How do you love and how do you do?

[Monkey8]

Hi

I'm an ENFP who has been in a relationship with an INTP for over ten years and trying incredibly hard to make the relationship work despite all of its inherent problems. I've only recently discovered Myer-Briggs, so I am only just reaping the benefits of the incredible insight I now have into how my partner 'works'. It's actually pretty simple - I just need to talk about the stuff he's interested in, find our common ground based on that, avoid the scary 'feeling/problem' conversations and WOW! Completely different responses from him. I even started getting unprompted kindnesses - a hand on my back as we walk through the rain, an invitation to a romantic movie for a 'date' (because he knew that was 'appropriate' despite my usual film interests being quite different). ...

This all seems to be going fairly well, though I'm not sure that all this thinking focus really works for me, though it does kind of feel like I'm getting 'feeling' back from him in response to my offering him 'thinking'! Does that make sense? Do you do that? Anyway, I'd really like to know a bit more and I was hoping you could answer some questions for me. I have far too many to even get them all out of my head,but if you could answer any of them I would be very grateful!

Let me start with a few ...

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

6. What motivates you?

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

Think that'll do??Hehe! Please just answer one question if you can't be bothered with all of these. I think, basically, I just want to know everything!

 

[Hadoblado]

I can't help with all of the Q's, but I'll do what I can.

1) - (first half) - Love is an intense personal bias for the object of your affection. It's not an absolute, but it is remarkably strong.

2) - Nope.

3) - Dividing up chores is a negotiation. I will do the dishes if you do the vacuuming. Keep discussing until you're both satisfied. When you no longer are, re-negotiate.

4) - Very.

5) - I manage my finances reactively. I will have a pocket of money sitting there until something comes up, then I throw money at it until it goes away. As for saving for a specific thing, that doesn't happen. What does happen is my saving account will be big enough to buy something and still leave me padded, at which point I choose something I want and buy it.

6) - Very little. Innovation mostly.

7) - When I know someone to the degree that I can rule out the possibility that they don't implicitly value my presence.

8) - That they provoke thought is necessary, but not sufficient. I don't really know what bridges that gap. Boobs probably.

 

[Monkey8]

Thanks, Hadoblado. (And hi from Perth!)

Your answers show a lot of similarities to how my partner behaves. Can I ask questions about your answers?

What do you mean by "an intense personal bias" in Q1? What would you do that shows that?

Q3. We can't seem to organise household chores at all. He does things when he feels they need to be done and he can't put them off any longer. The only way I can get him to do things (sometimes) is by starting the chore myself. Then he'll try to take over from me or try to help. That's just a wee bit annoying, but I'm starting to understand that he just gets so involved in the stuff he likes doing that it's hard for him to pull away from it.

4. What do you find hard about moving on to another job? Getting on with new people? The process of applying, etc.?

6. Interesting! (What are you working on?)

8. Hehe!

Thanks again for answering!

 

[Hadoblado]

No problem.

Q1) - This is where is gets tricky for me. My number one motive in life is to perceive reality without inconsistency, and love is in direct opposition to that. I assume other INTPs experience love, but, while I experience infatuation, love is something of a different magnitude. I would express it by becoming the person that the object of my affection wanted to be with (I assume). Sorry, this shit's hard.

Q3) - You both have the same issue: tidiness. You address it by attending to the issue, he addresses it by moving the goal posts. I have a similar scenario in my own household. If he is a rational, you need to talk to him and derive compromise that you both agree on. If you can't compromise your standard of living then you're in a weak position for negotiation (this typically means you have to all of the work).

I know it seems childish, but the cakesplit is usually the best approach: Make him draw up two lists of chores, then you choose one and he does the other (or vice versa). What ever you do, you need to start from common ground (it's not fair that you do all of the work), and move to the conclusion that he needs to put some effort in within a reasonable time frame. You know he feels guild about you doing all the work (otherwise he wouldn't jump in when you get busy).

Note: This is actually like playing chess against yourself for me. I am entirely successful in forcing my housemates to do the vast, vast majority of the work. I feel bad for it, but I also feel epic lazy. These tips are for how I'd go about getting me to pull my weight.

