, but by not responding to THEM (thus triggering a response in turn) I can simply make my own choices of how I want to deal with it and thus retain a lot of control. But as soon as i come back at someone and challenge them in some way, now they're potentially going to start interfering in my life and I have to deal with a potentially volatile and/or endless amount of tension/interference and perhaps even have them actively trying to disrupt my world as some kind of vendetta.

It's easier just to let a lot go, as my first response.

As far as the frying pan incident goes and similar events, I think where I've gotten is that I'm willing to let something go a few times, and then if it becomes clear that it's becoming a pattern that is disrupting my life, at that point it seems less disruptive to engage.

I've worked on my social skills enough to figure out a considerate or humorous way to approach things, that runs the least amount of risk of blowing up in my face. I also usually have a pretty good idea of the person I'm about to confront, so I know what will set them off and what might work to have them accommodate me. So I play it that way. (On occasion, a combative/"in your face" approach is something I deem to be the most productive, so I've played it that way although it's not my favored response. There are people who won't respect you until you just face off with them and dig in.)

Also, I've figured out that there are just a few people in this world who are gonna be jerks regardless of how I interact with them. So I just don't even bother with them and/or I extricate myself and shut them out afterwards. No sense in fighting a losing battle.

I could guess you could say I play it strategically, to maximize success and minimize lost resources and conflict.

This.

When confronting other people (usually any social interaction, even the most innocent, is viewed as a 'confrontation' for non 100% INTPs) they assume you are a threat to their EGO.

Egos are like eggs. Very fragile. And rotten inside. Handle them with care.

Once in a great while, an egg will contain a velociraptor baby though. Reducing these eggs to atomic dust at first sight is the only option.

 

[Grayman]

This.

When confronting other people (usually any social interaction is viewed as a confrontation for non 100% INTPs) they assume you are a threat to their EGO.

Egos are like eggs. Very fragile. And rotten inside. Handle them with care.

Maybe we should all keep our egos in the fridge... IDK, just saying.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Maybe we should all keep our egos in the fridge... IDK, just saying.

 

[Terror]

I like my ego scrambled with a side of bacon and coffee

 

[Hadoblado]

Depends on how accountable they can be held i.e. how well I know them.

If they I know them and they are forced to deal with me, I slowly exert pressure until they stop (passive aggression). I'm often not overt about this, but can be. If they then confront me it's a pretty easy shutdown since they've just demonstrated that they expect respect but don't give it. I do this a lot at work to a particularly lazy coworker(he's absolutely fucking shocking).

If they don't know me they basically can't be held accountable, so environmental control is more important. If I don't want kids coming and blowing up my letter box I make my letterbox less obvious, and less satisfyingly explodable (not a real example).

With the kitchen example, I've done things like having my own small set of cups/bowls/cutlery/pot/pan that I kept in a draw in my room. That way I didn't actually have to deal with other people acting stupid with shared resources (this was in a sharehouse some 10 years ago). It's just damage control really. At an absolute minimum you need to prevent them from benefiting from your preference: do not under any circumstance clean up after them, because then you're their doormat and you're encouraging them to treat you poorly.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I choose the approach according to the situation.

I'm confrontational when it can bring results, I will avoid problems if the situation won't change due to my objection.

In your case, you are probably going to be living with those people for a long time. You should get used to the dorm students being some of the most irresponsible and filthy creatures on this planet. Pointing out their issues may aggravate your relations and they may be in a position to cause many problems to you in the future.

In a group situation I'd wait for the opportunity to voice my disapproval, if there was a risk I didn't want to take. If I saw someone else mentioning the frying pan I'd try to gain their support and confront the person having the majority. Or maybe point out the issue anonymously.

Solutions to conflicts depend on the number of people involved and their goals. Most of the time people just want to get by, so if you have a specific problem you can usually negotiate a solution. Solutions can't go too much against their way of living or they will become unresponsive. If they are unresponsive you have to hold an advantage of some sort to make them comply.

It gets really ugly, best to avoid persuasion and force whenever possible.