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The Official Shit Competition

Rook

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I need to know that you can get a good grip on my....beard of course. We wouldn't want you to fall. Would you say you are plump in your build...I do like ....eh...worry about my beard and all with how brittle it is. You should bring some spices up too? It will be good for my meal.


I am quite plump, but I guess I can take the stairs. Spice-wise I guess some seafood seasoning with a touch of pepper will do the trick.
But seeing as you have no food what will you....No! No! By Horus, are you going to eat... going to eat imaginary food? That is unbearable! I hate it when people do that. Perhaps I can bring a fine cut of meat? Then at least there will be no torturing me with imaginary shashimi.
 

OldCoyote

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@Noddy

Why not the white babies, you racist pig..:D

The black baby skins make the best lampshades though, they give the room that dark ambiance.:eek:
 

Cherry Cola

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I grabbed one side of her hair, I started circling around her. I heard her telling me to stop but I ignored it. Funnily, she could do little to stop me what with my arms being far longer than hers. Soon I was dragging her about the apartment, I would make swift turns and she had to try to follow as best as she could. I would lift my arm up high and she'd have to stand on her toes to prevent her hair from being ripped off. It was a strange thing what was going on, we'd been arguing, it had been awful. All the time I just had this feeling that she wasn't getting it. And the feeling kept growing, it expanded in all directions conceptually, physically. It was a tense yet wild buzz filling my body gradually making - not my heartbeat, but something more primal. She didn't understand because her fault was in her making, her flow was not that of a pond - it's fluids advancing in essentially one direction -, but one of disproportionate as well as irregular bursts, the flow of it being if anything, merely the silence in between the eruptions. There is a fundamental Eco to all things, no one wave thrown on a beach did recede without- and if even only insignificantly - shaping it, there is no iron that isn't hot enough to burn a mark into anything forever. I could see it in images and thoughts flashing. Dog shit boots on a carpet, a crowd chanting "Jump! Jump!" til it happened; the non moving eyes of a parrot clawing it's way into the nest of another vigorously consuming the hatch-ling laying helplessly there. She did not understand because she was this, this fundamental ugly. Upon the realization I regained my senses.

Still I had her on her toes, holding her hair up high. When I let go she fell instantly on the floor. I think not only because she was not prepared, but because her physical being naturally had to swing the other way. Where has been tension there must be release, like a swing of a pendulum, or a wind up toy soldier, she could but succumb yet again, receding; this time there was no sand on the beach that hadn't been sucked back and under, all sharp rocks and little stones what remained, nothing for a living thing to lie on but living things make their own beds, or so they say. It was happening to me as well, but I wasn't done here, and still didn't fully get just what was going on or down for that matter. But I could feel the noise, the thought of all the ugliness sent ripples of cringey sensations across my back up my neck and into me; pumping shit.

I grabbed her hair again, both hands this time. Practically lifted her of the floor. Oh the scream, a piercing falsetto wail with genuine terror in it. My ears rang for a good minute. This time I just held her before me, brushed her out of her face and looked into her eyes. I think I must've had a curious look in my face, she didn't say a word and her eyes didn't dare meet mine for more than but a second at a time, spending as she did most of the instant looking down and to the side, awkwardly shifting her the position of her head. Gradually or just at some point, my grip must've softened without me noticing, for suddenly she slipped away, and in the same moment started crying. I think I just stood there, probably started biting my nails after a while, still with that same curious look. They came and picked up her stuff the next day.
 