Q4) - Most people hate changing jobs. People are afraid of losing their jobs not because they're fearful of not being able to find another one, but because it takes effort. People want comfortable security that requires little thinking. I also have anxiety issues, so yes, I don't like meeting new people.

Q6) - Not so much a specific project, just trying to think thoughts before their common currency. Other INTPs like the pursuit of knowledge, but I don't retain information well, so I just have the thinking of thoughts.

 

[redbaron]

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

Anyone who I can interact with on a level that I don't have to worry about filtering thoughts between my brain and my mouth is fine with me. Beyond that I really don't care.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

Aside from being together, not really no.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

We both just do them. There's no set division, but basic things get done - don't go to bed without cleaning up first, rinse plates, clean after dinner. If my partner is doing something like cleaning up, I try to make it easier somehow - dry plates, clear the table, wipe stuff...whatever. It's more enjoyable when both people do it together I think.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

Wouldn't know really, only ever really worked in one. I'm beginning study next year though, and will be transitioning from full time to part time/casual work (bored of the rat race, however successful I may be at it).

I've realised that money isn't a means to freedom when earning that money takes 45-50 hours of your time a week, is physically and emotionally draining, and mentally under-stimulating. I have all this money now, but so what?

I don't need, 'things' and financial freedom really doesn't afford me anything special.

So I'd much rather transition into a line of work that I'll enjoy more and while it's unlikely I'll be paid the same as I am now for at least another 10 years (possibly more), it really doesn't matter.

However there's something to be said for working hard from the ages of 18 until your mid-20's, and THEN going to school. The simple fact is that if I went to university at 18, I'd have dropped out. I knew myself well enough to know that. Having worked now, and realising that no matter how high up the corporate ladder I climb it's not worth it - I approach study with renewed determination.

I'm glad I worked and worked hard, and built a reputation for myself. Even if I've ultimately decided to change direction in life.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

Not hard. I get pretty good pay all things considered, and I don't spend money on anything unnecessary - I buy things designed to last, and take good care of them.

6. What motivates you?

An environment where I'm always learning and feel like I'm contributing to something meaningful. I don't like to be directly involved with people, I like to be behind the scenes, working with numbers, analysing and thinking.

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

I don't really ever feel insecure, so this question is hard for me to answer. I feel a certain sense of belonging with though, and I guess you could say that it stems from recognizing a kindred spirit. The ability to freely analyse and intuit random thoughts and possibilities, and to dive into them as topics of discussion without fear of drawing quizzical, 'WTF?' looks from the person I'm conversing with.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

I honestly can't answer this question, it's too broad and needing context.

 

[Brontosaurie]

if it takes ten years for him to stroke you, he's beyond INTP...



1. love means mental reciprocal feedback synergy thing. it is a synthesis of sexual desire and armistice. it is the only real friendship and it takes heck loads of energy to cultivate. by investing all the required time and empathy, thereby reaching an effortless full rapport, you can expand your mental horizon. 360 vision is possible in the realm of ideas.

2. i don't have a loved one. well in my mind i do, but reality is different.

3. didn't ever get to that point with someone. issues like me being "cynical" (?!?!?!?) usually emerge earlier.

4. slightly hard.

5. very hard.

6. shits'n'giggles.

7. it never happened.

8. archetypal female qualities. ass hips tits smile. shallow??? i dare say not. i am adept at finding ideal women. i actually pride myself in this skill. the problem is finding ones that tolerate me deep down and whom i can sincerely tolerate (other than by way of the "call to arms", "man up", "don't be ungrateful", "don't spoil your chances", "just be perfect lol").


impressively useless answers, huh?

