Exactly. This whole "changing" other people thing never made much sense to me because in order to change anyone's behavior the decision has to be made in their own head.
If I want to help someone, I keep this idea in mind. I provide information to the person I want to change based on their personality. For instance the info, or at least the context of the info, given to a thinker would be very different from a feeler, or perhaps based on someone's preference to think of the past vs present vs future. I try my best not to create an air of hostility or pushiness or w/e. Depending on if I care more or less about someone depends on how much of this I do. Even if I do care a lot about someone I do not persist, this information giving phase isn't long.
Is this manipulative? Yes, and the word manipulative has strong negative connotations to it, but I don't believe I'm using manipulation for a corrupting purpose. I don't do it for greed or intolerance, I do it because I care. Writing that sounds so funny but it's true. I think I may be a bit arrogant, but I accept people for who they are and don't try to force my opinions down other people's throats, just plant a seed. If they decide their current actions are more important than my suggestions, that's fine.
edit:
I don't try to dictate precisely what people are, I just provide feedback and let them change themselves.
The way i do this is basically 'lead by example'
I actually usually act more like this. The above stuff I wrote is in more extreme cases such when someone is leading a very unhealthy and detrimental (in my eyes) lifestyle.
Although i feel uneasy about the very concept of making judgements about what constitutes good or desirable behaviour and even more uneasy about attempting to modify others' behaviour i do it in certain circumstances - usually to friends/loved one and sometimes to people whose company is unavoidable - workmates, family and so on.
I tend to feel more uneasy after giving out information I believed to be true because I feel an elevated importance for that information to be valid.
Actually it is how i learned many of life's lessons - just by observation of others more developed, rational, considerate etc etc than myself at whichever time of my life.
I feel a strong desire to learn on my own and I feel that it has been good for me, but I also feel I need to find role-models I can benefit from being around that fit my situation, which I think this forum will do quite nicely.
I think one of the reasons it might be successful is that you are not directly confronting someone with the attitude ' i have judged that your behaviour is bad' which often just leads to their feeling defensive/angy/upset which is usually very unproductive and ends in resentment
I try to be indirect, not as much as your strategy (which I will ponder implementing), and try to offend as little as possible.
This is all you really can do, trying to force someone to change is a sign of the "helpers" own subconscious problems.
They mirror their own faults onto others and try to deal with it as a problem having nothing to do with themselves. Everyone does this as it is a pretty safe/comfortable way for the ego/id to change without admitting fault.
In this regard, what do you think of my post?
I like how you take the lead by example idea a step further and actively take each situation as a learning opportunity.
+1 following your example.
Yes, I agree. Very cool