NoID10ts

aka Noddy
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I grabbed one side of her hair, I started circling around her. I heard her telling me to stop but I ignored it. Funnily, she could do little to stop me what with my arms being far longer than hers. Soon I was dragging her about the apartment, I would make swift turns and she had to try to follow as best as she could. I would lift my arm up high and she'd have to stand on her toes to prevent her hair from being ripped off. It was a strange thing what was going on, we'd been arguing, it had been awful. All the time I just had this feeling that she wasn't getting it. And the feeling kept growing, it expanded in all directions conceptually, physically. It was a tense yet wild buzz filling my body gradually making - not my heartbeat, but something more primal. She didn't understand because her fault was in her making, her flow was not that of a pond - it's fluids advancing in essentially one direction -, but one of disproportionate as well as irregular bursts, the flow of it being if anything, merely the silence in between the eruptions. There is a fundamental Eco to all things, no one wave thrown on a beach did recede without- and if even only insignificantly - shaping it, there is no iron that isn't hot enough to burn a mark into anything forever. I could see it in images and thoughts flashing. Dog shit boots on a carpet, a crowd chanting "Jump! Jump!" til it happened; the non moving eyes of a parrot clawing it's way into the nest of another vigorously consuming the hatch-ling laying helplessly there. She did not understand because she was this, this fundamental ugly. Upon the realization I regained my senses.

Still I had her on her toes, holding her hair up high. When I let go she fell instantly on the floor. I think not only because she was not prepared, but because her physical being naturally had to swing the other way. Where has been tension there must be release, like a swing of a pendulum, or a wind up toy soldier, she could but succumb yet again, receding; this time there was no sand on the beach that hadn't been sucked back and under, all sharp rocks and little stones what remained, nothing for a living thing to lie on but living things make their own beds, or so they say. It was happening to me as well, but I wasn't done here, and still didn't fully get just what was going on or down for that matter. But I could feel the noise, the thought of all the ugliness sent ripples of cringey sensations across my back up my neck and into me; pumping shit.

I grabbed her hair again, both hands this time. Practically lifted her of the floor. Oh the scream, a piercing falsetto wail with genuine terror in it. My ears rang for a good minute. This time I just held her before me, brushed her out of her face and looked into her eyes. I think I must've had a curious look in my face, she didn't say a word and her eyes didn't dare meet mine for more than but a second at a time, spending as she did most of the instant looking down and to the side, awkwardly shifting her the position of her head. Gradually or just at some point, my grip must've softened without me noticing, for suddenly she slipped away, and in the same moment started crying. I think I just stood there, probably started biting my nails after a while, still with that same curious look. They came and picked up her stuff the next day.

So... did you come away with clumps of her hair? If so, did you make little baby booties out of it? If so, can I have the baby?
 

BigApplePi

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Sticking strictly on topic. When I was on the RagingBull forum a banned poster had the freedom to post whatever he wanted. He had access to some research vehicle I did not and was made good use of it. He posted picture after picture of the contents of toilets BEFORE they were flushed. I had never seen the like and my head was filled (Si) with the smell coming right through my video screen. I'm not going to try a search for it cuz I don't think I'd find it.

Furthermore can't recall from the OP if visuals are allowed, but if they are I think this would be a good candidate for winning the contest else high in the runnerups. Who are the judges anyway?:confused:
 

Jennywocky

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I grabbed one side of her hair, I started circling around her. I heard her telling me to stop but I ignored it. Funnily, she could do little to stop me what with my arms being far longer than hers. Soon I was dragging her about the apartment, I would make swift turns and she had to try to follow as best as she could. I would lift my arm up high and she'd have to stand on her toes to prevent her hair from being ripped off. It was a strange thing what was going on, we'd been arguing, it had been awful. All the time I just had this feeling that she wasn't getting it. And the feeling kept growing, it expanded in all directions conceptually, physically. It was a tense yet wild buzz filling my body gradually making - not my heartbeat, but something more primal. She didn't understand because her fault was in her making, her flow was not that of a pond - it's fluids advancing in essentially one direction -, but one of disproportionate as well as irregular bursts, the flow of it being if anything, merely the silence in between the eruptions. There is a fundamental Eco to all things, no one wave thrown on a beach did recede without- and if even only insignificantly - shaping it, there is no iron that isn't hot enough to burn a mark into anything forever. I could see it in images and thoughts flashing. Dog shit boots on a carpet, a crowd chanting "Jump! Jump!" til it happened; the non moving eyes of a parrot clawing it's way into the nest of another vigorously consuming the hatch-ling laying helplessly there. She did not understand because she was this, this fundamental ugly. Upon the realization I regained my senses.