 

[Monkey8]

RedBaron, your answer to the job question could easily have come from my partner, except that he's never worked a 45-50 hour job. (In fact, a lot of everyone's answers could have been written by him. Freaky.) I guess what I'm wondering with the job question is this ... >

Since I have been with him, my partner has been in work which I believe to be beneath his real ability level. I'm sure he knows they are too. He's now studying part-time and working part-time (close to full-time though) and earning a ridiculously low wage for his hours, but he's kind of happy that the work is kind of related to what he wants to do (though the connection is kind of thin). He's looking forward to the day he gets a Ph.D. (a long way off) at which point he wants to write a book about his ideas. Financially, this bodes pretty poorly for our ability to do much over several years. I've offered to rewrite his CV for him (I'm a professional writer and trainer) and even fling the CV off to a few places, as I understand that he just doesn't want to (i.e. Get around to) spend his time on this stuff. He was really happy one night when I went through some CV stuff with him, but then he didn't do anything further with it and I didn't know if I was pushing my ideas too hard and we just ended up letting the idea go. Basically, I don't really know how to approach a discussion about the necessity of him contributing more with his income so we can plan for things like holidays etc. or whether me trying to help out with the job-hunting is a good thing or not. His financial management is rough and just gets things paid from week to week, so there is never an ability to plan for anything big, let alone something small and new for the house. Ideas? These things are making me really consider whether the relationship really works for me, which is kind of crap, as I would never have thought finances should matter that much. However, he spends the rest of his time volunteering, so there is not much time left for lil ol me.

Brontosaurie, there didn't seem to be any way of describing a ten year relationship in one small post. I don't know if he's "beyond INTP" as you suggest, but the relationship has had its share of downturns and the positive things I mentioned are just signs that things are getting nice again and he is making an effort. I have felt kind of neglected for a while, but I ended up putting my foot down and staying at my folks' place for a while to sort out my head about the relationship. While I was there, we started kind of 'dating', so things have got a bit nicer for me, though perhaps mostly because I now have a much better sense of what he needs as an INTP.

RedBaron - Q1 - I *get* your answer (from partner's perspective)

Brontosaurie - Q1 - What the ..? I kind of get what you're saying, however I'm also wondering whether this is deliberately complicated and showing your 'cynical', perhaps sarcastic side. - ?? (No offence meant by the question.)

 

[Monkey8]

And thank you both for replying.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Brontosaurie - Q1 - What the ..? I kind of get what you're saying, however I'm also wondering whether this is deliberately complicated and showing your 'cynical', perhaps sarcastic side. - ?? (No offence meant by the question.)

no offence taken.

i'm not sure how i would put it in simpler words but if you kind of get it, i think you do get it.

i suppose what i want to get across is that love to me is neither a social construct nor some kind of human essence. it is simply something that thrives under the right circumstances. if you are good friends with someone and mutual attraction is also present, then that - provided a leap of courage - is love to me. "fuck buddies" relations seem dishonest however; i think desire for monogamy is humanly innate. investment in a person pays off exponentially. i hesitate to reduce things to idiom but it's all pretty much: quality over quantity.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Full disclosure: I'm an INTP/J that is my P and J are just about fairly balanced between the two.

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

I took the love language tests http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

and my two primary love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

Thus love to me means nice talks etc and spending lots of deep unstructured time with my SO. My idea of a perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interaction with a loved one I live with would be complete autonomy within a defined schedule worked out in advance. Plenty of time for Words of Affirmation and Quality Time would be planned for in advance as well as some occasionally unplanned incidences sprinkled in for good measure (as long as the unplanned incidences don't interrupt the big picture plans...if they even start to I will immediately terminate whatever is intruding). My loved one would leave me the hell alone when I make that clear and pay 110% attention when I make that clear as well.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

Stay married indefinitely. My SO is an ESFJ, though. Realized when it was too late. Ugh its tough.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

The division of our household tasks has evolved over time. I hate menial tasks like household chores but when I do my part I put my all into it which annoys the crap out of my SO. I would walk around naked and eat only the bare minimum if it meant no laundry and no dishes. So I am definitely a minimalist in terms of my desires to clean up unnecessary messes created by other messy humanoids.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

Painful in the extreme. For lots of reasons including change of routine, learning a whole new set of faces and names, learning a whole new power hierarchy. Which led me to a mid life crisis and owning and managing my own business actually.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

Easy if I am solely responsible. Impossibly frustrating to the point of failure if I have to share the responsibility

6. What motivates you?

Autonomy, Understanding, Mastery, Meaning

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

That they know ME and not who they think I am, and yet love me in spite of my idiosyncrasies/ mysteries.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

I don't know. I really don't. I used to think it was physical beauty at first (this is not as subjective as the average village idiot has been led to believe) but now I am leaning towards an intelligent conversation as being the most attractive which with repeated exposure leads to "love". I must be getting old because I view sexiness as a complete illusion/ biochemical trap designed by nature to merely propagate the Humanoid species. I.e. all that beauty crap is an ephemeral, neurochemical mirage.

