INTP interaction manual, part Deux-

[MissQuote]

I can't help but think that an interaction manual giving INTP's decent advice on how to not come off as complete arrogant, neurotic, anti-social dips all the time might be helpful. (these thoughts in light of the many other threads that crop up and float around here on how to most optimally interact with an INTP)

Yes, of course, there is the whole "Assuming we care?" thing. Really though, no matter where on the graph of serious to tongue in cheek any of this lands, an entire half of the equation is missing. The above aforementioned half.

One cannot expect the world to constantly cater to there own whims and get satisfactory results.

That said, some initial thoughts to help reduce the annoyance of interacting with those that seem to care so much to keep bugging an INTP with attempts at friendship of all manors (though not given with the assumption that these things are unknown):

-when you are lost in thought and someone asks you "What's wrong?" or the like, coming out of your revere long enough to remember to smile, make brief focusing eye contact and perhaps even give them a hand squeeze when you say "Nothing, I was just thinking." can be very helpful in both reassuring them you really are Okay as well they will begin to recognize that you are being truthful about the matter after having this pattern repeat often enough.

-If you are in a mind frame to actually have a conversation when someone tears you from thoughts, but not necessarily a conversation about what you were thinking about then asking a simple question referencing anything they have mentioned to you recently that you could listen about without succumbing to droning boredom over is a good way to reassure them more that you really are in a perfectly fine mood and appreciate them noticing you and saying hello (translate "what's wrong" to "hello, how are you doing? I'm noticing you right now and am interested in exchanging some pleasantries")

-People actually tend to appreciate it when you kindly and neutrally tell them something they do bothers you, or something they do makes you happy, with a simple explanation why. They feel like you are sharing and that you care.

-It is okay to say nice things to people in a way that expresses feeling even if you are not actually feeling that thing. If you think that thing to be true about them, then there is no reason to try to explain the difference between that you think it to be true and you feel it to be true. For example, someone is telling you an empathetic story, you are not actually feeling anything over the story, but you do think that the way they described what they did, or what happened was very kind of them. saying "You really are a kind person." is truthful even if you are not actually feeling emotionally touched by the kindness they displayed. Or if they are telling you something awful that happened where someone was a jerk to them it is truthful to say "Wow. What an asshole." even if you aren't actually feeling any indignation towards the person, and even if you can see the flaws in the way the person telling you the story reacted. Just because there are flaws in their own behavior does not mean that the other person was not in fact an asshole, and just because you have just been filled to the brim with advice on on their own flaws in the situation after hearing it does not mean that it is untruthful to wait a little longer before you point out the ways they could have done things better.

-In debate, when playing devils advocate, and the other person seems to be getting agitated or defensive, taking notice of their changes in mood and pause to say you value their input and not to take what you are saying too serious, as you are in fact playing devils advocate and they are helping you to see things from different angles right now.




.............

As a beginning I think that is enough.

This isn't meant as instructions on how to behave, simply some observations I have have made on how to get along with others better and the sorts of things that reduce the stress of interacting with those you come into contact with frequently based on my own interactions with other people.

None of this either, is meant as though others were not aware of these things. Perhaps these things are actually obvious and very silly of me to point out at all.

 

[Duxwing]

The guide sounds great. I like the tone and ideas, and some of the concepts you've mentioned seem entirely foreign to me; given that I'm an NT in an SJ world, such concepts ought to sound foreign. The guide is so good, in fact, that running it through Microsoft Word or another word processor would be worthwhile: your spelling errors, although infrequent, are jarring.

Another tip that I'd like to add is that exchanging pleasantries, like high-fives, hellos, and other such greetings, builds good relationships with anyone but the anti-social. Although such activities seem redundant when viewed from the perspective of acknowledging another's existence (death and absence is infrequent) saying hello to someone in the hall shows that you acknowledge them. Moreover, one can observe that repeated, unsolicited hellos, high-fives, and other pleasantries when combined with talking to someone, will eventually cause them to say "hello" without your prompting. I've yet to comprehend the thoughts and emotions that drive this behavior, but I find it nonetheless pleasant when someone notices me.