Still I had her on her toes, holding her hair up high. When I let go she fell instantly on the floor. I think not only because she was not prepared, but because her physical being naturally had to swing the other way. Where has been tension there must be release, like a swing of a pendulum, or a wind up toy soldier, she could but succumb yet again, receding; this time there was no sand on the beach that hadn't been sucked back and under, all sharp rocks and little stones what remained, nothing for a living thing to lie on but living things make their own beds, or so they say. It was happening to me as well, but I wasn't done here, and still didn't fully get just what was going on or down for that matter. But I could feel the noise, the thought of all the ugliness sent ripples of cringey sensations across my back up my neck and into me; pumping shit.

I grabbed her hair again, both hands this time. Practically lifted her of the floor. Oh the scream, a piercing falsetto wail with genuine terror in it. My ears rang for a good minute. This time I just held her before me, brushed her out of her face and looked into her eyes. I think I must've had a curious look in my face, she didn't say a word and her eyes didn't dare meet mine for more than but a second at a time, spending as she did most of the instant looking down and to the side, awkwardly shifting her the position of her head. Gradually or just at some point, my grip must've softened without me noticing, for suddenly she slipped away, and in the same moment started crying. I think I just stood there, probably started biting my nails after a while, still with that same curious look. They came and picked up her stuff the next day.

You're talking about Chuckesmee, aren't you?

[bimgx=400]http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/blogs/movietalk/2bb02c22-3955-4b29-8c57-949a12bb8ff7_chuckesmee.jpg[/bimgx]
 

Rook

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@BAP
The competition is a scam, it only exists to trick us into revealing our darks sides for blackmail/amusement/ideas for a novel.

You are your own judge, filled with regret as you witness the black bile flowing from your mind, through your fingers and unto this hellish thread. Then you collapse, the sickness consuming you, blood forcing it's way out of your throat. You cough, and try to close your mouth, yet it flows onwards. Finally, you press a knife against your throat, and shove it into your windpipe. You gasp, a gurgling sound escaping your lips. Slowly life fades from you, yet you still feel something. You feel aroused. With the last spasms of life escaping your body, you smile.

So, in conclusion, no I don't think there are any rules.
 

Cherry Cola

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You're talking about Chuckesmee, aren't you?

[bimgx=400]http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/blogs/movietalk/2bb02c22-3955-4b29-8c57-949a12bb8ff7_chuckesmee.jpg[/bimgx]

Nah I just pictured some wacko semi-psychopath schizotypal dude projecting crap on his poor overly loyal girlfriend who had been staying by his side for too long.

But hey your suggestion works as well. But aren't you a little old to be into twillight?

This picture comes to mind ; )

Twilight%20Moms.jpeg


Goddamnit I wanna write more excerpts about violence and rape and sick stuff, when it comes to such subjects it always feels like I can take my train of thought to infinity and beyond. I wonder if that's a good thing though, one time I had a fucking panic attack when I was thinking about a bunch of small birds who had to escape through some tube only to be eaten by this disgusting large albatross-like bird waiting at the end of the tube. It would just gulp them down like nothing, like it just had to be done and it all feels like a machinery of sorts, like it's all lawbound down to a qualic level by some sinister everpresent substance that's woven into the ether. Man running marathons on them sentences am I.

This thought used to bother me a lot more back when I did psychedelics though.
 

Jennywocky

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To be honest, I've only yet ever watched about 28 minutes of one Twilight movie (the first one). Blech. Not terrible, I've seen worse, but I stayed far away from the rest.

If it matters, The Host movie was far worse.
(Which is sad, as the book -- the only one I've read by the author -- was actually better.)
 