 

[Architect]

Full disclosure: I'm an INTP/J that is my P and J are just about fairly balanced between the two.

This is impossible. It would be that you shift from being a Ti (inner judging) dominant to a Ni (inner perceiver) dominant. That doesn't happen.

You are probably an INTP with a well developed Ti dominant, which means you are an outer perceiver (intP) and an inner judger from the Ti.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

This is impossible. It would be that you shift from being a Ti (inner judging) dominant to a Ni (inner perceiver) dominant. That doesn't happen.

You are probably an INTP with a well developed Ti dominant, which means you are an outer perceiver (intP) and an inner judger from the Ti.

So if I understand correctly, shifts don't happen and I need more clarification on inner/ outer versus my unfounded construct of preference for I or J.

I keep seeing such things as Ti/Ni being referred to and need more info.

At some point, if I find the motivation I really should dig into MBTI at this Ti/Ni level. If such motivation arises within me at some point in the future (might/ might not its sort of like which way the wind happens to be blowing), where do I go for an authoritative discussion/ explanation of the Ti/Ni etc components? Is wikipedia comprehensive enough?

 

[Trebuchet]

This all seems to be going fairly well, though I'm not sure that all this thinking focus really works for me, though it does kind of feel like I'm getting 'feeling' back from him in response to my offering him 'thinking'! Does that make sense? Do you do that?

I'd be happy to answer the rest of your questions, but this was the part that I thought needed a response the most. I can't speak for any other INTP, but for me, doing all the "feeling" stuff is definitely work. It may be very pleasant work, and I am happier for having done it, but I have to concentrate on doing it, actually focus on the other person and connecting that way. It is like holding my breath for 10 seconds. Easy enough, but it requires me to decide to do it.

So if you find it an effort to connect with the "thinking" stuff, that sounds like you are doing it the way I do.

I am very happily married to an INTJ, so we find the "thinking" connection very easy. Don't think we get off the hook for doing the "feeling" stuff, though. Every person needs that, and a relationship can't last without it. It gets easier with practice, and then we get complacent and find something new that we didn't expect.

1. What does love mean to you?
Way too complicated. I don't have that long to type right now.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?
We actually have retirement all planned out way in advance, short and long term travel goals, short and long term plans as parents (which we are), and every other kind of plan. Did I mention he is INTJ?

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)
We had to negotiate, and sometimes we switch tasks as needed when circumstances arise. The main thing is never to take each other for granted. When my husband puts the dishes away or organizes the bills, I thank him each time. He does the same for me when I take care of the cat or do the laundry. It doesn't matter if those are "our" jobs. They are acknowledged and appreciated.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?
Extremely. You know, panic attacks, feeling like no one would ever want to hire me, uncertainty about whether I can do the job. (All unfounded. I didn't say this was rational.)

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?
It is pretty easy. We make this more complicated than it has to be, with lots of spreadsheets, and sometimes a lot of research, mainly because that makes sense to us. Mostly he does the research and I do the bookkeeping. We have an envelope-based budget system and stick to it.

6. What motivates you?
Another complicated one. Duty is one. If I feel I should, or because I promised, or because that is what I think a spouse/parent/friend/employee should do, then I'll do it. I don't require that I feel enthusiasm to get to work on something. I try very, very hard not to look like I resent the things I have to do. I can be irritated by a task but that is no reason anyone else should be burdened by it.

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?
A trustworthy other person. In our family, we extend and receive trust pretty freely. If we feel insecure, we talk it over. But it depends on what kind of security you mean.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?
We don't really get to choose, do we? Smart and geeky, thoughtful, generous, and patient all top my list. Physical appearance is not a big priority for me (though I do think my husband is quite handsome).