A further idea that I'd like to put forward is saying "How are you?" like you mean it-- eye contact, body language, tone of voice, the works. Those with whom you've established close(r) relations with will often tell you how their days have been-- potentially to humorous or touching results! We all like to talk about ourselves, and asking "How are you?" with the intent and time to listen and discuss the response can give you insight into a person whom you find interesting.

-Duxwing

 

[TheScornedReflex]

I like coming across as arrogant, neurotic and anti social. It means I can avoid unwanted 'people' distractions. Small talk is boring when you know what people are going to say and ultimately where the conversation is going to go. The bonus is I do get to refine my manipulation technique.

 

[redbaron]

-People actually tend to appreciate it when you kindly and neutrally tell them something they do bothers you, or something they do makes you happy, with a simple explanation why. They feel like you are sharing and that you care.

This is true I've found. I used to be disgruntled when people interrupted my thoughts, but I started taking a different approach sort of like, 'I was thinking happily to myself about X, and you just interrupted my train of thought. *slightly exaggerated sigh* But it's cool(lie), I like your company(lie), so what's up?(don't really care).'

Usually they're somewhat apologetic at having interrupted my train of thought, and now that they know I quite honestly enjoy and am happy just sitting there thinking to myself, they tend not to interrupt as often - however I've noticed they ask what I was thinking about when I do come out of my reverie.

It's led to some interesting discussions on topics with some people I thought wouldn't have a clue what they're talking about.

 

[Etheri]

-In debate, when playing devils advocate, and the other person seems to be getting agitated or defensive, taking notice of their changes in mood and pause to say you value their input and not to take what you are saying too serious, as you are in fact playing devils advocate and they are helping you to see things from different angles right now.

A lot of people do not like to debate and cannot see the diffrence between debates and arguments. It's not entirely bad, because they're typically absolutely terrible at debating either way. That being said, it still bothers me. But, tl dr, you're right D:

 

[MissQuote]

I have a terrible habit of making topics here and then never replying back to any one who reply's to them, I blame it on a combination of needing to think on the reply's given coupled with a tendency to not check the forum for a week or two often. I apologize for that and I do appreciate the thoughts people give even if I do not say anything after they give them.

I find it interesting to observe my own discomfort in social situations, and to observe others ease then play at copying them and seeing the reaction difference when I take effort to behave with the same pleasantries that others behave with, if only people could see into my head to understand just how much I am making things up and not actually feeling that smile I am giving or those words I am forcing myself to say, lord they would find me a freak. To an extent it is like being two selves at once, the one I am observing the one I am pretending to be and the one I am pretending to be aware of the snickering and dispassionate amusement of the one watching.

 

[Cavallier]

"What's wrong?" I get that fairly often even from people that know me well. If it's just an acquaintance the tactic MissQ suggested works well. For close friends and my husband not so much. They know its bullshit. I return their question with a "Why?". When they tell me what I'm doing physically that's bothering them I try to adjust how I appear to them by opening up my body language and posture. I tell them it's been a long day or I didn't sleep well. I often have insomnia so its a ready excuse. My husband says I look like I'm putting up walls which is ironic coming from an ENTJ. I do try to be honest and reassuring to people I care about and superficially reassuring to people I don't.

I think that attempting to look genuine is the key. Smiling helps in my case. All really basic stuff really. Being INTP doesn't equate being socially incompetent. Its just low priority for us.

 

[Jennywocky]

-when you are lost in thought and someone asks you "What's wrong?" or the like, coming out of your revere long enough to remember to smile, make brief focusing eye contact and perhaps even give them a hand squeeze when you say "Nothing, I was just thinking." can be very helpful in both reassuring them you really are Okay as well they will begin to recognize that you are being truthful about the matter after having this pattern repeat often enough.

Agreed. It's simply a cue to let others know that you heard them. It's part of relating. If one looks at it as a practical thing as part of how to "keep a relationship working," then it's sensible. If I was locked in a box trying to understand my surroundings and could not sense anything, I'd get confused; what we are doing is providing information to someone living in a relational sphere looking for understanding of us.

-It is okay to say nice things to people in a way that expresses feeling even if you are not actually feeling that thing.

Totally agreed. I say some feeling things based on what I *think* and not necessarily what I'm feeling. I always dealt with "love" better as a commitment and set of principles rather than emotions per se, as emotions are variable but principles are consistent.


Anyway, some great overall "framing" advice on relating.