Cherry Cola

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I watched the first twillight film when I was 18 and I sort of liked it. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Then I watched the second with some relatives and boy was it bad. I mean the first one wasn't even really good, it just struck a chord with me and for it's intended audience it was probably neato. But the second one... man what a fucking train wreck. The one good sequence was when they played Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke during some kind of chase scene in the woods.
 

walfin

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Star Trek is the worst series ever created. Seriously, live long and prosper? As if any living species should live long. As if any living species is not a parasite on any planet. And Beam me up, Scotty? Why does only one person get to do the beaming? And the show's not even in Klingon.

Damn, why do those INTP numskulls like Star Trek?
 

BigApplePi

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Star Trek is the worst series ever created.
Are you talkin' the original Star Trek ... the one with William Shatner before he filled out? I saw it when it was virgin territory. I used to love that show (unconsciously) for its social values. Now it's dated. Could it be those social values have disappeared into modern culture?

I've never seen the modern Star Trek. Am I missing anything?
 

nanook

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now we are talking shit about star trek. shit competition thread is getting intense. :D

love twilight, btw. kristen stewart falling for the undead. my kind of fantasy.
 

Brontosaurie

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grayman your picture is unrealistic. she would be able to identify the object as a gun, or at least something other than her hair dryer, by way of tactile sensation. glaring plot hole. the plot is one big hole. i feel a huge disappointment.
 

Grayman

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grayman your picture is unrealistic. she would be able to identify the object as a gun, or at least something other than her hair dryer, by way of tactile sensation. glaring plot hole. the plot is one big hole. i feel a huge disappointment.

I chose to ignore the hole because it made my subjective well being a little more warm, come on learn a little forced ignorance.
 

Jennywocky

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When I get my cat carrier, should I put a french tickler on the end of that thing? It looks rather uncomfortable.

PS. Does it work for babies too?
 

Brontosaurie

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I chose to ignore the hole because it made my subjective well being a little more warm, common learn a little forced ignorance.

they could have easily made it more realistic by putting more realism in it.
 

Grayman

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When I get my cat carrier, should I put a french tickler on the end of that thing? It looks rather uncomfortable.

PS. Does it work for babies too?

I don't know but when they get older it makes for good birth and std control. Both ends are protected while providing relief for the common needs for those who prefer it in the...
 

OldCoyote

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they could have easily made it more realistic by putting more realism in it.

How?

Obviously the weight of the revolver would be a factor, also it looks like a single action so she would have to pull the hammer back before blow drying. In your opinion, what's the most viable set up to make this work? I could use shit like this.;)
 

Brontosaurie

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she could have some perceptual deficits, due to a developmental disorder, brain trauma or some kind of inebriation. this information must be included in the picture. creating a breeding ground for the suspension of disbelief is a responsibility of the creator, not the consumer.
 

Brontosaurie

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i think inception has a healthy relationship to its own premises, it's not overly reliant on them as its sequence of events is structurally intriguing and its content emotionally engaging.
 

Cherry Cola

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Yes the morphology of the interrelated events is intriguing. But in a basal way, sort of like a new fun toy, once you figure out all you can do with it, which in this allegory should be pretty quick, there's not much left to be fascinated by. Film's got good pacing and classic action tho which saves it.

It's biggest flaw and the reason I brought it up is that on an emotional level it's very dull. Everything hinges on a relationship which is portrayed in an impressionistic often purely visual way. You have to fill in the blanks to get any sort of chemistry process going on there.

I've no idea why Dicaprio was so mad about the girl, they both had like 0 personality, though in the case of Dicaprio it seemed to be because he was busy achieving in goals. Red letter media chanting gets dull quick, but in this case it is warranted; why should I care bout these people? Their relationship is nothing, there's no reason for me to believe it.

creating a breeding ground for the suspension of disbelief is a responsibility of the creator, not the consumer.

Ellen Page is also a boring fucking character who doesn't seem believable.

It is clearly a 6/10 possible 7/8 movie, I can't believe you gave it 8, you cretin. May thine Salamander be ressurected only to be consumed by vicious mudskippers in a terrible event.
 

Grayman

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she could have some perceptual deficits, due to a developmental disorder, brain trauma or some kind of inebriation. this information must be included in the picture. creating a breeding ground for the suspension of disbelief is a responsibility of the creator, not the consumer.