 

[SpiralHacker]

INTPs tend to like people they can share interests with. Don't mind me...just intruding....

 

[xbox]

OOO I LIKE ANSWERING QUESTIONS

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

Enjoying each others company.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

I dont plan too ahead.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

Just do your fair share. No big deal.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

Dont have much experience on this.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

Kind of hard.

6. What motivates you?

Adventure!!!

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

Knowing that I am accepted, not ignored, shown some sort of importance or acknowledgement. Sounds dum I know.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

I really dont like conflict and avoid critical people. What I said in the previous question. I pretty much find everyone else pleasant. Also nice eyes.

 

[Polaris]

I will answer these with reference to my current relationship (he's also INTP).

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

Relaxing together when not working or spending time with other friends. That could mean anything from reading books, browsing the net, discussing ideas and analysing just about everything to death because we get off on it....or going for a walk. Walking usually ends up with both of us randomly pausing conversation as we spot something interesting like a bird or an insect...it can sometimes distract us so much we forget where we are going or how we ended up where we ended...

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

No...we just want to be together.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

It just happens. If I start doing something he will usually jump up and help me, and vice versa.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

Kind of excruciating....but I get bored quickly as well, so it becomes a paradoxical situation. I am hoping this will change when I finish my degree shortly...however, if someone tries to push me forward I will usually not respond well. I know what I have to do, but I will do it when I have decided that the pros far outweigh the cons. I don't need someone to do that for me as I know what works for me is different to what works for most other people. For example, I used to be in a relationship with someone who used to push me to go for the jobs that would earn me more money. I preferred to go for the jobs that seemed more interesting, and he just couldn't comprehend that. I felt pressured to chase money over job satisfaction. This went against my logic as we both already made enough money and had no other responsibilities.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

I used to be quite blasé about finances when I had enough money. I've become quite good at working with very little since I started back at uni. It has been an interesting experiment to see how much I could stretch the dollars every week. I have realised that I can survive on surprisingly little. It would be an exercise worth doing for everyone....however, financial management doesn't have a huge priority....it bores me to tears, but I can do it if I have to.

6. What motivates you?

Discussing ideas. Science. Discovery, research. Complex systems/problems.

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

The fact that he understands me to the point where I don't have to explain anything. He doesn't judge. He's not interested in competing with me. We are highly compatible intellectually, emotionally and sexually.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

Intelligence, wisdom, integrity. The refreshing and non-pretentious "I don't give a fuck what people think about me" attitude, combined with non-needy affection and a total appreciation for everything absurd

 

[redbaron]

Since I have been with him, my partner has been in work which I believe to be beneath his real ability level. I'm sure he knows they are too. He's now studying part-time and working part-time (close to full-time though) and earning a ridiculously low wage for his hours, but he's kind of happy that the work is kind of related to what he wants to do (though the connection is kind of thin). He's looking forward to the day he gets a Ph.D. (a long way off) at which point he wants to write a book about his ideas. Financially, this bodes pretty poorly for our ability to do much over several years. I've offered to rewrite his CV for him (I'm a professional writer and trainer) and even fling the CV off to a few places, as I understand that he just doesn't want to (i.e. Get around to) spend his time on this stuff. He was really happy one night when I went through some CV stuff with him, but then he didn't do anything further with it and I didn't know if I was pushing my ideas too hard and we just ended up letting the idea go. Basically, I don't really know how to approach a discussion about the necessity of him contributing more with his income so we can plan for things like holidays etc. or whether me trying to help out with the job-hunting is a good thing or not. His financial management is rough and just gets things paid from week to week, so there is never an ability to plan for anything big, let alone something small and new for the house. Ideas? These things are making me really consider whether the relationship really works for me, which is kind of crap, as I would never have thought finances should matter that much. However, he spends the rest of his time volunteering, so there is not much time left for lil ol me.

If you're not sure if you're pushing the boundaries - you can probably just ask.

I think you helping with the job hunting is fine, as long as he is making the decision. I know I don't take well to people trying to direct me or convince me of a certain path. I am slow to make choices that affect my lifestyle, not because I can't see merit in a new path, but because I want to have as much information as possible to be sure that it's the correct path.

I really dislike when people tell me something, and while I'm still considering it am pressed to come to a decision on the matter. The fact is I probably won't make a decision for weeks to come, and no amount of prodding is likely to speed this process up because it's all analysed internally.

So...I don't think you need to be afraid of being open about your desires or concerns, as long as you give the space for him to consider them and come to an eventual conclusion in his own time...as frustrating as that might be for you, I don't think pushing him will make much difference.

All that said, sometimes a good kick up the ass doesn't go astray - it could be that he's already aware of the situation and just being lazy. It's not good to operate under that assumption though, bad things tend to arise when people automatically assume the worst of someone.

 

[Pyropyro]

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

6. What motivates you?

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

Think that'll do??Hehe! Please just answer one question if you can't be bothered with all of these. I think, basically, I just want to know everything!

I'm not in a romantic relationship yet so I'll just answer the questions where my status applies:
1. Love is a decision to take care of a person and, if needed be, confront said person if you think they are hurting themselves or others.
2. N/A
3. N/A
4.Harder than I thought, I just recently quit my first job and I'm struggling with either making a business or go to the safer route and get a normal job.
5. Easy. my budget is relatively small since I have no interest in luxurious items.
6. Curiosity, making new ways to deal with problems, improving efficiency, people that are close to me.
7. In the context of friends and family members, I get secured if they keep their promises in a more or less consistent pattern. I tend to modify my plans based on the trustworthiness of the person I'm interacting with.
8. Intelligence, Trustworthiness, Independence and Compassion/Kindness

 

[Brontosaurie]

INTPs tend to like people they can share interests with. Don't mind me...just intruding....

are you joking?

 

[B.C.P.]

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

6. What motivates you?

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

1. Love to me, and I borrow this from Ayn Rand but can't remember where she said it so I'll paraphrase, is to "understand and admire something for how it functions."

If I understand the whole of someone, the things I like and the things I do not, and admire the actions they take with that identity, then I love them. At that point I can not only accept advice/support from them, I can also give it knowing it is deserved.

A perfect day-to-day for me would be a calm and quiet atmosphere with both parties of the relationship co-existing in respectful, mutual understanding that their interests do not have to be shared and that there is no shame in not necessarily interacting throughout the day. Of course interaction at some point is still essential, so I think beginning the day over coffee on the patio with some intellectual conversation would be nice, as well as watching a movie/going out for dinner at the end of the day with some great sex afterward.

2. I like to keep it simple and open. Make plans and go do them when the moment is right, but don't make long-term plans. Life tends to get in the way and the partners can resent one another for failed expectations.

3. The "burst" method. Suddenly I realize that the place is dirty and I go crazy for however long it takes to get everything spotless. I then immediately commence the process of making it all dirty again.

4. Somewhat. Between jobs I experience a sense of dread as to what to do next. It usually takes me several weeks to get back on the horse.

5. Not hard at all. "Do I want something? Yes. Do I have the money? Yes. Ok, go buy it." The opposite answer if I don't have the money.

6. A new and exciting idea, new insight into existing ideas, experiencing something new. I think INTP's are more adventurous than we let on. We're like cats; if the door to the house is always closed we're content lazing inside all day but as soon as the door opens and we go outside we remember how great everything out there is and stay out for days.

7. Tough one for me to answer. I've always been a bit insecure about loved ones because of bad past experiences and self-esteem issues. I guess, much like what Hadoblado said, it would be to know that they spend time with me because they value my presence. Also, hearing my loved one say that they don't mind how quiet I am most of the time, and how talkative I can get when I am excited. That would be a big deal to me because it's something I'm insecure about (My best friend is an ESFJ so the person I mirror off of most of the time is a brutal contrast to who I am).

8. This is complex so I'll just list some traits: Intelligence, calmness, objectivity, goofiness, intuitiveness, P-qualities like being relaxed and flexible about things.

Hope that was helpful. Good luck with your relationship, Monkey8. INTP's are awesome, and so are ENFP's. I like how warm you folks are, and how good you are with words (written and oral).