I didn't post the picture because of the unrealistic attempt at murder as that is an every day occurance in marriage. What really scared me was how ugly that bathroom was!
 

Cherry Cola

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I didn't post the picture because of the unrealistic attempt at murder as that is an every day occurance in marriage. What really scared me was how ugly that bathroom was!

Yeah, it kept me from noticing that the husband doesn't even have a mouth until now. Like wtf, that's total horror movie stuff, imagine not having a mouth or being approached by someone without one, the result would be a rapid onset of panic á total in both cases.
 

Grayman

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Yes the morphology of the interrelated events is intriguing. But in a basal way, sort of like a new fun toy, once you figure out all you can do with it, which in this allegory should be pretty quick, there's not much left to be fascinated by. Film's got good pacing and classic action tho which saves it.

It's biggest flaw and the reason I brought it up is that on an emotional level it's very dull. Everything hinges on a relationship which is portrayed in an impressionistic often purely visual way. You have to fill in the blanks to get any sort of chemistry process going on there.

I've no idea why Dicaprio was so mad about the girl, they both had like 0 personality, though in the case of Dicaprio it seemed to be because he was busy achieving in goals. Red letter media chanting gets dull quick, but in this case it is warranted; why should I care bout these people? Their relationship is nothing, there's no reason for me to believe it.

creating a breeding ground for the suspension of disbelief is a responsibility of the creator, not the consumer.

Ellen Page is also a boring fucking character who doesn't seem believable.

It is clearly a 6/10 possible 7/8 movie, I can't believe you gave it 8, you cretin. May thine Salamander be ressurected only to be consumed by vicious mudskippers in a terrible event.

I forget people watch movies for emotional value. For me, it just needs to peek my curiosity and keep it.
 

Brontosaurie

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there's now a conflict between my sarcastic criticism of grayman's picture and my honest disinterest in believability as evidenced by my fondness of "inception". damn you cc.

to me the first half of the movie set the stage very efficiently, introducing the concepts of dream sharing and hinting at various dilemmas surrounding it. the second half was more linear and action-oriented, yet retaining the plot sufficiently.

regarding the relationship between dicaprio and that hot chick: is it so hard to believe there exists a bond between two people? it clearly wasn't intended as the meat of the story but rather as a framework. i think the climax resolved it in a cool way.

7/8 is more than 8/10 :P
 

Cherry Cola

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Emotions are curious things and interrelationships are insurmountably complex items which can not be readily rendered in basal deductive logical terms as is Nolan's overly heuristic (it's only acceptably believable because the movie is a decent action/thriller flick in essence) and reductive dream-traveling system. The fact that he wrote an essays on it deserves to spur many luls imo.

The dreams he portrays are nothing like dreams and the imagery used to create "dreamy" atmosphere is stereotypical as fuck and even less interesting than Salvador Dalís ditto which has been around for ages.

The movie, like most of his films, demonstrates that Nolan is not a mature director yet. He needs to start thinking holistically and stop his tunnel visioning masturbatory focus on creating "wow" by mixing action and pseudointellectual crap. He does that pretty good, but if you want a film to be taken seriously you need to do more.

The case is the same with the latest Batman film, only he fucked up the pacing and a bunch of other crap there in addition to the aforementioned.
 

Brontosaurie

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it's the writer nolan that's immature. as a director he's very accomplished and full-fledged.

his dreams are nothing like dreams, that's correct. i didn't take the film as an attempt to render dreams realistically but rather as an exploration of planes of reality in a stricter sense, within the trope of action-thriller.

could it be you're misjudging nolan's intentions and overestimating his pretentions? or perhaps i'm underestimating them.
 

Cherry Cola

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Bronto: The film is dishonestly packaged as "serious business and deep shit", and probably intended as such by Nolan though. Problem is it doesn't have the elements to be one, it's not an holistic construct.

What he should've done for starters was to start the film of with ambiguously showing some of the dream world while establishing Dicaprio's and his spouse whatever she was calleds relationship. As that relationship is indeed the framework, it's a shame that it was such a poor framework.

Instead Nolan choose to open it Bond style, and only later goes on to haphazardly dealing with what could've made it a truly great film.

But there are other flaws as well, and they share a general character. They have to do with the characters. They are dull as fuck and fail to stand out. Dicaprio's protagonist is exempted from this critique. But that is solely owing to his skill as an actor and does not lessen Nolan's filmmakery misdoings whatsoever.

Page plays the worst of them. She is so fucking flat and boring, Nolans way of making her cool and interesting is simply telling the audience that she is fucking grade a smart explicitly; whereafter he fails to portray her as such. God the superficiality.
 

Grayman

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Emotions are curious things and interrelationships are insurmountably complex items which can not be readily rendered in basal deductive logical terms as is Nolan's overly heuristic (it's only acceptably believable because the movie is a decent action/thriller flick in essence) and reductive dream-traveling system. The fact that he wrote an essays on it deserves to spur many luls imo.

The dreams he portrays are nothing like dreams and the imagery used to create "dreamy" atmosphere is stereotypical as fuck and even less interesting than Salvador Dalís ditto which has been around for ages.

The movie, like most of his films, demonstrates that Nolan is not a mature director yet. He needs to start thinking holistically and stop his tunnel visioning masturbatory focus on creating "wow" by mixing action and pseudointellectual crap. He does that pretty good, but if you want a film to be taken seriously you need to do more.

The case is the same with the latest Batman film, only he fucked up the pacing and a bunch of other crap there in addition to the aforementioned.


I do find emotions curious but I have a hard time of accepting acting as a good indicator of the emotions of real people.
 

Brontosaurie

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Bronto: The film is dishonestly packaged as "serious business and deep shit", and probably intended as such by Nolan though. Problem is it doesn't have the elements to be one, it's not an holistic construct.

What he should've done for starters was to start the film of with ambiguously showing some of the dream world while establishing Dicaprio's and his spouse whatever she was calleds relationship. As that relationship is indeed the framework, it's a shame that it was such a poor framework.

Instead Nolan choose to open it Bond style, and only later goes on to haphazardly dealing with what could've made it a truly great film.

But there are other flaws as well, and they share a general character. They have to do with the characters. They are dull as fuck and fail to stand out. Dicaprio's protagonist is exempted from this critique. But that is solely owing to his skill as an actor and does not lessen Nolan's filmmakery misdoings whatsoever.

Page plays the worst of them. She is so fucking flat and boring, Nolans way of making her cool and interesting is simply telling the audience that she is fucking grade a smart explicitly; whereafter he fails to portray her as such. God the superficiality.

i agree with pretty much everything you say. it's mostly about priorities, evidently.
 

Jennywocky

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The case is the same with the latest Batman film, only he fucked up the pacing and a bunch of other crap there in addition to the aforementioned.

Ah. TDKR. Such a movie of lost opportunity and complete eff up.

If I have to pick my fave Nolan movie, it would either be Memento or (more likely) The Prestige.

PS. That's not very fair, beating up Inception merely as a way to beat up Bronto. How else did Inception get mentioned in this thread? There are elements of Inception I really do like [usually involving Cillian Murphy or Marion Cotillard], but I think it's hemmed in by its own structural and tonal flaws.
 

Brontosaurie

Banned
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i thought "shit competition" meant "just bicker about anything here" :S

don't feel very beaten tho, i haveter say
 

Grayman

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i thought "shit competition" meant "just bicker about anything here" :S

don't feel very beaten tho, i haveter say

It needs to contain fucking profanity. That the real shit. Fuck!
 

Jennywocky

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It needs to contain fucking profanity. That the real shit. Fuck!

i'm soooo fucking sorry, damn.

fuck.

My ears! My ears!!!

[bimgx=400]http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/952708/98566703/stock-photo-smiling-girl-covers-ears-98566703.jpg[/bimgx]

... I mean, my EYES, my EYES! :facepalm:
 
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