I don't mean to advertise myself, but I created a thread in the past about ENFP/INTP relationships: http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=17458&highlight=enfp

May be helpful.

 

[Jason43]

I dated an INFJ one time and we made it three months with a breakup about every month or so, the woman was like an energy vampire. She was a strong 'E' and I'm a fairly strong introvert though. You're a brave soul making it 10 years.

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

My current is an INTJ, we read and discuss things. A lot of the time we're just quiet. I've never had another person that could deal with this on the level we do it though. I want to discuss ideas and things that I'm reading about at the moment. The very last thing on the planet I want to do is get cornered and talk about my feelings though. I've actually broken up with people when pressed by a woman about explaining my feelings. "I'm happy" "Im upset" and "I dont know" is about as far as I go. Most people dont understand how a person can truly not know how they feel. I usually dont 'feel' any way in particular, and when I do, my main focus is breaking it down into why I feel that way and once I do, the feeling goes away. Most people never see that happen at all.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

Marriage.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

I never plan anything, and I hate being told what to do. I do things as needed. Also, my view of 'needed' is probably way less than other peoples. I deal better with "can you please" or "it would really help if" and my current straight up bribes me with sex, because we're both unemotional robots. "I'll trade you this for that"... "Deal babe" lol

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

Very, I'm completely indecisive and I second guess my decisions, especially big ones.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

I pay things as they get shut off. I'm kind of a nightmare now that I think about it.

6. What motivates you?

Concepts, learning, hobbies... problem solving

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

Space.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

Brains and a nice ass. In that order. Common interests, attitude... more brains...

 

[SpaceYeti]

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?

Love is a feeling you have toward a person or thing. Week to week... Um... whatever happens happens. Like, if we want to play video games together, that'd be fun. I also like camping, or TV, or whatever. Just doing things you like to do together. Of course, not always together. You've each got your own, separate interests, and you should each pursue those as well. In fact, this i vital for any relationship to work; time apart, so that the time together is enjoyable.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?

She wants to travel to places, so I guess we're going to. I kind of consider it a waste of money, but whatever. I want her happy.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)

I get the "outside" or otherwise traditional "man" jobs, and she the opposite. Mostly I think she thinks I suck at the inside jobs, and I can't claim she's wrong about it.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?

If I have a different job to move onto, with higher pay or better benefits, I wouldn't find it hard to move on at all. Finding that job is the hard part.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?

Not. I mean, I'm really good at not spending more than I earn, what with having been ridiculously broke for the greater part of my adult life. Investing and stuff, on the other hand, I'm not so hot with. I can get out of debt on my own, and not live check to check, but investing for retirement... not so much.

6. What motivates you?

Avoiding boredom, and more than that; my children.

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?

... If they don't try to invade my space? I don't understand the question. What would make me insecure? Are they trying to change me or tell me what to do?

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?

At first, physical looks. Let's be frank, physical appeal is the very first thing you notice about someone, and is the first thing that could possibly attract you to them. After that, the standard; intellect, humor, niceness, etc.

 

[crippli]

QUOTE=Monkey8;386562]Hi

1. What does love mean to you? How would you describe your perfect day-to-day, week-to-week interactions with a loved one you live with?
-For me love is a feeling. "Good and bad" emotions towards another. Instability. Good interaction would be mutual understanding, so that ones interests doesn't get interrupted by irrelevancies.

2. Do you have any kinds of thoughts/plans for the future with your loved one? If so, what kinds of plans?
-No. Each should plan their own thing. If there is comparability, the plans should not be at odds.

3. If you're in a relationship, how do you divide up household (inside and outside) tasks? (This is a serious problem for us!)
-I'd look at the bigger picture. And split responsibility evenly when all aspects are taken into account.

4. How hard do you find it to move on to a different job?
-Not too happy about that. If i've settled on something, I tend to stick with it. For better or worse.

5. How hard is it for you to manage your finances?
-Not very hard.

6. What motivates you?
-Personal evolution.

7. What makes you feel secure around a loved one?
-Non betrayal.

8. What attracts you and/or makes you fall in love with someone?
-Interest.